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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU to think my husband is a rude inconsiderate arsehole

72 replies

poppy54321 · 30/11/2017 23:22

He goes out without saying that he is going. I realise after a while of putting kids to bed that he is out. Doesn’t answer his phone. Now been out over 2 hours. I’m fed up of it, he does it often.

OP posts:
Original poster
poppy54321 · 30/11/2017 23:46

Yes sandandsea you are so right about fire. And if kids are ill. Or me I just had horrid choking due to chest infection.

OP posts:
Original poster
poppy54321 · 30/11/2017 23:54

Queen I think 2 hours 40 is out of the cheeky pint range.

OP posts:
elephantoverthehill · 30/11/2017 23:54

Poppy I am no expert, in this field, but people with either condition, or on what level they are at, apparently do not need to announce their presence or departure. However they usually want to learn accepted behaviour and spend a lot of mental energy trying to work the social norms out. Please just lay down some very explict rules for your DP and ask his DPs if they have experienced similar behaviour.

queenofthesheds · 30/11/2017 23:57

OP what else has made you suspect ASD?

Disquieted1 · 01/12/2017 00:02

The reality is that no-one on here knows. Only you do.
Maybe you've been getting in his face for 10 hours straight and he's been advised that it's best to temporarily walk away from the situation when you get like that. Maybe he's an inconsiderate shit.

Talk to him.

elephantoverthehill · 01/12/2017 00:05

queen of the sheds Yup he might be a wrong'un but he might be a massive bastard too.

Autumnskiesarelovely · 01/12/2017 00:06

I don’t buy the autism excuse. Ask him where the hell is he?!

Quartz2208 · 01/12/2017 00:09

Just put the chain on or key in the door

Original poster
poppy54321 · 01/12/2017 00:09

Thanks Elephant I will have to do this. He will hate it but something needs to change. I’ll try this first. It’s really helpful to hear everyone’s supportive reactions as I realise how mad it is to continue like this. Playing find my phone and promises of screaming fits in the local are very tempting too. Findmyphone must be next on list.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 01/12/2017 00:10

So we're now diagnosing autism online by the symptom of someone not saying hello when they come in? Really?

Original poster
poppy54321 · 01/12/2017 00:11

Disquieted. Er no. I think if I was like that this would’ve come to a head sooner.

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troodiedoo · 01/12/2017 00:13

There's a baseline of decency, and this falls way short. Basic manners. ltb.

Original poster
poppy54321 · 01/12/2017 00:14

Well he did do an online test once when I asked. Obv not a diagnosis but came up positive. It’s difficult because a person can be selfish too.

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notangelinajolie · 01/12/2017 00:16

My kids do this. It's a way of saying 'we are grown up now so we don't have to tell you where we are gong' kind of way. It really winds me up - and probably why they do it. And yes, it is fucking rude. But my DH ... never.

queenofthesheds · 01/12/2017 00:16

What made you ask him to do the test though?

Emily7708 · 01/12/2017 00:17

Not saying hello is generally a symptom of being a rude, inconsiderate bastard and absolutely nothing to do with autism. Please don’t excuse his shitty behaviour by convincing yourself that he has this condition.

Superlandlady · 01/12/2017 00:18

I don't understand why you post on here rather than sitting him down over a cuppa and stating that you hate him doing this and how it makes you feel.

Original poster
poppy54321 · 01/12/2017 00:18

Notangelina out of interest girls or boys? Wondering if this is at all a male trait. I thought some men might post saying it’s not that bad.

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livefornaps · 01/12/2017 00:20

He's got no respect for you, you have been relegated to childminder and housekeeper. He thinks he does not have tonanswer to you at all. You are merely a member of staff. Time to get rid.

Original poster
poppy54321 · 01/12/2017 00:21

Queen the difficulty of sorting anything out. I am open and would rather just chat about things like superlandlady says but over the years it’s been like pulling teeth. Closed book. He hates talking.

OP posts:
elephantoverthehill · 01/12/2017 00:22

So we're now diagnosing autism online by the symptom of someone not saying hello when they come in? Really?
Not diagnosing , simply offering suggestion and support. What support are you giving?

WorraLiberty · 01/12/2017 00:24

Has he always been this rude and inconsiderate OP?

What was he like when you first got together?

sleeponeday · 01/12/2017 00:24

Will people on MN stop associating shitty, awful behaviour with autism, please? It's bigoted as hell. Would you say that about someone who was black? Gay? No? Then why autistic, when the person is clearly of normal intelligence and capable of forming relationships well enough to be in a marriage? Have you any clue what it is like, having to deal with these vile preconceptions when parenting an ASD child? What it's like for him, to have people assume he is oblivious to their feelings and inherently selfish? And people claim it's autistics who lack empathy! You do know ASD people are often more sensitive to the emotions of others than we are? No? You amaze me.

DON'T post shit about a stigmatised disability without expertise, please. It's damaging.

An autistic person capable of functioning well enough to hold down a job, a marriage and kids knows full well this is selfish and shitty. They just don't care. I know a couple of men who do this and they are not remotely ASD. One has a drink problem and the other was raised by an abuser, and while he is in the main lovely, he has some Neanderthal ideas from that. My father also did it, and he''s just an arse. He has had four wives who can attest to the fact.

Have you told him this isn't okay before, OP? I mean, clearly he knows, but have you challenged him on it?

Original poster
poppy54321 · 01/12/2017 00:28

Livefornaps I’m not sure how you came to that conclusion but I feel like you describe us exactly. Made me cry.

OP posts:
elephantoverthehill · 01/12/2017 00:30

Sleep Fair comment.

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