30 is the new midlife crisis - what the hell is going on???

[Uetli]

reading various threads over the last few days (well, lurking really) and I'm struck with how many people are finding their DH has some kind of crisis in the run up to 30. What's going on? The same happened to me last year, been married since early 20s and suddenly he questionned everything....It's only now, following several months apart, Relate, a hell of a lot of talking and a move abroad, that I can say we are back on track.

The only explanation I could find (and I am a girl who turns to the self-help section of Waterstones when things get tough... ) was in a John Gray book (Mars and Venus guy) where he talks about life stages and that between 21-28 is the time where you find out who you really are - if you get married / have kids during that time then you may miss out on doing that and then when you reach the end of your twenties you start to question what you really want.

What do you think?

And big hugs to all those going through it, was truly the worst year of my life xxx

(And Custy sorry for being so nosy as to ask.. I didn't imagine quite such a horrid experience but am always curious about such things for my own reasons.. . Thank you for sharing. xx)

I had no idea who I was between the ages of 21-28. It's been since having children and getting out of a corporate work mentality that I have any idea of who I am. (I used to define myself by my job...)

Custy you don't know me but I always find your posts some of the wisest and in a funny way the kindest on here. I really hope your relationship continues to improve.

Salutes Custy and others.

I bowed out of previous relationship when the drinking (which was initially just annoying and boring) led to aggression and violence. . His sons were nearly all teenagers and lived with their mum so, although I missed them, I didn't have any ties and I left. I didn't love him enough to do relate & rehab etc. Respect to those who do. It is gruelling - but worth it.

Fully get the mid life crisis idea and I know it happens to many. I can see the medical reasons behind it and the link with depression etc.

But in some ways I feel that it's an excuse for someone to sleep around, spend money they haven't got, break up a family and ruin people's lives...

All because of what?? Life got too hard? The responsibilities of marriage and children were too much? Job stress gets to them?

What a load of shit.

I hate my job. I have money worries, immense family issues and family pressures, and a husband who's sleeping around because he needs 'space'. I don't think fuc* it all, I'm going to be a selfish twunt for the next few years and disregard all those around me. I don't walk off and leave my son. I don't bury my head and make excuses. I pick up the pieces and deal with each issue one by one. As people do when they're a responsible adult and a parent.

Reading what people like custy have been through makes me so and . The inner strength of some of the women on here is amazing.

Perhaps if these people having these mid life crisis moments had just one ounce of that strength and compassion, and the ability to live with their choices and face up to reality, they'd stop making excuses and grow up.

Sorry for the rant. Just not a good day today

No some people don't grow up do they

that's because they don't want to though isn't it. they are cowards. if they're medically ill there is help available. AD's, counselling, therapy...

But some people would rather lay the blame on everything and everyone but themselves, and kid themselves that it couldn't be helped because it was a 'mid life crisis'. Rubbish.

Interesting thread. I'm 30 this year and I think I have had a bit of a mini-crisis in some ways, lots of emotional upheaval, breaking out of old bad patterns etc. I was thinking yesterday about when I got married, and when I went through the hellish 6 months in a wheechair/6 weeks in hospital/horror thing of having ds1, and the thing that struck me most was what a child I was then. So different from now. In fact over the past year or so I have become more and more aware of a sort of creeping "settled" feeling, more content, less neurotic. I have stopped staying up into the small hours panicking and picking over every word and nuance of conversations/encounters I've had during the day. I've stopped feeling worthless and revolting by default. I don't wake up with black thoughts and dreading the day, I don't even stay up ridiculously late to avoid the next day coming, which I'd done for years. I'm happy. Most of the time. I even have a few friends . It's hard to explain, but I do feel as though a new sort of personal authority/authenticity has descended on me somehow and turned me into a proper adult.

In my case though, it could just be the anti-depressants . I am completely sure that I have been clinically depressed and anxious since the age of about 5.

Agree that we do have choice over the outcome of a mid life crisis. My dp had his when he was thirty and as MLS said despite having to put up with lots of things can i use this as an excuse for me to become a selfish, opt out of the life i have scenario then lay the blame on a mid life crisis.

i totally understand the approaching 30 thing, i am nearly 28 and have 2 kids, i have just left my dh as i feel i am too young to be trapped in a meaningless relationship.
ive booked a holiday abroad with my girlie mates (no kids)to go and party like when i was 18. i feel panicky as i have no proper career in place and i just get this feeling of urgency....like time is running out and i have to meet all the gorgeous men i can and organise some amazing career...all in the space of 2yrs, before im 30..
i do feel panicky about time/age and i feel sorry for my kids who dont understand that i feel i was maybe too young to have had them..

goodnanny nobody should stay trapped in a meaningless relationship. it doesn't matter what age you are. why is that age related??

I can't pretend to understand this urgency and this 'before 30' thing. Would it matter if your career was sorted at 31? If you met the love of your life at 32? I doubt it!

As for enjoying yourself, girls holidays, experiencing life - well of course you should be able to do all of that. But not forgetting that you made the decision to have children, and now you need to remember that as well as a responsibility to yourself, you have a very important responsibility to these young lives you are shaping.

i just think your 30's /40's are a time when you start thinking more seriously about your life and if you are happy with it.

you get to a point when you realise you are not immortal and do you want to carry on with how things are for the next however many years

some people are happy, and keep the same routine, some panic and make desperate attempts to regain their lost youth, some make the painful acknowledgement that they are indeed unhappy, and have to do something about it in order to cope

I found my 20s really difficult. Careerwise it was very confusing - I didn't really know what I wanted, I spent most of it drinking too much and spending too much and just being completely hedonistic. Although this was really fun I also remember worrying about my life was going and being confused/unsettled about jobs etc.

Custy, I'm really sorry to hear about your awful time. I remember the last time I saw you thinking you looked really unhappy - I'm so sorry I didn't say anything. If you need to get away ever (for whatever reason, even if just to get a drink/get me time) please contact me. (I only have email contact at work atm, but dhw has my mobile no).

Custy I can't believe you were in the middle of this last time I saw you.I can't tell you how much I admire your strength and attitude.I hope he has learned a big lesson because you deserve better alot better imo.I am not far up the road if you ever need to get away with or without your kids Don't hesitate for a minute xxx

Custy

I hope things have turned a corner for you now xx

I had my 'What am I doing here' moment when I was 29 - I split up with the bloke I was about to marry 6 weeks before our wedding. We had been together since 18/19 - met at Uni and had been happily plodding along for ages.
It was the worst time in my life, and I cannot face thinking about the details even now.
I spent the following 4 years on a mad rampage before I finally met DH. I was so lonely and sad for most of that time, even though on the face of it I was having a ball.

Anyone heard of Saturn Return? Something to do with astrology and life cycle changes every 7 years.

Anyone ever heard of saturns return?
When you turn 28 the planet saturn comes back into the exact position it was in when you were born. And between thew ages of 28-31 there is often huge upheaval/ change/ crisis etc in peoples lives.

it's a very common thing to go through a crisis between 28-30. Probably to do with all sorts of factors such as a realisation that you aren't getting any younger and unless you grasp the moment life will pass you by.

I am 28 and EVERYTHING in my life is in change and everyone else i know who is between 28-31 is doing some serious soul searching about the direction their lives are taking.

oh [sad custy, I don't know what to say. Look forward to May and June?

I think there is mid life crisis thingy but like everything else we are all happy to bury our heads in the sand and get on with our own lives because we cant believe anyone else feels like this. Thats why sites like this are such a help.
Society puts so much pressure on us and sometimes we need to step off the treadmill and really evaluate what life is about. It is understandable though as we 'have' to work hard to make money to provide what we think we need. We are all too hung up on whether we are doing the 'right' thing for our children ect.
There is help out there but we are too busy to know we need it or realise too late.
My grandma told me that when she was young it was 'accepted' that the men would go to the pub for a pint on a friday and that they needed it (male therapy prehaps). So in a way i do feel sorry for men as there is so much pressure on them today.

However i did question my life at about 40 - i couldnt just walk away ect as i had children - i put it down to realising that i would/could not have any more children and it was quite scary to think - so what is life about then, the only thing we leave behind us are our children.

My h too has just had his with similar results to others on here. He has been very lucky in that his work has supported him and he has been able to take some time off work to get his life back on track. When he returns he will be a far better person.

Everyone needs to support this family, work, society generally.

Anyway that seems a bit long but hope you get the gist of it

My DH had one when he was in his early 30's... took the usual form going out lots, expensive car, other women.

It's like it's a fight against the transition from being a footloose and fancy free youngster to being a 'proper' grown up.

I am in my mid 30's, I haven't had a midlife crisis!! But then again, I am happy with my self and am embracing old-git-ness with both arms.

I think it depends on the person you are more than age. We didn't get married until we were both 30, but now my dh (nearly 40) is questioning his life - not to the extent he has left yet, but nearly.
We nearly split up a few months ago but are trying to work to sort things out. He is just generally unhappy with his life, and feels like he is missing out - on what I still have not worked out!

The mid-life crisis is definitely a real thing and can happen at any age from about 27 to 50. How it manifests itself depends on the person. But then I got into trouble last time I spoke about that on here.