Warning bells or sheer paranoia?

[stirling]

Hello,

Just need someone external perspective on this - my head's going round in circles.

Briefly, separated from ex husband 5 years ago (serial adulterer) , met someone I loved very much in the past couple of years but who was persistently elusive - did the disappearing act regularly but he loved me intensely when we'd see each other (once a fortnight). I always wanted more so kept leaving him, to save myself from pain.

Fast forward to today - met the most incredible man about 2 months ago, it's been wonderful getting to know him. He seems to be the considerate, thoughtful, attentive person I've been searching for all my life. I feel completely relaxed (had numerous relationships in the past with men who were always playing the field) with him and don't incessantly worry about the whole game playing ordeal. He's keen to meet my children (I've said not yet) and takes a huge interest in me.

Problem: he's struggling financially. Severely. He's a carpenter by trade and is nearly 57. Apparently he's not got anything in terms of house /savings because of his divorce where he left with nothing. Looks like he's never considered saving till now. He gets work daily through Gumtree but it's apparently insignificant.
He talks a lot about this, he sounds worried particularly in light of the fact that we've met and are falling in love. He says he understands women require financial stability in life etc and he has nothing to offer ...he lives in another city but travels up to London to see me every week. Apparently, the room he's renting becomes unavailable soon.

I'm just managing ok ish on my own. Got house and savings I haven't told him about. Been through my own divorce hell this year with an ex husband whom I married when he was financially bankrupt and pretty much in the gutter. I built up my ex husband, trained him, got him a great job, he's on a high wage now but even so he fought me ruthlessly for money. So my fingers are badly burned.

Therefore I just don't know what to say when this new guy starts to talk about his situation. My heart says - help him, let him stay with you - you can both help each other. My health has been poor, I've struggled with childcare, have no family support and friends who just spk on the phone. My heart says, we can help each other - this is the exact relationship I've been searching for all my life.
My head says "you must be joking, not this sh#t all over again"

Any thoughts? Can it work?
Thanks in advance

Follow your head. Listen to the bells.
Its far too soon and he sees an opportunity to solve his housing problem. How did you meet him by the way?
As others have said, decent carpenters are like gold dust. Even if he can't work on a building site, people need jobs such as wardrobes, replacing doors /skirting boards doing so I am not sure that an experienced, qualified 57 year old carpenter would stuggle for work. certainly not in easy travelling distance in London. Why is he only looking on Gumtree? There appear to be agencies for building trades.
If you don't watch it , he will be doing your childcare, while you work to keep him.....

Getting jobs off gumtree?? My husband is a builder, without an actual trade like carpentry. We live in Brighton and he has so much work he's turning down jobs! A skilled tradesman can pick and choose jobs, none have to be heavy labour. One of my friends is a 62 year old carpenter and still turns down jobs! Sounds like either he is angling for cocklodger position or has fucked off everyone he has worked for and can't get work. Both huge red flags. He should be trying to impress you at this early stage, not doing a poor me.

Thanks again everyone. Really worth it to read all the replies.

Such a valid point re him doing my childcare while I keep him. Very true.

Daisy I stupidly met him on POF while I was on it for about 2 weeks. Met a couple of others who were creepy, then stumbled across a documentary about POF murders and quickly signed myself off. Not before I'd given him my email address though.

Its sad because he's so thoughtful. I'm now suspicious that there's an agenda behind the thoughtfulness.

And v suspect about work given what everyone says. He keeps harping on about being a 'craftsman' - he trained in Europe.
He does carpentry work to get by. I'm all confused. Don't know what he is anymore!

I work in construction, our industry is crying out for reliable joiners so if he's a carpenter by trade he shouldn't have issues getting a job. We've had joiners on the same job in Manchester for 9 months. I wouldn't buy it OP, tread very carefully

Don't do it. I was in a similar position and it's the wrong reason to decide to live together

facebook accounts take 14 days to delete/disappear. It could be that they messaged you and then blocked you which is why you can’t see them

sorry wrong post!!!

Ant Be with a tear such as carpenters, builders, plumbers etc are in high demand as there just aren’t the skilled people there once was.

If you like the guy then continue to date him, but I’d not be making any major decisions about the relationship. I certainly wouldn’t want him looking after the dc, you’ve not known him long enough.

Hi there, you’ve already had so much good advice but I wanted to also say be very careful;
It doesn’t matter what he does or doesn’t have if he’s genuine and makes you happy, money isn’t the most important factor in love, HOWEVER....you haven’t known him long enough to know what he’s really about and a really good test of that would be to see how he behaves when you don’t immediately offer him a place to stay or financial support.
You sound like a really kind hearted person and that could potentially make you vulnerable to the same type of bad man!
He may not have money and may have been hit with bad luck, but he needs a positive outlook, determination and drive to sort things for himself just like you’ve had to do, it’s great that he’s being honest about his circumstances, but he should probably be reassuring you that despite his situation this is what he’s doing/going to do (if that makes sense) and not making excuses and almost painting a picture ‘hint hint’ which is kind of how it reads to me; protect yourself, any man that truly loves you will admire your independence & assertiveness.

Different area, but joiner ex BF could work every day of the week. Not for a fortune, but for enough - no shortage of work and he's word of mouth / regulars only. Doesn't even have a sign on his van.

So what if his room is unavailable soon? Finding a room to rent is easy enough.

I'm a bit at the losing everything in the divorce comment. You know, I've never come across a man who has lost everything. I don't dispute that it will have happened to some. But I've really never seen it or much heard of it anecdotally on here.

^ I don't mean that to mean he is lying and does have money. More that if he's short not it's more likely because of how he chooses to work, not a result of divorce.

I too think you need to be careful. It is very early days. Don't suggest he moved in, he hasn't met your children yet even. If he moves in he will have no motivation to try to improve his situation. He may well be completely genuine but you need to take more time to find that out.

I couldn’t read and not reply. Please listen to your head. Please.
Keep seeing him if you want, but do not under any circumstances have him move in with you, even temporarily. Please just don’t.

Run.

My heart says - help him, let him stay with you

^

You're NOT a charity, OP.

Also, proceed carefully with regards to him wanting to meet your kids.

Fgs, is he the best you think you deserve?? Just dump him.

If he's 57 and you still need childcare is he a lot older than you?
It's madness to even entertain moving a virtual stranger into your home with your children.

I know a lot of carpenters and have waited significant amount of time for some decent jobs here because all the ones I know are too busy.
I met and fell in love with a bloke in very similar financial and housing situation.
I was biding my time and observing how he managed financially as he was in huge debt, apparently due to his divorce and subsequent redundancy. He was lodging and my plan was to move him in with me eventually (I have no family, small kids, working plus Health problems).
I’m desperate for someone to share the burden with me.
This guy had a good job but his ack of cash and his unstable housing rang some alarm bells and he was quite defensive.
It transpired he had a coke habit. I ended it as soon as I found out.
Since our relationship ended his health has deteriorated, he got sacked from his job and is now homeless and about to move back in to his Mum’s.
Thank goodness I did listen to my head and not my heart because my heart would have had him living in my home , I’d have ended up supporting him and no doubt would have had real problems getting him out again.
Please keep your eyes and ears open and keep him at arm’s length until you feel he has become sufficiently stable and solvent.
It’s a lot harder to extricate yourself once you become emotionally embroiled so be careful for now and please don’t offer to house him if his place goes tits up.

Jellyhead - your experience is really shocking. You'd never have guessed.

Thanks to everyone again. I'm so glad that I've posted this thread because I needed the clarity that was fogged over due to love hormones/rubbish year/ desperation in seeking a loving partner etc.
Yes he is older than me - 10 years.
Gets worse doesn't it?

I'm definitely not going to move him in, nor suggest it/ any other offer of help in terms of finances. Supposed to be seeing him this weekend and really feeling too wary about it all.

Got to find a way to express my message assertively / politely that he's got to sort out his life himself. Think I'll use some of the comments on here eg ELT:

but he needs a positive outlook, determination and drive to sort things for himself just like you’ve had to do

And yes, I need to go on a course. I'm currently on a "moving forward" course through Women's Aid after ex's abuse.

I seem to be a magnet for problematic men.

Thanks again all.

OP, I think you're being incredibly strong and brave right now and you've already made the best decision for you and your children.

I think before you even meet anyone you should have a minimum timeframe for them meeting your kids. I'd say at least 12 months. Make it a hard rule and no matter how nice they seem you'll protect them and you'll find out.

MIL says most men close to retirement age are looking for a nurse or a purse. Sounds like he's the latter.

please lease be careful. I did exactly this fell in love with a man ho had NO money, no home, 'an artist' who ended up living with me for 5 years not earning, eating my food, me always paying for two. I have just extended my mortgage by £75K to clear the debt I ended up with. Just don't do it.

Iwasjustaboutto- that expression made me laugh - most men close to retirement age are looking for a nurse or purse!
Lilybetsy, that's just horrendous.

Thanks again.

I wonder why he is living in one room and also wonder why the room will become unavailable. It sounds to me as though he is not paying his rent. I think if someone is 57 and living in a room and answering ads for jobs he will have a massive interest in improving his situation by finding someone who can help him. I hate to sound cynical as I am sure he does like you, but I don't think he will bring you happiness.

I wonder why he’s not getting a tonne of work through recommendations.