If dp cheated and lied, not because of anything I did

[Fitbitironic]

that's a candidate for individual counselling for strategies on how not to be a dick, isn't it?
Dh is insisting we go together, which to me is not addressing the issues and is instead trying to partly hold my responsible for things he chose to do.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? I've told him basically he needs to work on never cheating or lying to me again - he said I would have a sympathetic audience to explain how shit he's been and to give us a way forward. I don't need an audience (would find it excruciating ) I need him not to cheat or lie again.

I just read this thread and realized it's you. I think it's really relevant to the other thread that he has cheated on you more than once.

If you aren't going to counseling with him, then go see a solicitor and get that process started. Your marriage is a mess that makes you very unhappy, and its been that way for a long time. You don't want to work on it because you know that the problem is him being who he is, and that no matter what you do he will still be who he is.

You could try marriage counseling and see if it helps. It might, but it might not. Your marriage might be past saving no matter what you do. You could also ask him to draw up what he thinks is fair for a financial settlement incase marriage counseling fails. It might be interesting.

If you chose not to go to counseling with him, then end your marriage and move on to the next stage of your life without him. I suspect that once the first wave of emotion is past, you'll feel a lot better without him.

In the other thread, I could see a thread of hope for your marriage. In this one I don't.

Already mentioned and he agreed to do whatever I felt I needed. Although did say it sounded like I was laying the grounds for leaving him.

if you were to contract genital herpes from him would you still stay if month after month you suffered physical debilitating pain.
I hope you have taken care of yourself physically.

As I understand it, your Dh has had several instances of cheating and using porn. Each time you have forgiven and trusted again.
The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour, so there is a fair chance he will cheat and use porn in the future and you will forgive and trust again. You want him to change and believe people can change, but don’t think he is taking the situation seriously enough to work on that change.
You don’t see why you should have joint counselling as it’s your DH who needs to change.

Bit of a cliche, but if you keep doing the same ol thing and keep getting a response you don’t like, you have to change your behaviour as you can’t change the other person’s. Why should you spend your life living for resentment and anger because of your DH’s behaviour? He won’t change (remember you said that), so you have to, if you want things to change for the better. Yes it’s a pain, yes you don’t deserve it, yes you will have to put effort in to it, but if he won’t change, you also not changing will not help you.

You will have to take ownership of the situation- I think separate counselling for you both, with a joint session or 2 at some later stage would be useful.

I think maybe he wants the counsellor for you to open up fully about how you feel, how it made you feel, so he can understand.

Some men have their brains elsewhere, it's not that they don't love their OH, I don't know what it is. My ex H, ex for many more reasons than his constant sexualisation of women, would be like a kid in the candy shop on the school run. I became so immune to it, he kept pushing the boundaries. All he'd get from me is that's nice dear. It appeared when the Dads were together they were eating other school Mums, are their boobs real or fake.

I did make an effort, it wasn't really noticed, so gave up, several years down the line we decided enough was enough as he got really invested in a woman. I was pretty numb to it all so it didn't bother me. At the same time when he did it to begin with I'd get showered with gifts and promises of change. It made no difference.

Hopefully 'D'H will take on board how it's made you feel and not even look at a woman in that way, not even on TV. If he tries to put the onus on you I'm sure the counsellor will say it's about owning your own actions.

He won’t change (remember you said that)
I don't think I actually did say that. This whole thing relies on my believing he can change. If I knew I would be having a repeat of all the previous stuff I wouldn't still be here.

lying cheating and thanks to a few posters now porn.
too much to change...it's not like we are talking dress sense or table manners.
you've said it 100 times he's not invested in a change.
"insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result"

I think it may be a better use of your time to start investing in yourself rather than this relationship - seeing a solicitor to work out your rights, retraining or picking up more work. Whilst you are so reliant on him and making your marriage work he will have no impetus to change - despite having gone through finding stuff out over a period of time he hasn’t done the hard work - he’s still a narcissistic lying cheating scumbag isn’t he?

I have a horrible feeling that he’s so keen on counselling together so that he can lay the blame for his behaviour firmly at your door, rather than taking responsibility. Then once in counselling what if you don’t show the appropriate amount of emotion to convince him to change? Or say the exact thing which will make him snap out of it? ... its then your responsibility he has continued (in a warped way).

My exh was so keen for us to go to counselling so that he could tell everyone we had been and he had tried his hardest. Its been twisted so that he came out the good guy despite all other evidence to the contrary.

If you show him you’re heading for the door it may shock him into changing. Its not a strategy without risks - my exh walked into the arms of ow when I did this. However I am now living life on my own terms and not in the shadow of some great dick.

I think it may be a better use of your time to start investing in yourself rather than this relationship

yes, yes, yes.
Great post. I agree with all of it.

I'm a big fan of therapy but you need the right therapist. This is at least doubly true for relationship counseling.

My husband and I went for 18 months and he absolutely manipulated the counseling sessions to show me in a bad light. I felt powerless to defend myself but I tried to engage as much as I could as I was heavily invested in saving the marriage. Eventually our counselor realised that we were going round in circles and described the relationship as toxic. I still couldn't leave because I needed to know I'd done everything I could to save it.

So you're right to be concerned. But you might like to look at why you're so invested in the relationship and what your beliefs are in relation to that. Turns out I believe it's my responsibility to fix things and I have a perfectionist streak that doesn't know when enough is enough.

He's now an ex, thank goodness. It has led me to a brilliant therapist and I've had to unpick my abusive childhood in the process but I'm in a much better place now.

Having read your update I would keep things very close to my chest.
See a solicitor, on private and get legal advice about where you stand financially.
Even if you stay together do this. Then start to think of yourself and stop relying and investing so much in your dh.
Go to counselling if you must and listen. Listen to what your dh says and what the counsellor suggests, this will be very telling. It will give you some insight as to whether your dh wants to change or really doesn't give two hoots about you.

I just happened across your 'successful businessman' thread.

My dear, you have more than just his infidelity on your plate. You have his complete lack of respect for you and the value of what you bring to your marriage.

He will never feel that you are worth his fidelity. You may be worth a bit of hassle from time to time and worth keeping around because you make his life comfortable, but that's not what you're looking for is it? You certainly deserve much better.

Have you asked him how he believes marriage counseling will help him keep his dick in his pants?

(I probably shouldn’t drink and post)