Dealing with partner's parents

[Mystery35]

I am really struggle with how to move forward from this and wanted to get some advice. I am 35 years old and 3.5 months pregnant. My partner and I are both going to be first time parents. My partner and I are both atheist but he grew up in a very conservative Catholic home while I grew up with two very progressive parents, Jewish (white, German) and Catholic (Caribbean and French), who were didn't seem to care that I was declaring atheist and stop going with them to organized religious activities at the age of 10. So anyway my partner told his parents about the pregnancy last week about a week prior to us visiting. They expressed a number of concerns and asked if we were planning to get married. Neither of us feel the need to involve the government in our personal/relationship matters and don't feel the need to get married and so he told them no. We went to visit, spent about 4 days with them- they were nice and cordial during the visit, no real issues or discussion, they didn't even really acknowledge that I was expecting. On the ride home my partner tells me that he and his father had a discussion while they were out during yard work and that his dad said, "This is really hard on us. Have you two thought of all of your options. You could get married. You could give the baby up for adoption." When my partner told me about the adoption comment I took deep personal offense to his parents having the audacity to actually suggest that a 35 year old PhD woman, making a six figured income, put her child up for adoption because the paternal grandparents are worried about their reputation for having a mixed race bastard child. He (my partner) came to their defense saying that I have to understand that they are very traditional and conservative and they weren't sure if I was prepared to raise a child, which frankly doesn't hold water with me. His parents are very much aware of my profession, my financial situation, my earning potential and so I find it deeply disturbing that they would actually suggest that I carry a baby in my body for 9 months and then hand it over to a stranger. I have not been able to move past this though and part of me feels bad but the other part has serious concerns about allow these people to be a part of my child's life. My mom died from cancer when I was 11 yo and my dad while I was in college and so they are going to be his only grandparents but I am having serious reservations about letting them interact with my child. These are the same people who didn't find it hard to have a white daughter in law (my partner married young and divorced after 3 years or so) who was a meth addict, sleeping with her drug dealer and other men while she was married to their son and yet have the nerve to be concerned about their reputation of having a mixed raced "bastard" grandchild. I am just trying to figure out how to move forward from this when I have nothing but negative thoughts and rage about their audacity. Am I being unreasonable or taking this too personal?

First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy! Sorry your new extended family appear to be idiots...as you can see from the thread, almost everyone is horrified by their behavior.

It sounds like this happened very recently. Remember you have many months before the baby is even born, so don't have to make any decisions about a future relationship with them for a long time yet.

YANBU to know that what they said is unacceptable. At least they had the sense not to say it to you, and would probably not have expected your partner to repeat it. It's unfortunately not uncommon to have people in extended families whose values are very different from our own, and from those we love. It's not easy...one of the plusses of marriage is that you find out before making a commitment!

Given that they spoke to your partner and not directly to you, I really hope that there has been some misunderstanding. As a Catholic (lite version...but spent time around those who are more serious traditional about it) the marriage issue is probably what they're worried about, and although it's batshit crazy- old fashioned, it's at least understandable if they're very religious. The comments to your husband might have been intended to scare him into marriage. Remember though, that's their problem and not yours....and at least you don't have to worry about the baptism conversation :)

Did they say that they are concerned about having a mixed race grandchild? Did they make any comments about finances? Those things may not have entered their heads, so hopefully their position is driven only by religious zealotry and not by racism or not liking you...they may be pushing their son to try to marry you, in a "ends justify the means" way.

Given that you have time before needing to decide what to do about them, just give them a wide berth. You have lots of options available to you, ranging from no contact, seeing them once a year, or full on involvement. If anything, I've seen parents in law become more reasonable after the baby is born, because they know mama is the gatekeeper.

Hard as it might be, try to focus on your child and your relationship with your partner, as that's what counts.

This post ended up being quite long...I've got crazy extended family and mixed race children, and so empathize a lot with your situation.