AIBU to think my husband is a rude inconsiderate arsehole

[poppy54321]

He goes out without saying that he is going. I realise after a while of putting kids to bed that he is out. Doesn’t answer his phone. Now been out over 2 hours. I’m fed up of it, he does it often.

They just don't care This refers to OP's husband, not all autistic people! My irritation impeded clarity there. My son could not care more.

Thank you, Elephant. I appreciate that you meant well - but honestly. ideas about autism are a large part of what makes autistic people's lives hard. It also impedes correct identification because teachers, who are only human, have little specialist training and also absorb such myths.

It's a vast and complex subject.

Apologies, OP. As you were.

Will people on MN stop associating shitty, awful behaviour with autism, please?

This

Not that I know any autistic people, but I do know some arseholes. Once the children are in bed, you can't even run out for a pint of milk unless there is someone else in the house.

Worraliberty yes it’s not new. Sleeponeday helpful post thank you. I have told him before and clearly he could be considerate if he wanted to be.

Why don't you do it to him. If you dare?

Highly likely he's a selfish git
That's why he doesn't want to talk about it.
Then he might have to stop being selfish and he probably doesn't want to do that

I would just ask him to go up stairs and look at something and then just fuck off out.
Make sure you text him immediately when you leave, because if he spends his time ignoring you (charming) then he might just go out as well and not even realise you're not in the fucking house.

Or you could just not live like this, because it sounds fucking epically grim

It can also be a symptom of being a cunt. I suggest you don't put up with it a day longer.

I wouldn't just go out because he'd probably still go out too! He'd not take the time to check you were in or not and is used to coming and going as he pleases.

He's a prick, not autistic.

Tell him the next time he leaves that it will be for good. And mean it. You don't deserve this. I'd go bloody ape shit if my husband did this.

Another perspective. We had to face this when dh and I started working from home together 24/7. He is self-employed, and I quit my job to be a SAHM. He thought nothing of coming and going without comment, saying that’s what he did at his office job (fairly senior). I first thought it was just bad manners, but actually it was annoying in other ways.

Several times a week I’d get a heart-attack from seeing him pop through a doorway or appear outside the kitchen window, me thinking he was out. Or I’d put the burglar alarm on because I thought I was leaving an empty house, only for him to set it off minutes later (not happy neighbours!).

I’ve made him adhere to a system of hello & goodbye, as well as a general idea of how the day’s looking so I can count on him for small and big things. I also really look forward to knowing when he’s out so I can have some basic alone time.

My point is, even if he had a legitimate reason for popping in and out it is important to see evidence that he recognises you and kids are part of his team. Team members communicate and support each other.

Otherwise the Team may well learn to work around them, and eventually they get cut...

Emphasise that the house is like the playing field, and the game is always on. There’s no leaving your position on the field if you’re a team player. For whatever reason. Feel free to negotiate days/evenings/half hours off with your team members like the rest of us have to. Or get benched.

sleeponeday I agree with what you said completely
op you need to speak to your husband and tell him how his behaviour is affecting you

ITCouldBeWorse
That's the way to do it! Phone on silent
Doors double bolted
Lights off.
Earphones in

Especially at this time of year.

Selfish bastard, I bolted the door when my ex did this kinda thing.

He was the idiot that had to get the night bus to keep warm

Elephant and Poppy Linking ASD to a single behaviour of not saying goodbye or hello is absurd. Unfortunately there is a trend of excusing rude, socially awkward or selfish behaviour in men as a result of ASD.
This diagnosis should only be given after a thorough assessment by clinicians who have the experience and knowledge to do so.

Poppy Far more likely that he doesn’t say goodbye because that would give ouy the opportunity to ask where he’s going and possibly start and argument,

Are you a SAHM OP? If so, it's probably time to get a job, get some financial independence from this man and teach him you don't just exist to keep the house running.

Next time he does it. Id text him saying "hey do you want anything picking up whilst im at the shop?" Soon panickkng him thinkinf the kids where alone.

Skittlesandbeer yes we work together from home lots sounding familiar there. Iris65 he hasn’t been concerned enough to get a diagnosis anyway so I think you are right. Littlelondoner this is perfect.

The bolts only work by the key. I think leaving the key in would work. It would be better if there was an inside bolt, if there was no doubt I would have done this already.

Itcouldbeworse yes that sounds entirely reasonable. Just wish I didn’t have to leave the key in door to spoil the whole “oh were you out” scenario.

Have you actually spoken to him about this

Agree with Sleep.

Elephants, you really can't diagnose, or even suggest, autism or ASD on the strength if one character trait. Not helpful!

Op, what is your h like the rest of the time? Good partner and father? Good with the kids? Does his share round the house?

Have you asked him why he pisses off to the pub of an evening? What dud he say?