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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

If dp cheated and lied, not because of anything I did

64 replies

Fitbitironic · 30/11/2017 03:51

that's a candidate for individual counselling for strategies on how not to be a dick, isn't it?
Dh is insisting we go together, which to me is not addressing the issues and is instead trying to partly hold my responsible for things he chose to do.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? I've told him basically he needs to work on never cheating or lying to me again - he said I would have a sympathetic audience to explain how shit he's been and to give us a way forward. I don't need an audience (would find it excruciating ) I need him not to cheat or lie again.

OP posts:

SonicBoomBoom · 30/11/2017 07:38

So in the past you have have forgiven him for lying to you, and cheating, and he's done it again and again. Yet you think your relationship can recover and you will be able to trust him again?

Bekabeech · 30/11/2017 07:40

I think you need to decide maybe with the help of counselling which is of most value to you:
A) the happy supporting family time you have sometimes now
OR
B) him being faithful and truthful?

Most people on MN would say B, but there have been plenty of people who turn a blind eye to cheating and covering up in order to preserve what is most important to them.
If this is your choice then you will have to tacitly accept that that is "how he is", and that at some point in the future your DC might find out and lose respect for you. Oh and one day he might meet someone who he leaves you for (after all you've been through).
But it's your choice.

Aria2015 · 30/11/2017 07:43

I think if you want to stay and make things work you should both go. Yes, he absolutely needs to work on himself but a counsellor would get a better idea of how to help if they can see first hand the dynamics of the relationship and listen to you and your side too. It will infuriate you if he goes alone and comes back with phrases like ‘the counsellor says I need to try and make my needs better known to you’ and ‘the counsellor says sometimes I need to put my needs first’ - it will be all out of context because you weren’t there and it will also be all about him. Go and have your say - you must be carrying a lot of anger and resentment. Talking it through really can help let some of that go.

Hernameisdeborah · 30/11/2017 07:44

Counselling isn't about attributing blame or deciding who is responsible for what went wrong, it's about improving communication between you both, or at least it should be. Surely anything that helps you articulate to him how angry and hurt he caused you to feel is a good thing, if you really are determined to make the marriage work? A counsellor may make him really take notice of how you feel? Because at the moment, whilst you have all communication with him on your own terms, he may find it easier to wriggle his way out of the situation and not take on board everything you say without an objective third party forcing him to confront the issues in your relationship.

pollythedolly · 30/11/2017 09:09

You should go to counselling with him. A good counsellor would ensure it’s not all about him.

chestylarue52 · 30/11/2017 09:11

He needs a counsellor to tell him what monogamy is? That's not a good strategy. He knows what he's doing is wrong he chooses to do it anyway. He doesn't need clarification or tools to avoid it. He's not a child.

BitOutOfPractice · 30/11/2017 09:15

You want him to be sorry and change. But a. he doesn't want to (why should he? he's havinng fun! and b. he knows he can keep doing this again and again and you'll just let it go

"I did trust him in between"

Think about that. You were wrong to trust him. He's not trustworthy. How many times does he have to demonstrate that to you?

hellsbellsmelons · 30/11/2017 10:14

I need him not to cheat or lie again.
Yeah well that aint gonna happen is it?!!!
He's not taking full responsibility.
He's not prepared to look at ways for HIMSELF to get help to address it all.
I'm wondering how old you are and why so are so desperate to cling on to a cheating, lying, asshole????
YOU need to address that.
And quickly.
What have been his consequences for the lying and cheating?
He will continue to do it while you keep putting up with it.
Get some self-respect and leave this loser!
Get yourself some counselling.
Understand why you are OK putting up with being treated like shit and walked all over.
Then move with your life.

notanurse2017 · 30/11/2017 11:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Isetan · 30/11/2017 12:33

He isn't broken, he's a liar and a cheat whose partner won't accept that this is who he is. I'm sure there's more to him than the lies and the cheating but it doesn't mitigate the parts of him that repeatedly lies and cheat.

I think you are avoiding counselling because you don't want to be confronted with the reality of who he is. You're waiting around for him to be different but It's not that he doesn't get it, it's because he just doesn't care to get it.

The price of staying in this relationship is constantly flitting between waiting for him to 'slip up'and dealing with the aftermath of his slip ups.

You and individual counselling won't fix him, only he can do that and unfortunately, in spite of his lame arse apologies, he doesn't want to.

At some point you're going to have to realise that constant dizziness is the price you will have to pay, in order to stay on this merry go round.

Original poster

Fitbitironic · 30/11/2017 20:03

Thx for the links bibidee... Funnily (or not), I'd actually been at the point of almost highlighting relevant paragraphs in a book I bought from Amazon (mentioned in first link)...

notanurse ons, developing a relationship with a 'friend' behind my back, to the extent that he told me he was leaving out of the blue when he found out she had split up with her boyfriend. Ongoing deliberate lies about continued porn use.
This last involved finding out about the ongoing lies and a lot of stuff he hadn't told me about the previous events. There are also things which are unexplained, but which could be either dodgy or not. Based on the fact of his long term lying and previous actions, I'm inclined to believe they are dodgy.

Yes, he has been given an ultimatum and clear boundaries now ( I've read 'not just friends') but I have a lot of resentment that he hasn't done anything off his own back apart from say he won't do it again and he understands. Then gets arsey when I bug him for the details about another lie I've just realized he told. And then presents it as a relationship or communication problem for joint counseling.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fitbitironic · 30/11/2017 20:07

I partly think he needs to put some effort in himself, just as I have, before I go to counseling. Why should I do something I don't want to when he hasn't put any effort in yet?

OP posts:

inlectorecumbit · 30/11/2017 20:17

He hasn't put any effort in because he doesn't want to, it's a case of brush it under the carpet till the next time he does it.

Your relationship is dead in the water

free2017 · 30/11/2017 20:18

Why should I do something I don't want to when he hasn't put any effort yet ?

Because he doesn't need to do anything to keep you . He doesn't have any consequences so why should he bother.

pigeondujour · 30/11/2017 20:26

OP, he sounds bloody awful.

tomatoplantproject · 30/11/2017 20:29

It seems to me that he knows full well what he’s doing and either he thinks thats a part of his life you have no right to be involved with, or that he just doesn’t care enough about you to set your mind at ease. I would wager there is far more you don’t know about which is why there are things which are unexplained.

I’m so sorry to be so blunt, but unless he is in this heart and soul you won’t ever feel comfortable or safe in your relationship. He hasn’t demonstrated recently that he’s in this long tough ride to start winning your trust back has he? I know how hard it is to get to this point when you have so much history together and love for him (I agonised and agonised) but honestly life is so much nicer no longer being tangled in a web of lives.

Thesmallthings · 30/11/2017 20:35

I think you both need to go together.. It'll help you communicate about the affair as well as how to move forward.

But I think you should both have your own aswell

BitchQueen90 · 30/11/2017 20:45

If he's not putting any effort in then he's obviously not taking it that seriously. If he was genuinely remorseful then he'd be doing everything in his power to save your relationship. I could not be with someone who had so little regard for me.

Josuk · 30/11/2017 20:50

OP - sorry to say, I don’t think there is a happy ending here.
He won’t change. Would just hide things better. He clearly doesn’t think that there is an issue in him alone - and hence wants you in counselling with him.
And - whatever he is missing in your relationship - would still be missing.

You, in the other hand are quite detached from this all. Maybe you are numb, maybe angry.
You don’t mention love, or being hurt - all it seems is that you are quite annoyed. And you think that the marriage needs to survive - maybe it is for the sake of the children, or the financial arrangement. It’s unclear, but also doesn’t matter really.

It won’t work this way. If it were to survive - both of you need to work on it. And neither of you seem to want to - maybe because you both know it’s futile.

Original poster

Fitbitironic · 30/11/2017 21:07

It won’t work this way. If it were to survive - both of you need to work on it. And neither of you seem to want to
I already have, but it feels futile to be the only one looking for strategies- that are for him mostly anyway!

He clearly doesn’t think that there is an issue in him alone - and hence wants you in counselling with him.
Yes, what I thought.

The love is still there, but gets buried deeper each time something happens. The hurt has mostly turned into anger and resentment now, which is easier than feeling hurt about something I had no hand in causing.

OP posts:

Teensandfuture · 30/11/2017 22:03

Think you just should have updated your previous thread instead of creating brand new one. Now his arrogant nasty behaviour towards you makes sence..its not because power and career made him big headed,it's because he's seeing other woman/women.
Love you really need to sort your financial situation out and get ducks in row! Try to find yourself and loose him.

Original poster

Fitbitironic · 30/11/2017 22:28

Now his arrogant nasty behaviour towards you makes sence..its not because power and career made him big headed,it's because he's seeing other woman/women.
I really don't think it's been the case for a very long time, which is why I had two different threads on two different (but possibly related) threads. It is true that his behavior regarding the women in the first and second incidents must have come from a place of (commonly) male entitlement, selfishness and arrogance. He has admitted that. There is no clear evidence to suggest another ons or hidden relationship since. However, there is still an air of superiority with regard to other things (whether he realises it or not). I think he is trying to avoid being like this,
but has no strategies to help.

Different issues, different threads for opinions.

OP posts:

Teensandfuture · 30/11/2017 23:18

By trying to disect your marriage issues you are missing the bigger picture..the main point he's seeing other women (once a cheat always a cheat) and he doesn't treat you well.Hardly loving behaviour is it?

Original poster

Fitbitironic · 01/12/2017 02:22

he's seeing other women (once a cheat always a cheat)
Really, teens, you know this for a fact despite not living with him, and also know for a fact that no one has ever cheated, regretted it and changed.

Looks to me as if you're trying for another derailed thread, since you did such a good job elsewhere.

OP posts:

OldWitch00 · 01/12/2017 02:30

I believe the regret is in getting caught.

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