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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pissed off with being blamed for stuff I haven't done!!!

41 replies

gingerjenny · 03/12/2017 13:40

OK sorry this is going to be a rant!!

So yesterday, DH wanted to get his prescription from Boots, as I was going up to get something I needed from there. (He picked it up from the docs on Thursday but couldn't be arsed to get it right then!)

So I am almost ready to go out (at 4.15pm - less than an hour before they shut,) and DH comes into the kitchen ranting 'where's my fucking prescription?' with a face like this... >>> Hmm I told him I don't know where it is, and he was the last to have it. (He was looking at it the night before.)

'Well I know where I left it!' he ranted; in my drawer in the dining room!' 'Well is it there now?' I asked. 'No obviously not! And I know it was there last night!' 'Well you must have moved it.' I said. 'Why the fuck would I MOVE it?' he rants. 'I know I left it there and it ain't there now.'

So this conversation went round in circles with him basically blaming me for moving it, without actually saying as much.

I am, to the nth degree fucked right OFF with him fucking blaming me when he cannot find something. He moves his stuff, forgets he has moved it, and rants at me with this 'I know I haven't moved it!' stance. I say 'so you think I have moved it?' 'Didn't say that did I?' he says glaring at me. 'If you feel guilty that's YOUR lookout.' Errrrmm, no I DON'T feel guilty but I am royally fucked off with being blamed for stuff I haven't done!!! Hmm

Same when something stops working/breaks down. 'Well YOU used it last!' he says. (Even when it wasn't me who used it last!) No matter what, he will find any way humanly possible to shift the blame onto me, and I am sick of it. He will NEVER take the blame or admit he is wrong about anything.

I lived with my passive-aggressive mother til I was 21, and SHE used to lose stuff and break stuff and blame me for it, even when I had been nowhere near said item. If she found a lost item, and it was obvious I had not had it/moved it, she would STILL insist I must have had it all along! It made me so paranoid and stressy, and now my fucking husband does the same. Do I have a 'blame me for any shit that goes wrong or missing' badge on my head or something? Confused

Sorry for the long rant. I am just soooo angry.

Oh yeah, by the way, DH found his prescription in his briefcase, (a place I could not have put it as I don't have the combination PIN for it!) So all he said when he found it this morning was 'well I'm sure I never put it in there.' (He did!) No apology, because as he says, he never actually BLAMED me for moving it, he just said HE didn't move it, when only the 2 of us live here! (So he was saying I moved it without using those words.)

I said 'one of these days I am fucking moving out and then you will have no-one to blame for shit except YOU.' Then he starts laughing it off saying 'you're leaving? stop trying to cheer me up LOL.' So he is fine now and I am fucking steaming! Angry

Sorry, I don't know why I am posting or what I hope to gain from it; just maybe some advice from people who have suffered the same shit, and how they deal with it, or some reassurance. Anything. Confused

We have been together 27 years by the way, and married for 24. He has always been like this - never admits he is wrong, and likes to shift the blame to anyone but himself.... usually me, but occasionally it was one of the kids (before they left home 3 or 4 years ago.) ! Hmm

But he seems to be getting worse this past few years! It doesn't happen every day; but probably half a dozen times a year maybe. Not enough to badly affect my life, but enough to be a niggle! And when it happens it makes me soooooooo pissed off. Angry

OP posts:
RunningOutOfCharge · 03/12/2017 13:44

24 years??

You deserve a medal....🥇

Hermonie2016 · 03/12/2017 13:50

I think if he gets aggressive then don't respond or react.A simple "don't know".

You are trying to respond to something irrational, he isn't looking for help and just wants to vent at you.Don't give his rant any energy.He is behaving childishly.

Thingsdogetbetter · 03/12/2017 13:50

If it's getting worse with age I'd be concerned. My mum gets more and more frustrated when she misplaces stuff because she fears she is losing her marbles. Her default setting now seems to be paranoia that others are deliberately moving stuff to confuse her and anger at herself, and others, for not remembering. Of course it's possible it's just twat behaviour and you are his target!

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 · 03/12/2017 13:50

I have similar problems, so am not going to be a lot of help, recent one was I had obviously put his birth certificate somewhere and if I hadn't someone has obviously come into house and removed it Hmm

We are putting the house on the market in the spring, I am looking forward to living in a house with just our teenagers!

MyKingdomForBrie · 03/12/2017 13:52

Don’t get involved next time. Refuse to touch his stuff. He’s behaving like an absolute arse.

Gingernaut · 03/12/2017 13:57

Leave.

He can't be at fault ever. He'll never admit to being wrong and he'll passive aggressively blame you without actually saying the words whenever something like this happens.

This has carried on for 24 years. He'll never change.

Original poster
gingerjenny · 03/12/2017 14:25

Thanks for the posts people. It's good to vent. I don't want to leave, as it isn't all the time, and everything else is OK in the marriage, but this really narks me off, and I don't get why he can never admit to being wrong, or that HE may have moved the item that's missing.

Really grates on me!

OP posts:
PaintingByNumbers · 03/12/2017 14:27

You can only change yourself, not him, so look at how you can react differently. Maybe literally say nothing, just shrug and walk away?

SlartyFarkBarstard · 03/12/2017 14:35

Sounds like he enjoys winding you up, next time he starts just walk out the room and don’t engage with his games.

OhNoOhNo · 03/12/2017 14:38

Wow, I would be tellng him to fuck right off when he accuses you. Don't even bother engaging by saying 'I didn't move it.'

And he laughed because you got too close to taking some real action about it.

RandomMess · 03/12/2017 14:39

I think change tactic totally. What would give you the best outcome?? Walk away/leave the house and tell him you'll be back when he apologises?

MonaChopsis · 03/12/2017 14:39

Another one saying if you don't want to leave, just don't engage. Roll your eyes, walk away, and if necessary pull out a couple of recent examples eg next time he loses something "You didn't move it, huh? Just like you didn't move the prescription into your briefcase?!" Roll your eyes again, basically make it obvious he's acting like a plonker without engaging in his drama.

SeaToSki · 03/12/2017 14:44

I would walk out of the room when he starts up. He is playing to your audience. At most say, I dont know where it is, sorry. And then exit stage right!

Sarahh2014 · 03/12/2017 14:47

My ds is the same he finds it v hard to admit he's wrong which he freely admits to 😣.V frustrating for me but it's just the way he is 🍷

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 03/12/2017 14:48

He sounds demented. Possibly in all senses of the word.

I would not engage.

Valentine2 · 03/12/2017 14:50

I would actually start moving his things and will deny it. Why don't you have the pin to his briefcase though?

Hidingtonothing · 03/12/2017 15:05

He won't change so the only way to make this more bearable for yourself when it happens is to change your response. Definitely walk away and refuse to engage as PP's have suggested but also make a conscious decision not to allow him to transfer the stress of him not being able to find something onto you.

Walk away, refuse to engage and repeat 'I know I haven't moved it and there's no reason I should care/feel bad' in your head. Sounds stupid but it stops your mind going down the whole 'he's blaming me' rabbit hole and you ending up feeling crap. He's basically offloading his negative feelings onto you instead, don't let him, you may find he stops when he realises he's blustering to an empty room.

Gingernaut · 03/12/2017 15:06

I would actually start moving his things and will deny it.

That's so evil, it's genius. Grin Grin Grin

If this has been a regular thing throughout the 24 years, then you have to take action.

Although, yes. If this has started recently, dementia or depression related memory problems may be a cause. Sad

CharisMama · 03/12/2017 15:08

A Blamer.

Lundy Bancroft has a section for Blamers in his book ''why does he do that?''.

In layman's terms, being an arsehole to you is an excellent coping mechanism for dealing with his anger at life. People who feel this level of anger have no insights, no self-awareness, no growth, no emotional intelligence.......

AFter being an arsehole to you he will feel better. You will feel worse. This works very well for him.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 03/12/2017 15:11

I will admit to being a little incredulous about the briefcase. I’ve not seen one for years Grin

antimatter · 03/12/2017 15:15

I'll seconf this: excellent coping mechanism for dealing with his anger at life, he is doing it to prop himself up.

When my ex was doing that I got to the point (thanks to MN!) that I told him - don't you dare to talk to me like that, you would not speak in this manner to your colleague at work - why are you being disrespectful to me?

DeltaG · 03/12/2017 15:16

Did you end up getting the prescription OP? I bloody well wouldn't have after all that!

tinytemper66 · 03/12/2017 15:20

I hope you told him to stick his prescription up his effing arse!

WasDoingFine · 03/12/2017 15:30

My stbx is like this and it is one of many things that used to really get me down. He never ever apologised for anything which would make me feel so disrespected.

Glad he is my ex

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 03/12/2017 15:32

Why did you argue with him? You know he was talking total nonsense and being damn rude at the same time. Why on earth did you choose to stay in that bonkers conversation?

Here's how that argument should have gone:

where's my fucking prescription?' with a face like this... >>> hmm I told him I don't know where it is -and he was the last to have it. (He was looking at it the night before.) no need to say that last bit.

'Well I know where I left it!' he ranted; in my drawer in the dining room!'

You should then shrug your shoulders and carry on doing whatever you are doing. If he keeps on at you then only say "I don't know where it is." Ad nauseum. Though personally I would only say it twice then I would say "I'm not standing around here for more of this ridiculousness!" and I would leave the room or even the building.

He does not need any helpful tips about where to look. He's an adult. He does not need to be told that you don't know where the thing is more than once. He's an adult.

If he just wants to play at being a total cock to you, well, it's up to you if you want to continue playing that game with him.

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