Warning bells or sheer paranoia?

[stirling]

Hello,

Just need someone external perspective on this - my head's going round in circles.

Briefly, separated from ex husband 5 years ago (serial adulterer) , met someone I loved very much in the past couple of years but who was persistently elusive - did the disappearing act regularly but he loved me intensely when we'd see each other (once a fortnight). I always wanted more so kept leaving him, to save myself from pain.

Fast forward to today - met the most incredible man about 2 months ago, it's been wonderful getting to know him. He seems to be the considerate, thoughtful, attentive person I've been searching for all my life. I feel completely relaxed (had numerous relationships in the past with men who were always playing the field) with him and don't incessantly worry about the whole game playing ordeal. He's keen to meet my children (I've said not yet) and takes a huge interest in me.

Problem: he's struggling financially. Severely. He's a carpenter by trade and is nearly 57. Apparently he's not got anything in terms of house /savings because of his divorce where he left with nothing. Looks like he's never considered saving till now. He gets work daily through Gumtree but it's apparently insignificant.
He talks a lot about this, he sounds worried particularly in light of the fact that we've met and are falling in love. He says he understands women require financial stability in life etc and he has nothing to offer ...he lives in another city but travels up to London to see me every week. Apparently, the room he's renting becomes unavailable soon.

I'm just managing ok ish on my own. Got house and savings I haven't told him about. Been through my own divorce hell this year with an ex husband whom I married when he was financially bankrupt and pretty much in the gutter. I built up my ex husband, trained him, got him a great job, he's on a high wage now but even so he fought me ruthlessly for money. So my fingers are badly burned.

Therefore I just don't know what to say when this new guy starts to talk about his situation. My heart says - help him, let him stay with you - you can both help each other. My health has been poor, I've struggled with childcare, have no family support and friends who just spk on the phone. My heart says, we can help each other - this is the exact relationship I've been searching for all my life.
My head says "you must be joking, not this sh#t all over again"

Any thoughts? Can it work?
Thanks in advance

Don't move too fast too soon. You're rushing everything in your head. You've known him only two months!! So carry on dating and let him stand on his own two feet financially. No loans, no "treats" and no moving in.

In your position i would be protecting my finances and safeguarding them for my children- not allowing myself to become financially vulnerable to a virtual stranger.

'Got to find a way to express my message assertively / politely that he's got to sort out his life himself. Think I'll use some of the comments on here eg '

No, YOU DON'T! This is who he is. It's not your place or your job to get him to sort his life out, it's his, he's an adult. And seriously, give yourself a hard shake! You were considering moving in a man you met on an online dating site and have seen only a few times, pretty much a stranger, into your home with your kids! That's actually frightening. On top of his being a complete cocklodger.

It's not your job to speculate why he doesn't get work, sort out his life, get another place to live, have money or anything else.

It's your job to keep yourself and your children safe.

Walk away from this guy. He's targeting people like you as a means to live for free.

Do the Freedom Programme because you need some serious boundaries before dating again.

This guy's a wrong 'un.

My friends DPs is an elecrtician and has a helper / lacky guy who gets sent with him on projects. Friends DP books hotel (company pays them allowsnce).but lacky bloke just goes to the pub wherever they Are, chats up some random woman, gives her all the patter and ends up.living with her for the time of the project and just spends the hotel allowance! He brags he can tell the type of pub where he can meet a certain type of woman who will be daft enough to do this. The last one had a teenage son and he literally moved in on the first night for 2 months. Not saying this is the case with you OP (ie a bit daft) but there Are men out there who are happy to move in for pure convenience and free digs.

I think everything's pretty much been said. You're a rescuer and he looked like a new project, so please don't ditch him only to find another new project. If you need childcare get childcare not a cock lodger.

Saltandvinegar are women really that stupid and desperate. I believe you though.

Stirling,
TBH - I would give this weekend's meeting up a miss.
Don't give any advice- he needs to sort himself out , maybe meet up again after he has new accomodation if you still want to. Increasingly I am coming round to thinking that he gets work from Gumtree because he is not getting recommendations or repeat business for a reason- he isn't much good as his job. As pp said try the freedom programme, don't know anything about it, but it gets a good press on here. Keep him away from your home and your children!

Yes, sound advice. So appreciated.

Looked up freedom project, my nearest one is Croydon so I'll try to work out the logistics soon after I complete the Moving Forward course by Solace Women's Aid. I've looked at the course outlines - there are some similarities but freedom one looks more in depth...

Please get shut of this guy. This is a dead end relationship and I'd bet money he targets people like you. Besides, don't you find his conversations about his crap finances and living arrangements a total bore? 2 months in, you only see each other at weekends, it should be all fun just now.

Banana - fraid so. If it has been lacky guy telling me I'd have thought "yeah right" but friends DO is (boringly) straight down the middle and absolutely would not lie. In fact he's mortified as the guy is with him and doesn't know I know. Sad thing Is, I can kind of see where he's coming from - or maybe been watching too much Jeremy vile 😂

Friends DP

I can bit believe anyone would even consider letting a man move in after 8 weeks, when they have kids! I live and learn!

I couldn't get a carpenter for love nor money to put a gate up for me they are like hens teeth around here.

I would run a mile from someone who can't get his shit together at 57. Just my opinion

If all the people on here who have said they've found it difficult to find a carpenter employed this bloke, he'd be busy for months!

But yes, echoing everyone else - extreme caution, if not actual running for the hills, is definitely your best bet, OP.

Sounds like a scrounger. Hint at being poor and see if he runs.

Sorry but don't move him in.

Please read Women who love too much (if not already mentioned) - I recognise your thought patterns from that book.

Nope nope nope

Hes talking about how hes worried that women want/need financial security to make you say/prove that youre not that kinda gal

Honey it is NOT SHALLOW to not want a cock lodger

This is not his ex wifes fault either

Love is NOT enough, you gotta eat/pay bills too!

There are some loud warning bells here OP.

Don't move him in .Don't help him. In fact start making out money's a bit tight for you as Ex is not paying for the DC or something. See how he reacts.

Incidentally OP who pays when he comes to visit?

Why did he get divorced ??

Why did he come out with nothing ??

I ask these questions as my ex is singing the same sorry tale and has gone from having a lovely family, a beautiful home, respect from most people he knew.

He lives in a one bed rented flat and has spent every penny he got from inheritance and sale of family home trying to impress the women he left me for.
He has nothing left now.
No family only my son he sees 2x a week and a girlfriend who he sees once a fortnight and travels 200 miles to see.

I think when someone his age group is in the position he is something more lurks in the past choices he made.

My point is usually when they say they have lost everything in the divorce its because they have willingly walked away for what they thought was a better life with a new women and its not worked out.

Just be careful and protect yourself and your hard earned security.

All the best OP x

Yes, I'dalso be interested in hearing why his marriage broke up - and why, as a result, he has nothing. Are there children? If so, does he ever see them?

What sounds warning bells the loudest for me is your unrealistic description of him and your ex. This bloke is very unlikely to be 'the most incredible man' - he's much more likely to be a normal, flawed human being with annoying habits just like everyone else.

Do you usually idealise men before you even get to know them? You've only known him for 8 weeks and you're alternating thinking that he's 'incredible' (nobody can live up to that) with thinking he's out to take advantage of you.

Similarly, the man who 'loved you intensely' when he saw you once a fortnight between 'disappearing acts' was more likely to have been dropping in for an occasional shag.

Slow things way, way down, stop expecting him to be perfect, and draw (and maintain) some boundaries so that you're not taken advantage of.

I can't add to the excellent advice you've had here OP - and you've come to the conclusions yourself that are in your best interests.

You do not need to have him living with you. If you need to 'help' then send him a website link of properties in the area and leave him to it. He has work opportunities and the rest is up to him.

Oh Gosh, had no idea this was still running...

...thank you for the continued support and advice. I actually had a v frank conversation with him and told him that I felt uncomfortable discussing his financial situation and expressed that I'm in my own financial difficulty - the truth, but that I get on with it myself . He was very apologetic and was very reassuring about the fact that he had no expectations of me.

His marriage fell apart because he had a breakdown of sorts, lost his business and apparently the house was hers/her parents. He left Germany and moved to Britain. His son followed him and chose to live here near his dad. Son v successful and 30.

Mostpeople, your post made me reflect - in a very sad way, it was actually a true summary of what I've been doing.
It was worth hearing it.
I read women who love too much 25 years ago. See if I can dig it out.

Thanks again all.

How long ago was his divorce?

Whats he been doing to improve his life since?

Most marraiges will weather a breakdown and a business failure, sounds like hes just one of those people who never takes any accountability for how their lives turned out, like everythinh just "happens" to them: "and then this happens cause reasons, then that happended because of someone else". Its never "and then I decided to.." or "I tried it but it wasnt for me" or "I messed up so I did X to fix it"

Well done you for being upfront and tackling it!

Interesting that the story he gave you before was about losing everything in the divorce, but now it turns out it was her parents' house and a business failure. I think I said upthread, I've rarely come across a man who really has lost out in divorce.

From your OP, you sounded like you really like him - I hope it works out for you, just keep your eyes open on not giving too much especially financially!