Relationship advice

[Ruby88]

Hi I'm new to this but could really do with some advice
I have been with my partner for 10 years since I was 18 he was 17 done everything together bought 2 houses good jobs nice holidays etc. It has got to the stage where I really wanted him to propose around 2 or 3 years ago but it didn't happen I just get on with it but it does get to me when people ask so many times you not married yet etc.
I have never really had the urge to have children I'm a only child and both of our parents are divorced so it's never really came up I've just been enjoying life and our relationship, but recently a friend of mine got married and some questions have came up in the relationship and my partner has basically said he hasn't proposed as he's worried I don't want childeren . Ok I understand that but now I feel pressure to make a decision or that if I decide I don't want kids then we are over . It's really upsetting as we both love each other but I wanted a proposal years ago now I feel like I'm not worth it to him and having kids is and that he doesn't love me enough to propose and hope I change my mind it's so confusing but I don't want to loose somoeone but am so scared of pregnancy?? Is it harsh that I wanted him to propose to show he loves me no matter or am I being harsh by being unsure if I want kids and making him except that ?

[Ruby88]

Thankyou for the advice sometimes it's hard when you don't know what path to follow and don't have clear direction but I'm in a stable relationship both with good jobs etc and wouldn't want it to come between us and then regret in years down the line

[MiniTheMinx]

I never wanted children. I was scared of childbirth. Petrified. I couldn't talk about it, couldn't listen to friends talking about childbirth and I had never held a baby or felt maternal. I was your age when an obgyn I saw for endometriosis said "if you want children you had better start now" I panicked and now I have two DS.

I did everything, I gave up work, I did HE for years, I rarely had time to myself, I resented their father (for other reasons) however I've never regretted a thing. Mine are 12 and 16, to me they are the most fantastic humans I've ever met, their father and I are not together (thankfully)

I did it all wrong, no romantic proposal, no shared childcare with ex, no planning......but hey, it's worked out fine. I never needed his money and don't now. Being married would have necessarily lead to divorce.

You must do what's right for you, I just wanted to illustrate that it's possible to get over the fear, it's possible to find yourself quite happy despite the sacrifices, and it's quite possible that your relationship married or not may not survive, but if you do have DC you have a commitment that is far more enduring. And I've rarely met anyone one else who has said they regret having children. For most love seems to outweigh any negatives.

[Ruby88]

Thanks everyone it's very helpful all the points you have made

[Josuk]

OP - things that scare you about the potential life changes are exactly the things you need to talk about with your bf.
At this point, both of you seem to be making assumptions about the other - and your relationship is being affected.
He is thinking you don’t want kids and, possibly, struggling with that idea.
You think that if you do - it’ll be all on you. Which seems to be your assumption - since you haven’t really discussed that with him.
And, you are carrying resentment for the lack of ‘proposal’ - that seems to be some Hollywood moment in your fantasy.

If I were you - and while you still have the relationship that hasn’t been irreparably damaged by all these unspoken assumptions - just talk to each other!!!!
Try it!

[ferrier]

Why are you scared of having kids?

Is it part of your fear of being the one to do the lion's share of the childcare?

You need a long talk with dp about how he sees your potential family unit. Tell him your fears.

[CoyoteCafe]

it would be me doing mostly everything

If your understanding going in is that if you have children with him, you will do mostly everything, then it makes sense to be scared. It makes you very vulnerable.

Being married is better than being single when making babies, but it isn't a guarantee. There is a thread right now about how a man becoming more and more successful has caused him to treat his wife badly. I think it would make excellent reading for someone thinking about "doing mostly everything."

I can't help but wonder if part of the reason that you don't want children with him is because he has already shown you how you will be treated and what you can expect, and that you know it won't be a good thing for you.

[Ruby88]

I think in my head I have thought about the magical side of things and what's wrong with me etc why isn't he proposing but really I do get it it's because he doesn't want a broken marriage . I think just the whole life Change scares me but I suppose your scared no matter what

[Ruby88]

I think in my head I have thought about the magical side of things and what's wrong with me etc why isn't he proposing but really I do get it it's because he doesn't want a broken marriage . I think just the whole life Change scares me but I suppose your scared no matter what

[TangledSlinky]

It sounds like you both need to sit down and be open about what you want from your future and whether your wants are compatible. No matter how much I loved someone I wouldn't get engaged to them if they were unsure about having children. For me having kids is a non-negotiable.

[RandomMess]

Hmmm does he really want DC or just the fantasy of having DC and a family? Its a bit of a cheek if he's expecting you to do the bulk of the work... discussions around why you are expected to give up your job to be had!

[ReanimatedSGB]

Don't agree to DC without marriage if he expects you to do the main childrearing.

It's fine not to want kids, and it's fine not to want to marry, just as it's fine if you do want marriage and children. What can be not fine is men who want (or are at least happy to have) children, and for the mother of those children to either give up work or reduce her hours considerably, while not marrying her. A man who resists marrying a woman is quite often motivated by making sure he doesn't have to give her any more money than he sees fit, especially if he decides to walk away.

[Josuk]

Ruby - if the situation were reversed and you wanted kids and he wasn’t sure and wanted you to wait for him to (maybe) change his mind -
And you posted this there - most of the advice on here would be - run, and find someone who wants kids.

You have an idealised view of marriage and proposals. It is not NO MATTER what and hope it works out. Alignment of life goals and rough direction is needed before marriage. One can’t hope that the alignment would happen after.

So - absolutely - you shouldn’t be pressured to want to have children. And if kids are important to him - he needs to realise that he shouldn’t pressure you. And that, being a male, he does have a little bit more time where he can wait to stick around. But then, he has to make his own life goals a priority and make a choice.

Equilally - you can’t pressurise him into a proposal. It almost feels like you are testing him and needing him to prove his unconditional love to you by proposing.
You can’t force your romantic idea of marriage (and life conquering all) on him.

[CoyoteCafe]

When you say he has his own business and you fear the strain that having kids would put on you, do you mean that while he wants to have children, it is clear that you would do most of the care taking of the children while he was working at his business?

That's a fair thing to work out before marriage. If part of what he wants is you to be the one to put everything aside and raise babies and run the home while he works, then you are quite right to be concerned. But a honest conversation will help, not naïve nonsense about love and marriage.

[TammySwansonTwo]

AT your age I wasn't ready for kids either and my DH and I were both of the mind that we might have them or we might not (I had some gynae issues that meant it was unlikely to happen without assistance). Finally had twins at 35, don't feel like we are missing out on anything now. It's normal to be scared, it's a massive life change, but you have to do it because you want them, not because he does. It's wonderful but also extremely difficult and I wouldn't cope if it wasn't what I actually wanted.

[Ruby88]

Ok thanks a lot of what everyone is saying makes sense it just seems so hard to make a decision. I look at life and think yes I would love memories etc with children and family times but just very scared about the whole thing maybe that's my biggest issue

[Babyblues052]

It's a touch situation and you must feel a bit under pressure, but I agree with PNGirl from what you've said it doesn't seem he is saying kids are make or break.

[QueenAravisOfArchenland]

It would be crazy to get engaged or married before the two of you are sure you are on the same page about kids. So he's right to focus on that.

Nobody loves anybody "no matter what" and it's foolish to get engaged unless your life goals are compatible. Marriage is about making a life together not about grand romantic gestures. If you're really not sure about kids yet then the two of you will need to play this out as bf/gf a while longer until you can resolve it.

[Babyblues052]

I think he's right not to commit to marriage as he is unsure if you are both on the same page when it come to children. I wouldn't want to get married unless I was 100% sure my partner wanted the same things out of life as me.

[Ruby88]

Also I understand if my head was clear and I said defiantly no I don't want them then I would not expect him to stay but because I'm really unsure and scared about things it's hard to decide if you never really get that maternal instinct

[PNGirl]

He isn't saying I will only marry you if you agree to children - he is saying he doesn't want to marry you if you don't want them. Those are different things.

[PNGirl]

You can't expect him to marry you regardless of what he wants if he is already telling you children are a non-negotiable. What would be the point? You would have to get divorced!

[Ruby88]

I work full time he has his own business so it would be me doing mostly everything I'm just scared of the strain it could have on us etc

[Ruby88]

I agree but then I wonder this may sound silly would I feel different about the kids things if he had of proposed years ago and I felt that he was 100 % committed?

[RandomMess]

I think it's really important you both share the same future vision when you marry. Perhaps it's time to have the discussion that if he wants DC would he take on the parenting role, do you share the household tasks and mental load equally?

[MiniTheMinx]

I think he's being quite rational. If he wants children he's probably been biding his time hoping eventually you will too. Why would he commit to marriage if that means foregoing having children. If you don't want them then it would be fairer to say so now and go your separate ways.