Bf staying over when dc are in bed, would you?

[CandiedPeach]

Only been seeing each other a few months (I’ve known him longer) and we are taking things slow. Absolutely no plans for him to meet dd or anything.

We only really get to see each one night a week, when dd is with her Dad. But I’m currently sat home alone, and wondering if it would be so bad to invite him round when dd is in bed. She sleeps through and rationally I can’t think of any reason why not, but I can’t help feeling it’s a bit..... (can’t quite think of a word to describe it).

And if I did would I/should I tell dd’s Dad? We have an agreement we’d speak to the other before introducing anyone to her, but he wouldn’t be actually seeing her at all.

Perhaps you can tell your ex rather than discuss.

I get what people are saying and I know I don’t have to tell my ex anything, but I’d like to know if it was the other way round.
So I told him last night whe he called to see dd. The conversation was ok, but he’s not keen on the idea. He did raise a quite valid point and asked me to wait until after Christmas and new year and then he’d like to meet him first. I’m not sure about the meeting part, but agreed to wait until the new year.

He has said he’ll come round through the week and “babysit” (don’t like that term when she’s his child). So I can go out and meet my Bf. I actually have sitters though and can and do go meet him for dinner or cinema through the week. He’s 45 minutes drive away though so we tend to meet half way and it’s more the spending the night together I wanted.
And sex, I want sex more than once a week .

But it’s only until the new year and hopefully my ex will remember I considered his feelings, when it’s the other way round.

I don't get that at all. Your ex is not the one in charge of your life, you are. You sound like a nervous 16yo presenting your first boyfriend to your dad.

Its really none of your ex's business, your bf is not meeting your DD.
I think he's being a tiny bit controlling here.

How is it a valid point to wait til New Year? And what's the purpose of him meeting him - presumably he's not under the impression he gets a veto?

My girlfriend was very respectful of her ex's feelings and opinions concerning their daughters when she and I started seeing each other. I did meet him before I met him. He was consulted on the right time for me to be introduced to them. Now all three of us work together planning birthdays and things like that. It's as ideal a scenario as it can be, really.

However, the couple of months of me sneaking round in the evening before I met them was our secret and something she didn't feel he ever needed to know about!

Don't wait til new year and don't introduce to ex first. What's he going to do, veto him if he doesn't like him? And how come ex gets 6 nights a week to do what (or who) he likes and you only get one? Can't she go for the odd extra night to her dad's?

Anyway she's one. Even if she woke up and met your bf she's not going to think oh that's mummy's bf, I bet they're shagging, maybe he will be my new step dad.

Your ex is trying to control you even though you have split up. You need to stop that sharpish

He’s not controlling at all, that was never a issue in our relationship. He knows it’s ultimately my decision and he says he trusts me completely in regards to who I have around out daughter. His concern is that it’s still very early and he thinks that it could easily be a case of him being here and accidentally meeting dd and then it being a case of, you’ve met her now so no need to not do so again.

He can’t have her extra nights due to work, he leaves very early and it would mess up her routine. He wishes he could though and he’s very good with maintenance.

I’m trying to be considerate as I know he worries that someone new in my life, could very well end up seeing his daughter much more than he does and if it was the other way, I’d find that very difficult.

The meeting him, is so that if he does end up meeting dd unplanned. He’s already met him.

That's the way it goes when you split up. You don't need to overdo the consideration for him. You might not think this is controlling behaviour but to me it is.

When you split up and you don't share 50/50 residency then of course your ex's new partner may see more of your dc. Is he hard of thinking ? If he trusts you to choose well why does he have to vet them first?

I understand it could be seen as controlling, but I know him and like I said that’s never been a issue for us. He generally goes with what I want in regards to dd.

He would happily have her all weekend, obviously I don’t want that though and he knows that wouldn’t be fair.

I was a bit unsure about him staying, hence me posting to start with. If we were logistical nearer it wouldn’t be a issue, so I don’t think waiting a month is a such bad thing.

Why doesn't he do weekends. The ideal pattern is every other weekend and a night every week where possible. This is what the courts usually decide when it comes to these matters.

I don't really see why it's obvious her dad shouldn't have her all weekend?

Because I want to have time with her at the weekend as well pigeon otherwise I’d be doing all the day to day, getting up, dropping at nursery and doing bath/bed stuff and not having a day off to do the fun stuff with her.

We plan to move to eow when she’s a bit older, at the moment we split the weekend with him generally getting a bit longer.

His work means he can’t do nights through the week as he leaves too early and isn’t always home in time for bedtime.

I would certainly bring the EOW forward then if I were you. If nothing else it will give you more time to relax and have some you time. You will get used to these arrangements

I actually prefer us splitting the weekend User888 not really looking forward to when I don’t see her all weekend, even if it’s only every other. Plus she’s still breastfeeding before bed and first thing in the morning. When she’s with her dad she just has a cup of cows milk now, but I don’t really want that for two nights/mornings in a row.

I’ve spoke to my Bf and said he can come round tonight for a bit once dd is in bed, we will just wait until the new year for him to sleep over. He’s fine with that and fine with meeting my ex if it’s what I want (I’m not sure on that yet!)

Whats the difference between your DP coming round for a bit tonight to staying the whole night and heading off in the morning before DD wakes up?

I do have to say I also don't know why your ex has to meet your new man before you introduce him to DD. What happens if your ex doesn't like new DP? Does he get to veto you seeing and DD seeing him?

Is a little part of you worried he might not be so generous with splitting weekends with you, 'letting' you have DD every weeknight and being generous with maintenance if you don't appear to be considering his feelings? It does seem a bit like you want to keep him on side by not rocking the boat - perhaps you're doing it unconsciously?

I don’t think there’s a huge difference Housework but my ex seemed more bothered by the staying over. I’d already kinda said ok to the waiting until new year and lots of posters seemed to think I shouldn’t so I text my ex and said I’d still wait on him staying over night, but that I’d be inviting him on round when dd was in bed, he just won’t stay the night.

I thought the meeting him before he meets dd, would be really quite normal. I’d like to meet someone who was potentially going to play a part in my dd’s life. He’s not thinking he gets a say or anything, I think it’s just to put a face to a name kind of thing.

He’s not “letting” me have every weeknight. He knows he can’t do say every Wednesday night or 50/50, his shifts change, sometimes he works away, sometimes he works nights. It’s him who needs to rely on me being flexible, otherwise he’d only see her on his weekend time.
He is generous with maintenance, because he knows the only reason he can do the hours/job he does and still maintain his relationship with dd is because of me. So he thinks (and rightly so I believe) that I should also benefit from that. So he pays a set amount above what he legally has to and then gives me extra if he has overtime/bonus. I don’t need his money though, if he stopped paying tomorrow me and dd would be absolutely fine.

I want to consider his feelings because we do get on and I believe he genuinely wants what’s best for our daughter. Something we share, even though we’re no longer a couple.

You sound like you are doing the right thing by your daughter and your ex. I also informed my ex, who I didn't get on with at all, when I was going to introduce my partner and child as a matter of courtesy. As it happens we don't have the same standards and he was happy to drag our child into every new relationship he had. I just stuck to what was right for me.

I did the hiding overnight thing first though. For too long as it happens! But it did not harm and worked out fine.

As an aside to the main point CandiedPeach, we split when out boys were 5 & 2 and went with half of every weekend (plus a weekday night) and are still in this routine nearly 10 years later.
We share holidays 50/50 and are relatively flexible around swapping / having more time if needed etc, but find in general that sitting the weekend (one week fri/sat next week sat/sun) works pretty well for us all.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say it's not unreasonable for your ex to want some kind of input into who might be closely involved in his child's life in the future.
Imagine the opposite scenario: "Me and my ex split up X months ago and they've already got their new partner staying over while my kids are asleep in next room. I've never met the new partner and hate the idea of a strange man stranger being around them while they're asleep."
Assuming that your relationship with your ex is generally amicable and non-controlling I think it's less about him wanting to control your sex life and more about him taking an interest in his daughter's life and the people who could impact that. I know I wouldn't be thrilled about a man I'd never met staying the night in the house where my child was sleeping.

I used to have a boyfriend over after dd was asleep. But she was a bit older, so I told her just in case they met. Didn't have sex though, would have felt wrong!

Def would not have dreamt of telling the ex!

That’s exactly it Another I think the idea of sleeping over seems more intimate to him, not in regards to me but to dd. Another man getting up to use bathroom, have a shower all while his daughter sleeps near by, him being there if something happens in the night etc. I get his concerns, as I posted in the first place because I had my own.

I honestly think my ex will take his time caring he’s quite adamant dd will not be introduced to any girlfriends for a long time. He does understand I’ll realistically need to do it sooner than him though, due to me having her a lot more and he’s absolutely fine with that. But like you say, even if he changes and becomes a dick about it, I’ll still do what I think is right.

That’s good to hear Chasing everyone keeps asking when are we doing eow. But I do like how we split the weekends at the moment.

Anyway, thanks all. My bf came round last night, we had a takeaway and watched a bit of tv. I did find I struggled to relax, kept feeling the need to check dd was still sleeping.
So I’m actually glad I didn’t say he could sleep over straight away, but it was nice him being here