Boyfriend is not bothered about anything

[emily279]

I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years now and we have lived together for 5 years. We have finally just bought our first place together (a flat) and today got notified that our move in date will be the 14th December.

I'm so excited, but he just seems completely disinterested. I asked earlier in the week what weekend he would be free to move or if he could get a day off work for the move and he said "there's no point thinking about it until we get a completion date". Now that we have a completion date I asked if he could book a van for that weekend and he says he's got a night out to go to so he will be hungover that weekend and is too busy to book a van right now.

He's shown absolutely no interest in choosing furnishings for the flat or anything like that, so I've been trying to do everything myself. We have been living at his parents for 3 weeks whilst we waited for our completion date and whilst I am very grateful to them, I have begun to find it a strain because I miss having my own space and being able to do as I please. He doesn't seem to notice this and is frequently out drinking after work, leaving me on my own at his parents.

All of that I have just accepted and got on with without complaint. But now I just feel completely disheartened that a night out drinking is more important to him than moving into our first real home together. Surely any loving man would set aside the time to make the move but he's acting grumpy about it? He's the same about anything we do together - he's not bothered about holidays and has no opinion on where we should go and makes me feel like I'm dragging him along.

He's the kind of man who walks off in front and doesn't look back to check that I'm even still there. He's let me go to Ikea before (because he couldn't be bothered to go with me) to pick up furniture that was heavy so I had to ask strangers in the car park to help me get it in my car. He doesn't carry my bags or hold my hand when we are out. He doesn't ever tell me he loves me. Together 6 years and not engaged.

I have been in this relationship and treated this way for so long that I wonder if I've forgotten how I should actually be treated? I always wonder if I'm over-reacting. I love him and we get on really well and he makes me laugh a lot. I just feel sad right now.

I'm 27. We've been together 6 years and we met at University (we got together just after University). Yes I had one other relationship with a guy who was the polar opposite - very affectionate, clingy, emotional, always wanting to do stuff together. I loved him dearly and it lasted 3 years but he was eventually too much for me (his anxiety and neediness dragged me down).

I always put my all into a relationship trying to make the other person happy. Its in my personality to take control and just get stuff done (which is why I have been successful at work) but sometimes this means people end up just letting me get on with it and take what I do for granted in the end.

Why did you buy a house with him I'm so confused.

My bf has spent the past three weekends ripping out and then decorating my bedroom without so much as a huff or puff he doesn't even stay here he has his own flat!!

If I can get a bf who does that surely you can too. It's not a big ask its sad how he is acting.

You deserve better this should be an exciting time!!!

At 27 you're very young and have plenty of time to find someone suited to you.

Do you really want this to be your life in 10 or 20 years looking longingly at other couples who actually get on and have a good time together.

Tbh he sounds sufficiently unintererested in the relationship that if you don't leave he may well do himself.

Emily

re your comment:-
"I always put my all into a relationship trying to make the other person happy. Its in my personality to take control and just get stuff done (which is why I have been successful at work) but sometimes this means people end up just letting me get on with it and take what I do for granted in the end".

And your so called boyfriend has done the self same with you now. This has been and still is all about you trying to make him happy. However, it has cost you dearly in that you are deeply unhappy yourself.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is in this still for you in terms of your own needs being met?.

I do not think you know what a mutually loving relationship is because no-one ever bothered to show you. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up; what example did your own parents set you?. Who taught you how to become a people pleaser?.

crikey Emily-- are you me!! Thats my personality too. i had same kind of situation too, except I am now 55. Went from one extreme to another extreme. I dont think either of these guys were right for you , just happened to be around , available, likeable and you got on with them and presumably fancied them. Somewhere I feel for you is a a capable, non clingy guy who manages to muster some enthusiasm. You should be in a 'honeymoon' period at this point, new flat etc, not feeling down. Please Dont give a crap what anyone else feels. They dont have to live with them.

if he's always been like this why would you expect him to change

Yikes. Do you honestly see this man as the one you want to spend the rest of your life with? Flashforward, for one second, and picture all those big life events you've daydreamed about since forever: bring proposed to, your wedding day, having a baby etc. Now picture his gormless, disinterested presence lurking beside you in all of those special moments.

Out of interest, is he the type of person who is generally a bit dull and uninterested in everything? Or is he enthusiastic about some things, just not you? That will say a lot: if he's crazy about football or passionate about nature photography or whatever, then you need to take his apathy towards you as as a massive flashing neon sign that he doesn't feel deeply enough for you to muster the enthusiasm this situation warrants. However, if he is the type of dullard who's only excitement is experienced vicariously through the tv programs he watches, then fine. He probably does love you and shows it to the best of his stunted ability. You just have to decide if you're happy to live with that. FOREVER.

So you were 21 when you got together and younger when you first met. Let me be the first to say: You are ALLOWED to leave him! Please do not invest anymore of your life, youth and time with a man who is completely disinterested in you! This is soul-destroying. There is a medium between a clingy needy man and a totally disinterested one. You have a lot going for you, you need to acknowledge you are making a choice to be with him and it is completely within your power to leave him and have a completely different life with a man that thinks you're fabulous and wants to be with you.

I have been married 21 years to a man I met at 26. He is always complimenting me, showing me affection and we still have a laugh all the time and spend lots of time together. In fact he just called to see what he should buy for dinner and we discussed it (he's cooking). Please don't bury yourself alive! Life is to be lived - don't be afraid of it! It would be horrendous to have kids with this man, you would be parenting totally alone until they were old enough for him to take to the footie or pub!

Please GET A LIFE.

I don't think we can be sure he loves her as he's never said so. He doesn't behave like he does either. He doesn't even seem very interested in her tbh.

That was to DiscotequeJuliet ^^

This is a very lonely isolated existence, why does it seem comfortable to you?

Being afraid of being on your own is not the right reason to be in this relationship.

I know it sounds easy for us to say but if you stay you will be more unhappy as time goes on.He is not going to change.

I think ymyou are settling and you may need to look as to why you feel you don't deserve more.Do you feel you have to give more than you receive?

You really are young enough to start again.
Forget practicalities of flat for now..don't put that into the equation.

Look at the thread at the top of the Relationship Board..do an audit on your current relationship.

Its feels easier to stay in a bad relationship but all you do is store up big issues for later on. Be brave and start believing you deserve more.

If you were my daughter I would want to know if you had doubts.

Why would you be terrified to be on your own? This is really odd in a young woman with no DC and a good job and their whole life ahead of them...............

Did you grow up thinking you weren't "good enough" in some way?

Did your parents place a lot of emphasis on "getting a bloke, any bloke?"

You really need to stop thinking about what's up with/wrong with him, and start focusing on what is wrong with you that you would tolerate this shit.

He doesn't treat you well. Why would you put up with that for one year, never mind six?

I can see that you aren't going to split up now because it would be too much disruption with the flat purchase.

I suggest that you immediately get yourself some counselling to get yourself into the right mental place to move on from this zombie relationship.

Can you afford the mortgage on your own? Could you buy him out later? Is it the kind of flat where you could have a lodger?

Firstly, I wouldn't be bothered with him myself - his behaviour sounds pretty selfish and it's unlikely to improve. He should be excited, and invested in the move. Not planning his next booze up. Just no.

What is he like domestically? Do you do all the chores? What would it be like if you added a child to the mix? Can''t take the kid to x activity because he has a drinking session planned etc?

This set up is madness. Don't settle for this. There is a really sad thread right now about a lady with an incredibly selfish DH, and she is planning to leave him with her children - don't let this be you in a few years. You are young enough and together enough in yourself, that you can both cope and move on. Can you afford to, as pp have said to get a lodger and/or buy him out? Or just sell the place after completion?

If I were you, I'd also be asking myself how much drinking he does...especially if he's doing it frequently and prioritises this.That's a whole other problem you may not have considered. Drinking/hanging out with work mates etc is more important than you, from the way you describe it. Again, just no. You deserve much, much better.

You aren't supposed to be carrying the whole relationship yourself, which you are. He is a dead weight.

So, since he can't be bothered to move himself or invest anything into the move, or you and you aren't sure if you want to end things completely yet.....
Move yourself into the flat and leave his shit behind. Just sort it yourself and go. But take nothing of his. If he wants to be bothered, he can organise himself. Just tell him you are moving on the 14th and you'll see him when he can get over his hangover, and get himself over there.

You are right to be questioning this relationship.

I fail to see how you're trapped and there's nothing you can do about your situation. You can leave the relationship. I'm not going to say that's simple to do but it is as simple as that. Being single is a million times better than being in a "relationship" with a man like that. Fear of being alone and missing him is no reason to stay with him when he treats you like an after thought.

I'd like to think there is something better for me out there but I feel like there's nothing I can do about it. I would be terrified to leave and be on my own

But from all you say OP you are already on your own. He's happy to go out with his friends, but doesn't want to do that with you. He leaves you at his parents whilst he swans around with his mates. You visit family alone because he won't come with. He won't even tell you he loves you. You are worth so much more than this non-relationship!

I fear we will see you back here in another few years,you lonely with a child and him doing exactly as he pleases, pub, mates, drinking, affair, I have had this relationship, please, please, get out now, I don't know you but I do hope tonight you have listened to the women on here who have been with a person/man who has exactly the same traits you live with.

You BF is a completed arse and I guarantee you a miserable life if you stay with him.

I'm middle aged now and have seen many friends end up with self cantered men just like yours.

You have one life, live it for you.

My ex was like this - he wasn’t that interested in my & still thinks he did nothing wrong when he left me for someone one else - he wasn’t bothered so why should I be?

Your deserve better x

The plan of moving your own stuff in and not his sound excellent! Actions speak louder than words so what will his actions show I wonder? It's never to late to leave a relationship. Think of yourself as he obviously isn't.

Please don't invest any more time or money into this relationship. You deserve so much more.

Can you buy him out?

Please please don't waste anymore of your youth on this man. Buy him out or sell the flat and have fun and be open to meeting someone who treats you with love, who wants to spend time with you and help you and takes charge of things equally with you. The world is your oyster, don't settle for this.