Pissed off with being blamed for stuff I haven't done!!!

[gingerjenny]

OK sorry this is going to be a rant!!

So yesterday, DH wanted to get his prescription from Boots, as I was going up to get something I needed from there. (He picked it up from the docs on Thursday but couldn't be arsed to get it right then!)

So I am almost ready to go out (at 4.15pm - less than an hour before they shut,) and DH comes into the kitchen ranting 'where's my fucking prescription?' with a face like this... >>> I told him I don't know where it is, and he was the last to have it. (He was looking at it the night before.)

'Well I know where I left it!' he ranted; in my drawer in the dining room!' 'Well is it there now?' I asked. 'No obviously not! And I know it was there last night!' 'Well you must have moved it.' I said. 'Why the fuck would I MOVE it?' he rants. 'I know I left it there and it ain't there now.'

So this conversation went round in circles with him basically blaming me for moving it, without actually saying as much.

I am, to the nth degree fucked right OFF with him fucking blaming me when he cannot find something. He moves his stuff, forgets he has moved it, and rants at me with this 'I know I haven't moved it!' stance. I say 'so you think I have moved it?' 'Didn't say that did I?' he says glaring at me. 'If you feel guilty that's YOUR lookout.' Errrrmm, no I DON'T feel guilty but I am royally fucked off with being blamed for stuff I haven't done!!!

Same when something stops working/breaks down. 'Well YOU used it last!' he says. (Even when it wasn't me who used it last!) No matter what, he will find any way humanly possible to shift the blame onto me, and I am sick of it. He will NEVER take the blame or admit he is wrong about anything.

I lived with my passive-aggressive mother til I was 21, and SHE used to lose stuff and break stuff and blame me for it, even when I had been nowhere near said item. If she found a lost item, and it was obvious I had not had it/moved it, she would STILL insist I must have had it all along! It made me so paranoid and stressy, and now my fucking husband does the same. Do I have a 'blame me for any shit that goes wrong or missing' badge on my head or something?

Sorry for the long rant. I am just soooo angry.

Oh yeah, by the way, DH found his prescription in his briefcase, (a place I could not have put it as I don't have the combination PIN for it!) So all he said when he found it this morning was 'well I'm sure I never put it in there.' (He did!) No apology, because as he says, he never actually BLAMED me for moving it, he just said HE didn't move it, when only the 2 of us live here! (So he was saying I moved it without using those words.)

I said 'one of these days I am fucking moving out and then you will have no-one to blame for shit except YOU.' Then he starts laughing it off saying 'you're leaving? stop trying to cheer me up LOL.' So he is fine now and I am fucking steaming!

Sorry, I don't know why I am posting or what I hope to gain from it; just maybe some advice from people who have suffered the same shit, and how they deal with it, or some reassurance. Anything.

We have been together 27 years by the way, and married for 24. He has always been like this - never admits he is wrong, and likes to shift the blame to anyone but himself.... usually me, but occasionally it was one of the kids (before they left home 3 or 4 years ago.) !

But he seems to be getting worse this past few years! It doesn't happen every day; but probably half a dozen times a year maybe. Not enough to badly affect my life, but enough to be a niggle! And when it happens it makes me soooooooo pissed off.

He is a blamer. It's corrosive to a relationship. I hope the attached video might open his eyes a bit!

From reading your post I genuinely thought you were in late 20s or early 30s and had no children yet. Shocked when I saw you were putting up with this for 24 years. I actually can't see how everything else can be ok in the marriage, I really can't. My first ever LTB - if you can afford to leave, do. Nasty man.

"I don't want to leave, as it isn't all the time, and everything else is OK in the marriage"

He does this because this works for him and it does not have to be all the time either, it still works for him. He loves the power and control it gives him over you. He is indeed what Lundy Bancroft would call a blamer so you would find your H within those pages of his book "Why does he do that?".

Ranting is all very well and good but it does not make the problem i.e. him go away.

What is in this relationship for you now, why do you really stay?. Are you too scared or afraid to leave because you will then be stepping into the great unknown?. Fear of him is probably also another reason why you stay, you just know he is going to be unreasonable anyway. This will be your life with him until he dies and or end up being his carer in the intervening years. Neither are good for you.

You also grew up with a passive aggressive parent so you are repeating what you already know. After all we learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and your mother in particular taught you a lot of damaging lessons. I would also think that not everything else is ok within your marriage either, his behaviour corrodes any so called "good" bits. I would not think your now adult children are all that fond of going home either given his behaviours towards you.

@hidingtonothing

He won't change so the only way to make this more bearable for yourself when it happens is to change your response. Definitely walk away and refuse to engage as PP's have suggested but also make a conscious decision not to allow him to transfer the stress of him not being able to find something onto you.

Walk away, refuse to engage and repeat 'I know I haven't moved it and there's no reason I should care/feel bad' in your head. Sounds stupid but it stops your mind going down the whole 'he's blaming me' rabbit hole and you ending up feeling crap. He's basically offloading his negative feelings onto you instead, don't let him, you may find he stops when he realises he's blustering to an empty room.

@CharisMama

In layman's terms, being an arsehole to you is an excellent coping mechanism for dealing with his anger at life. People who feel this level of anger have no insights, no self-awareness, no growth, no emotional intelligence.......

Hmmm yeah, although he isn't angry at life, and is relatively content, he does have moments where he wishes he had made more of himself, got better educated, been richer. So I guess ranting about shag-all and blaming me for shit that isn't my fault is a way to vent his frustrations.

It's going to be very hard, but I think the advice (from quite a few posters) to 'not engage' is the best idea. When I know I have not seen said item, I will just say 'not seen it,' and walk away; for a walk or a shower, whatever. He rants like a nutter when he can't find something though, and often says 'well I know where I left it and it isn't there now.' He is clearly poking at me and implying I have had it.

I haven't got the prescription for him, as he only found it today - and he can get it himself.

I am sooooo tempted to start moving stuff and denying it. (As someone suggested on page 1) Brilliant! It's like 'well you blame me for every fucking thing ANY way, so I may as well do something to warrant the accusations!

I respect the last 2 posts, but I am not going to leave him.

"I respect the last 2 posts, but I am not going to leave him".

May I ask why that is? Its not to challenge your mindset necessarily but you do have your reasons for staying within this.

He is clearly poking at me and implying I have had it. To which your external reaction should be an eye roll or a shrug at most.

If he was implying that you were a unicorn or had purple and orange striped hair, would you argue with him? Of course not. It's the same.

Remember he isn't actually using this venting to help find the item or fix the broken thing. He's feeling angry and is making angry noises. Imagine them more like caveman grunts than actual human words. You don't need to respond.

'Why the fuck would I MOVE it?' he rants. 'I know I left it there and it ain't there now.'

Look him square in the eye and say, "don't talk to me like that" and walk away. If you couldn't do this, ask yourself why. His aggression? Your assertiveness? If it's his aggression, I would leave.

For me it's about not taking on board someone else's shit, I don't generally agree with that saying that someone can only make you feel bad if you let them but I do think it applies here. It's basically retraining your brain to genuinely not give a shiny shit if he blames you.

I did the moving things to DH for a bit. I was the one doing tidying after him after we got together. After a few weekends like that, I basically just started to put his things at random places of my own choice. It went:
DH: have you seen my ......? I left it at the chair right over here?
Me: you should have put it where it came from. Why here? Are you sure you put it here? (Mock innocent voice, etc).
DH: errrmmm...aaaa... not REALLY sure but...
ME: eighth. There is your problem sweetheart.

Now he remembers he has to "throw" things at the right place. My only regret is he never figured it was me. I am married to an idiot.

Right, not eighth.

What about quietly saying, 'Stop being a bellend' when he starts?

Walk away.

He can rant at an empty room.

My Oh does this, but without being abusive. He is quick to assume that if he can't find something or something has stopped working then I am to blame. We've been together a long time. We never argue, we know what we are doing together. When he does this I presume (perhaps wrongly but it works for me) that this is his unconscious saying "something's wrong!" and this makes him anxious, and rather than sit with his own anxiety he looks for a scapegoat. I neither bite nor cower. My answer to "did you move... ?... did you touch...?". Is "no, are you having problems with it?". It's not defensive, it's not engaging in is blame, it gently places it back in his court, his anxiety that something is wrong, and if he can accept that then I lovingly offer to help him, if he can't and insists it's me then I lovingly walk away and leave him to it. Mind you, as I said, he doesn't yell at me or use language to be aggressive or upsetting.

Mine is the same, I just tell him he needs to smart taking responsibility.

My counsellor actually gave me advice for similar behaviour to not engage and watch him in action

If you can do that and observe him you will not get stressed and it becomes his problem not yours

It is actually really effective

I’ve lost my xyz

You: silence

Have you seen it/ moved it

You: no, sorry

Then carry on with what you were doing

The last few posts were very helpful thank you so much everyone.

I think I do need to just say 'nope not seen it' and walk away. Maybe even offer to help, as a poster said upthread (dudsville.) I think I get angry and defensive straight away because I KNOW he thinks it's me. And even when he realises it isn't, he doesn't apologise or acknowledge that it wasn't me (and that he is wrong.) THAT annoys the fuck out of me.

Also very pleased to see from the last few posts that my husband isn't the only one who does this! As I said earlier, my mother was the same. Sometimes I swear she was just doing it to cause an argument because she was bored. She did it to my dad too.

She was a SAHM, and when us kids grew up, she stayed as a homemaker and never had a job. She had only a couple of friends (who she saw once or twice a month) and she had no social life (except bingo once a month,) and there was literally nothing to do but watch 3 tv channels, and knit and bake. She didn't drive, she didn't travel, she had no hobbies (except knitting,) and I think the boredom drove her to cause arguments for nothing sometimes...

This isn't the reason my husband does it, as he has a fairly busy life (a job, several pals, and several hobbies,) so I don't know WHY he does it. It is a very annoying trait though.

As has been said though, I think I need to change the way I deal with it/react to it.

Thanks again.

It needs to go something along the lines of; 'You're being a twat again. I'm going out without you. Text me when you have finished being a wanker'