Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

17 year old dating a 21 year old. Does this sound weird?

73 replies

AlyTab · 30/11/2017 14:46

Hi my sister turned 17 in December, and she is currently seeing a guy who turned 21 a few weeks ago. I have no problems with it at all, neither does anyone else I talk to, but his mum is really upset about the age gap and my sister gets very upset about this. It's only 4 years after all, and of course they are both consenting. She is very mature for her age too.

Any advice I can give to my sister? I really don't want her to be upset but I'm not sure how to make her feel better.

OP posts:

TheStifmeister · 30/11/2017 19:58

Whats the problem? I met my DH when i was 17, he was 21, we got married when i was 19 and have been together 30 years this year

ohfourfoxache · 30/11/2017 20:00

Pretty normal.

I was 17 and now dh was 22 when we got together. We’d been friends for a year before that.

I don’t really understand the problem tbh

Original poster

AlyTab · 01/12/2017 04:38

Thank you for the help so far everyone. I've talked to her about it for a bit just to try to relax her a bit.

She has left school after doing her exams, and she works in a shop atm. He is currently not working I don't think. They are very like minded. My sister's bf told her that when they first met in January, and his mum brought him aside and told him something along the lines of "don't do anything with that girl, she's 16" (at the time, him being 20) and she apparently had a problem with her still being in school.

Personally I'm not a fan of his mum, and according to him, she's never liked any of his previous girlfriends and most of them have been younger than him.

Again thank you for the help, the messages on here that I've showed her really made her feel better about it. To be honest I'm close to telling his mum to piss off and mind her own business.

OP posts:

Original poster

AlyTab · 01/12/2017 04:41

AndNoneForGretchenWieners if his mum is concerned over him and my sister's age gap, she would not at all care for my previous relationship! 19 year age gap. So 4 doesn't make any difference to me personally.

OP posts:

Cricrichan · 01/12/2017 04:47

Both young adults and similarlish stage in their lives. I don't see a problem.

nooka · 01/12/2017 05:13

Just for an alternative perspective, my dd is a very similar age and I'd not be happy with her dating someone so much older. Luckily for me she has strong opinions that you shouldn't date up an education level (ie middle to high school, high school to university etc) so it's not likely to be an issue. When I was at university one of my friends was dating a 16 year old (he would have been 20) and we all thought he was a total baby snatcher.

I would wonder at least a bit about the motivation of the older person and the probably power imbalance between them. I've never much bought the 'she's so mature' line either, he has four more years of life experience and when you are young that's a big difference. A 21 year old is young but still an adult where 17 isn't far off childhood. Interesting that it's the parent of the older person in the relationship that's troubled in this scenario. I wonder what specifically is bothering her.

SandyY2K · 01/12/2017 05:46

That's fine. I wouldn't be worried about it.

camelfinger · 01/12/2017 05:54

Similar age gap for us, now 20 years later...

claraschu · 01/12/2017 06:06

I kind of agree with Nooka, probably because I also have a daughter this age, who would be out of her depth with a 21 year old (though I would keep my opinions to myself). I would also be concerned if my 20 year old son were dating a girl who hadn't finished her GCSEs, so I can sympathise with his mum's feelings last January.

OP why are you thinking I kind of agree with Nooka, probably because I also have a daughter this age, who would be out of her depth with a 21 year old (though I would keep my opinions to myself).

OP why are you thinking: "To be honest I'm close to telling his mum to piss off and mind her own business." Unless his mum brings it up to you, that seems like infantilising your sister.

claraschu · 01/12/2017 06:07

Oooh really sorry about my crappy editing job there.

Mumsymcmumface · 01/12/2017 06:16

I would wonder at least a bit about the motivation of the older person and the probably power imbalance between them.

What a load of shit.

You would wonder about the motivation of someone who falls for someone four year younger than them, and who presumably has some shared interests/friendship groups etc.

We started going out 16 and 20
Engaged 17 and 21
Moved in 19 and 23
Married 21 and 25
First child 26 and 30
Now 40 and 44

claraschu · 01/12/2017 06:22

Mumsy of course there are loads of wonderful relationships between people with much bigger age gaps. I just know that, as a parent of a 16 year old girl and a 21 year old boy, I would feel a bit worried about either of them starting such a relationship. I would never voice my concern though. Well...I guess I might drop a hint to my son to be very sensitive to the age difference...

AirandMungBeans · 01/12/2017 06:29

Not weird at all. I was 17 when I got with DH, who was 21. We've now been together for 17 years and have two DC.

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 01/12/2017 08:01

I was under the impression the law changed a few years ago regarding sexual relationships between 16-18yo? It was to protect them from people who were abusing the consent laws. I thought it wasn't legal anymore for sex between a 16-17yo person with someone 18+

Have I dreamt this?!

newdaylight · 01/12/2017 08:12

*I was under the impression the law changed a few years ago regarding sexual relationships between 16-18yo? It was to protect them from people who were abusing the consent laws. I thought it wasn't legal anymore for sex between a 16-17yo person with someone 18+

Have I dreamt this?!*
You must have done! If your over 18 and in a position of trust than its an offence to have sex with someone u18, but there's no issue with what you describe

Cricrichan · 01/12/2017 09:16

She's not at school though, she's working. It'd be different if she was off to uni and he was already starting his career.

Original poster

AlyTab · 01/12/2017 16:17

claraschu no I didn't mean it that way, I just don't think she's a very nice person personally, I would probably never tell her to actually piss off.

She really is very mature, that's not just a line she really is. A lot of stuff has happened over the past few years for her, So I mean in the sense that she has grown up faster than I would say most people her age and maybe a few years above. Maturity level wise I'd say they're on par. I know the extra few years come with more life experience, but on an emotional maturity level she definitely has the edge there.

It's interesting to see people's perspectives on it though.

OP posts:

Original poster

AlyTab · 01/12/2017 16:19

Mumsymcmumface love this reply lol 😂

OP posts:

DullAndOld · 01/12/2017 16:24

I think it's fine.
if you halve the guy's age and add 7, as a rule of thumb for age gap, then this is fine.

ineedwine99 · 01/12/2017 16:27

Nope i did it, i was 17 he was 22, we were together 5 years, split up due to wanting different things. Age isn't a huge deal, my husband is 3 years younger than me

LemonysSnicket · 01/12/2017 16:50

Well im 22 and if any of my friends were dating a 17/18 yo id wonder wtf they were doing ... totally different levels of maturity and life experience. My DP, also 22, says it would be weird too.

LemonysSnicket · 01/12/2017 16:51

Although that was as unli students (so eduction til 21 etc) so maybe two workers aged 17 & 21 would be less weird.

Original poster

AlyTab · 01/12/2017 17:41

LemonysSnicket fair enough, I suppose it depends on how comfortable you are and how different you are. I wouldn't say that's the case for every relationship with this age gap at this point in their lives.

OP posts:

UpTownFuck · 01/12/2017 17:57

I met DH when I was 17 he was 20 just about to turn 21 he's 26 now and we have a toddler and are married don't think it's to large an age gap never really been a issue for us or anyone

Original poster

AlyTab · 02/12/2017 11:16

Sounds like this situation is really common actually and doesn't sound weird to me at all, I've never had a problem with age gaps though to be honest, as long as they are of legal age, are both giving their consent, and are certain no one is being taken advantage of, I don't see the problem.

I'll show all of these replies to my sis, thank you everyone for your opinions on it!

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3