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Relationships

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Original poster

17 year old dating a 21 year old. Does this sound weird?

73 replies

AlyTab · 30/11/2017 14:46

Hi my sister turned 17 in December, and she is currently seeing a guy who turned 21 a few weeks ago. I have no problems with it at all, neither does anyone else I talk to, but his mum is really upset about the age gap and my sister gets very upset about this. It's only 4 years after all, and of course they are both consenting. She is very mature for her age too.

Any advice I can give to my sister? I really don't want her to be upset but I'm not sure how to make her feel better.

OP posts:

nibora · 02/12/2017 12:05

Can't see a problem at all, I was a level headed 17 year old when I met my nearly 21 year DH, just 2 young people falling in love.

Bought our first house when I was 20, we were very sensible.

Original poster

AlyTab · 03/12/2017 13:44

You bought a house at 20? Wow that's impressive. I'm still renting and don't plan on buying anytime soon!

OP posts:

1DAD2KIDS · 03/12/2017 13:59

It's natural for a 17 yo girl to be more attracted to men in their early 20s. They genrally have a lot more to offer than most boys of 17. More maturity, a job, more money, own car (as one poster has put).

I meet my ex at 22, her 19. After a year of being together we'd bought a house and married. She'd generally dated guys 8 years plus before me. One of her ex's (who she is now with again) was early 30s and her 17 at the time. Personally thats an age that I find a bit concerning for a 17yo.

dangermouse7 · 03/12/2017 15:51

No probs. As has been said, 13 and 17 would be like

But 17 and 21? Fine.

PaxUniversalis · 03/12/2017 23:02

My experience of dating an older guy when I was in my teens was not so positive I'm sad to say.

In 1984 I was 16 and I started going out with a 22-year old man. Big mistake. At that age I thought I was the bee's knees but in reality I was a naive young girl, still a child really. I knew nothing about anything. You know what they say 'girls with a future should never date men with a past'. Well I wish I had listened to that advice.

In a nutshell he was 22 but he had - in a manner of speaking - already lived a whole life. Little did I know. I was flattered by the attention he paid to me. Turned out he'd been in trouble with the police before, had a drinking problem and a series of behavioural problems. His mother too, didn't seem to warm to me. Perhaps she was trying to tell me something from the beginning?
His father didn't mince his words. He told me: 'Go back to your Mum, girl'

Luckily this is all in the past now and I'm happily married to DH who is a good and sincere man.

Original poster

AlyTab · 04/12/2017 22:49

So sorry to hear that you had such a bad experience. Maybe his parents were trying to protect you but his dad sounded a bit condescending to me. At least you are with someone that you love and who is right for you!

OP posts:

scrabbler3 · 04/12/2017 23:06

4 years is nothing when the younger party is 16+

If he were 30, it would be seedy. But he's not so it isn't.

PaxUniversalis · 04/12/2017 23:14

AlyTab - thanks, yes, DH and I have been very happily married for nearly 20 years now. All is well.

Thank goodness I left my ex-BF at the time! He would have dragged me down with him. The biggest regret of my life: starting a serious relationship at 16. One of the best things I've done in my life: leaving the ex-BF. Yes, his dad sounded a bit condescending but he was absolutely right. I should have gone back to my Mum. Sadly I wasted 3 of my teenage years, when I should have been having fun and enjoying life. Anyway the main thing is I learnt a valuable lesson from this and later in life it almost helped me 'sense' which type of men to avoid!

LellyMcKelly · 04/12/2017 23:23

No, not a big deal at all. When I was 18 I went on a date with a 27 year old, and that did feel a bit too much even though he looked like Morten Harket

Effic · 05/12/2017 00:15

Disagree with the majority I’m afraid. They met while she was a school girl and him not. A 16/17 even 18 year old ego is still at school has a totally different mindset and worldview than some one who is even just 1 year older. School children, even sixth formers, are kids. The dynamics of their life are that adults are in charge and get to set rules and boundaries for the majority of their days. There is little self regulation, little autonomy. They are so far away from an adult it’s not true. Non school teenagers/ twenty year olds have a completely different experience. I would be very for any adult who wanted to date a school child.

Effic · 05/12/2017 00:16

No idea why there is a random ‘ego’ in there!

Addictedtothisbloodyforum · 05/12/2017 00:17

I was 16 dating a 23 year old . We were both virgins and are now married with 4 kids and have been together 20 years . I am 35now (36 on the 16th Dec )

CheeriosEverywhere · 05/12/2017 00:25

Is he neither working nor studying? I'd be more concerned about that.

nooka · 05/12/2017 00:33

I don't think anyone wonders why teenagers are attracted to young adults, dating someone with more money, access to alcohol, possibly a car etc, plus the status of an older boyfriend. The questions is more why the young adult isn't dating someone his own age and instead is interested in a school girl.

PaxUniversalis · 05/12/2017 00:35

Effic - I tend to agree with you. I've been there and it wasn't nice.

Of course it all depends on the people involved. One of my aunts got pregnant when she was a school girl in the early 1970s. She and her then BF got married, had the child, then had another child and they are still happily married today.

esk1mo · 05/12/2017 00:42

i find it weird tbh, although i appear to be the only one.

i dont really know what a 21 year old would see in a 17 year old. she cant drink legally, she’s still at high school, but hes potentially graduating from uni soon. my DP is 23 and we met when he was 18, over the years only one of his friends has dated a girl that young, and all of his mates talked about
how weird and creepy it was.

esk1mo · 05/12/2017 00:43

can now see that im not the only one *

Katescurios · 05/12/2017 00:57

I was 16 and DH was 23 when we met. Now I'm 34 and he's about to turn 41, we've been married over 11 years, together 17. I don't think the age gap is weird as long as the maturity level is similar and no one is pressurised into situations they aren't ready for.

Addictedtothisbloodyforum · 05/12/2017 00:59

Why is it creepy ? My now dh was a virgin and very In experienced with regards women despite him being 23 . I was only 17 but it never felt like a huge age difference as we weren't into going out drinking etc we enjoyed the pictures and going out for meals

Addictedtothisbloodyforum · 05/12/2017 01:00

*16 ( sausage fingers)

Original poster

AlyTab · 05/12/2017 14:45

I appreciate others opinions about it being weird, obviously that was the whole point of the thread.

Just to be clear though, they didn't start going out when they first met, it was a few months later when she had already left school. Secondly, they are of very similar mindsets imo. They have all of the same interests, most of the same life experiences (honestly), and she looks a lot older than she is (20/21).

I've mentioned these things before but it is becoming quite a longish thread so thought I'd repost just in case some people haven't seen it.

OP posts:

PaxUniversalis · 05/12/2017 15:13

17 and 21 is not weird in itself as long as they have the same maturity, the same values, are of similar mindsets, etc. However my own personal experience of dating an older guy (16 and 22) was bad because:

-I was naive and still a child at 16, even though I thought I was all grown up and wonderful.
-We came from different social backgrounds
-He had had a lot of experience is his 22 years, and not necessarily all good experience
-I later found out that alcoholism ran in his mum's side of the family, passed down from grandfather to mum to son.
-In hindsight I suspect he was suffering from some MH problem or other without being diagnosed (MH issues weren't really talked about much the 1980s I think)
-He was already in a dark place when we met (only I didn't realise it then)
-People warned me about his bad boy reputation but I was too naive and too stubborn to listen to their advice.

But 17 & 21 in itself is OK and quite common I think. My own grandparents were 17 & 21, no problem.

Original poster

AlyTab · 05/12/2017 16:46

Pax thanks a lot you have been really helpful at providing your experience and my sister really appreciates it. I let her see the replies whenever she's around and she usually comes over after I've finished work, so I'll let her see the rest of the replies when I see her. Thank you again!

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