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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

30 is the new midlife crisis - what the hell is going on???

50 replies

Uetli · 18/04/2007 22:00

reading various threads over the last few days (well, lurking really) and I'm struck with how many people are finding their DH has some kind of crisis in the run up to 30. What's going on? The same happened to me last year, been married since early 20s and suddenly he questionned everything....It's only now, following several months apart, Relate, a hell of a lot of talking and a move abroad, that I can say we are back on track.

The only explanation I could find (and I am a girl who turns to the self-help section of Waterstones when things get tough... ) was in a John Gray book (Mars and Venus guy) where he talks about life stages and that between 21-28 is the time where you find out who you really are - if you get married / have kids during that time then you may miss out on doing that and then when you reach the end of your twenties you start to question what you really want.

What do you think?

And big hugs to all those going through it, was truly the worst year of my life xxx

OP posts:
pirategirl · 19/04/2007 00:10

i have also found more and more info regarding this, after my dh left. We were divorced after 7 yrs of marriage, and our child was 2 when he left.

I think there is huge pressure from all angles, and these men just are not in tune with themsleves, maybe they just settled down too soon, or we are now a nation of more unsettled ways.

A case of never really knowing what yu want or what you shoudl be doing.

my ex left and is now in the same boat, having me another woman about 2 months after he left to 'find himself'. she has kiddies, and tbh, i can see the same process happening again, he is such a roamer.

My dad has a lot to say on this subject lol, he thinks men are more gutless and easily swayed these days. From what I hear and read maybe this is true, the old valuse do not adhere to society in general. we are all in a rush, and i think many men do feel they dont know their place/space.

Ungrateful sods.

kama · 19/04/2007 00:17

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kama · 19/04/2007 00:20

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expatinscotland · 19/04/2007 00:22

'I'm struck with how many people are finding their DH has some kind of crisis in the run up to 30. What's going on? '

Short answer: there are a lot of immature, selfish three-year-olds out there trapped in adult bodies.

TheDuchessOfNorksBride · 19/04/2007 00:33

Married my DH when he was 29. Do I get a prize? (Especially as I was older)

adozenroses · 19/04/2007 10:46

I married my dh as he was turning 30, so everything was great, and he doesn't look like he is heading towards any midlife crisis.

But I am turning 30 this year and have been questioning every part of my life up to now - including my dh!! I have pretty much fallen apart as a person, and I personally think it's solely down to turning 30! Isn't that ridiculous

TheDuchessOfNorksBride · 19/04/2007 11:02

Nevermind adozenroses, you'll be 40 before you know it

Lizzer · 19/04/2007 11:15

I have a lot to say on this subject Uetli! It happens to women too, you're not the only one adozenroses! I had a complete meltdown in the 2 years running up t 30, I went bonkers! Went out a lot, got with unsuitable (but farking gorgeous!) younger guys. Drank and partied a lot. (dd safe from all this at grandma's thankfully) Had a devil may care attitude and when the love of my life (ie dp) wanted to get back together I ummed and ahhed and didn't know if I wanted 'the package' or not, even though he was younger and completely ready for it, I wanted to have fun....

Then I broke down, realised it was him i wanted and we've been blissfully happy for a year now, with his first baby on the way. However this is what's scaring me, he's turning 30 this year and I keep joking about his impending meltdown. It s been the most life changin year for him, his dad died in Jan, we get married, buy a house and have a baby! DANGER DANGER! He's such a sweet guy though and assures me he won't go into crisis mode...here's hoping

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 19/04/2007 11:19

They still happen to men at 40ish too....

I started a thread about male MLCs a while ago and a lot of people said they thought the concept was rubbish and that some people.. not nec. male.. are just selfish. I can see that view.. but MLCs DO happen...

sniff · 19/04/2007 11:21

I felt dreadful in the run up to 30 and still feel a bit off now

I feel old!!!! and want to do something usefull

but I finally am realising that losing youth doesnt mean losing your life

I know this sounds melodramatic but I really thought that I was an adult when I reached thirty and everyone would see me as being perfectly capable of getting every thing right

I just read this back it sounds really odd !! but its how I felt

Dinosaur · 19/04/2007 11:23

I wasn't mature enough for marriage or children while I was in my late twenties myself, so I could hardly criticise other people on the same grounds.

FioFio · 19/04/2007 11:24

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ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 19/04/2007 11:26

Me too sniff.. I had this image of myself as a thirty-something, and in it I was not necessarily well off financially, but I certainly had everything else altogether.. knew who I was, was happy, settled, in control. That couldn't be further from the truth. I am not altogether unhappy.. but there is too much potential unhappiness all the time.. which translates to stress I suppose.

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 19/04/2007 11:27

No Fio. You can't. Just not an option for you and I; trust me

custy · 19/04/2007 11:29

my dh fucked things up at 35.

i am having mid life crisis now - i am 34. i think mine was brought on becuase of DH's relationship ineptitude.

i have been seriously contemplating splitting my life working up north and visiting dh and children fri to mon

its clearly not workable - but i long for 'me' ( she says in a complete fuckwited self obsessed only child way)

FioFio · 19/04/2007 11:29

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FioFio · 19/04/2007 11:30

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ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 19/04/2007 11:31

I know Fio.

What did yours do Custy? (If you don't mind me asking.. feel free to tell me to mind my own )

Dinosaur · 19/04/2007 11:32

Shiny, Fio, Custy - .

custy · 19/04/2007 11:48

he became addicted to an online RP game - a whole world - rather like mumsnet where he made friends and talked on MSN to people from allover the world.

the tropuble with all over the world is ..the time difference.

so he would get up at 4.30 5am play the game until he went to work - and there was a period of time where one contract was ending that he didnt have to go to work - so he played all day.

then he played all night.

no time for me or the kids who are teenangers - we all acted like we were three trying to get his attention.

this carried on for 2 years - iposted on here about it. years of getting 3 ,4, or if your lucky 5 hours sleep means that you are irritable.

it wasnt a hobby it was an obsession.

and i've never written this next bit on here in my own name before.

we went out - we usually do about 2 times a month if e are lucky. in december.

i didn't drink much becuase i had been out on a previous night and i cant do two nights in a row.

we came back and had an almighty argument - which ended up with him strangling me on the setee.

we talked about it the next day - he couldnt remember. there wsa no big apology and he didn't even try to amend his behaviour by way of an apology.

we went out the next week same thing happened - we had a row and then he pulled me round the house by my hair and told me repeatedly it was his house and i was to get out.

the only thing that stopped him was that i said to him as he was dragging me by my hair - that my son and his girlfriend was upstairs and if girlfirends dad finds ut whats been going on ith his daughter here he will come down with his mates and rip dh a new arsehole.

that was a satuday. by sunday i was planning to leave - i packed everythng - he came in whilst i was packing and i said i was just putting things away for storage - but we both knew what i was doing.

monday i went to the town council housing dept and told them what went on.

i got a place in a womens refuge. my oldest son who is 17 wasn't alowed to come becuase he was over 16

they wouldnt tell me where it was until absolutley necessary. they told me it was a 2 hour drive away and that i should et the kids from school early or else the staff lock up and go home.

so with my car packed to brim i went to my kids school and took them out of school.

i told them what was happening and i literally right there broke my childrens hearts.

anyway, i am back home, i have the house in my name now. dh has given up the game. dh has been going to anger management for 4 months. we are going to marriage guidence seperatley and together.

happily easter weekend just gone was amazing. i feel a corner has turned, because at the beginning of April things were horrible.

FioFio · 19/04/2007 12:19

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ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 19/04/2007 12:47

Custy that so awful, you have been to hell and back.. you have been amazingly strong, I really admire you. It makes 'my own' male MLC experience very small in comparison (last year was out bad year.. I hope! I never relax fully!)

Online obsessions are a nightmare and men seem to be very succeptable to them it seems.

I hope things continue to improve for you and the kids. This is the hardest thing of all isn't it.. the way the selfish behaviour of others ends up affecting the children (whether teenagers or not.. possibly more so them!)

colditz · 19/04/2007 12:52

Jesus Custardo you are so fucking brave. And yes I am licking your arse shamelessly - you fucking deserve it.

Isn't it funny that the things you most need to talk about are the things you can't talk about?

ScummyMummy · 19/04/2007 13:00

custy- you know I love you dearly. Email me or call anytime you fancy finding yourself over a pint or a coffee. Anytime.

batters · 19/04/2007 13:26

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