Relationship advice

[Ruby88]

Hi I'm new to this but could really do with some advice
I have been with my partner for 10 years since I was 18 he was 17 done everything together bought 2 houses good jobs nice holidays etc. It has got to the stage where I really wanted him to propose around 2 or 3 years ago but it didn't happen I just get on with it but it does get to me when people ask so many times you not married yet etc.
I have never really had the urge to have children I'm a only child and both of our parents are divorced so it's never really came up I've just been enjoying life and our relationship, but recently a friend of mine got married and some questions have came up in the relationship and my partner has basically said he hasn't proposed as he's worried I don't want childeren . Ok I understand that but now I feel pressure to make a decision or that if I decide I don't want kids then we are over . It's really upsetting as we both love each other but I wanted a proposal years ago now I feel like I'm not worth it to him and having kids is and that he doesn't love me enough to propose and hope I change my mind it's so confusing but I don't want to loose somoeone but am so scared of pregnancy?? Is it harsh that I wanted him to propose to show he loves me no matter or am I being harsh by being unsure if I want kids and making him except that ?

[Ruby88]

I think in my head I have thought about the magical side of things and what's wrong with me etc why isn't he proposing but really I do get it it's because he doesn't want a broken marriage . I think just the whole life Change scares me but I suppose your scared no matter what

[Ruby88]

I think in my head I have thought about the magical side of things and what's wrong with me etc why isn't he proposing but really I do get it it's because he doesn't want a broken marriage . I think just the whole life Change scares me but I suppose your scared no matter what

[CoyoteCafe]

it would be me doing mostly everything

If your understanding going in is that if you have children with him, you will do mostly everything, then it makes sense to be scared. It makes you very vulnerable.

Being married is better than being single when making babies, but it isn't a guarantee. There is a thread right now about how a man becoming more and more successful has caused him to treat his wife badly. I think it would make excellent reading for someone thinking about "doing mostly everything."

I can't help but wonder if part of the reason that you don't want children with him is because he has already shown you how you will be treated and what you can expect, and that you know it won't be a good thing for you.

[ferrier]

Why are you scared of having kids?

Is it part of your fear of being the one to do the lion's share of the childcare?

You need a long talk with dp about how he sees your potential family unit. Tell him your fears.

[Josuk]

OP - things that scare you about the potential life changes are exactly the things you need to talk about with your bf.
At this point, both of you seem to be making assumptions about the other - and your relationship is being affected.
He is thinking you don’t want kids and, possibly, struggling with that idea.
You think that if you do - it’ll be all on you. Which seems to be your assumption - since you haven’t really discussed that with him.
And, you are carrying resentment for the lack of ‘proposal’ - that seems to be some Hollywood moment in your fantasy.

If I were you - and while you still have the relationship that hasn’t been irreparably damaged by all these unspoken assumptions - just talk to each other!!!!
Try it!

[Ruby88]

Thanks everyone it's very helpful all the points you have made

[MiniTheMinx]

I never wanted children. I was scared of childbirth. Petrified. I couldn't talk about it, couldn't listen to friends talking about childbirth and I had never held a baby or felt maternal. I was your age when an obgyn I saw for endometriosis said "if you want children you had better start now" I panicked and now I have two DS.

I did everything, I gave up work, I did HE for years, I rarely had time to myself, I resented their father (for other reasons) however I've never regretted a thing. Mine are 12 and 16, to me they are the most fantastic humans I've ever met, their father and I are not together (thankfully)

I did it all wrong, no romantic proposal, no shared childcare with ex, no planning......but hey, it's worked out fine. I never needed his money and don't now. Being married would have necessarily lead to divorce.

You must do what's right for you, I just wanted to illustrate that it's possible to get over the fear, it's possible to find yourself quite happy despite the sacrifices, and it's quite possible that your relationship married or not may not survive, but if you do have DC you have a commitment that is far more enduring. And I've rarely met anyone one else who has said they regret having children. For most love seems to outweigh any negatives.

[Ruby88]

Thankyou for the advice sometimes it's hard when you don't know what path to follow and don't have clear direction but I'm in a stable relationship both with good jobs etc and wouldn't want it to come between us and then regret in years down the line