Dealing with partner's parents

[Mystery35]

I am really struggle with how to move forward from this and wanted to get some advice. I am 35 years old and 3.5 months pregnant. My partner and I are both going to be first time parents. My partner and I are both atheist but he grew up in a very conservative Catholic home while I grew up with two very progressive parents, Jewish (white, German) and Catholic (Caribbean and French), who were didn't seem to care that I was declaring atheist and stop going with them to organized religious activities at the age of 10. So anyway my partner told his parents about the pregnancy last week about a week prior to us visiting. They expressed a number of concerns and asked if we were planning to get married. Neither of us feel the need to involve the government in our personal/relationship matters and don't feel the need to get married and so he told them no. We went to visit, spent about 4 days with them- they were nice and cordial during the visit, no real issues or discussion, they didn't even really acknowledge that I was expecting. On the ride home my partner tells me that he and his father had a discussion while they were out during yard work and that his dad said, "This is really hard on us. Have you two thought of all of your options. You could get married. You could give the baby up for adoption." When my partner told me about the adoption comment I took deep personal offense to his parents having the audacity to actually suggest that a 35 year old PhD woman, making a six figured income, put her child up for adoption because the paternal grandparents are worried about their reputation for having a mixed race bastard child. He (my partner) came to their defense saying that I have to understand that they are very traditional and conservative and they weren't sure if I was prepared to raise a child, which frankly doesn't hold water with me. His parents are very much aware of my profession, my financial situation, my earning potential and so I find it deeply disturbing that they would actually suggest that I carry a baby in my body for 9 months and then hand it over to a stranger. I have not been able to move past this though and part of me feels bad but the other part has serious concerns about allow these people to be a part of my child's life. My mom died from cancer when I was 11 yo and my dad while I was in college and so they are going to be his only grandparents but I am having serious reservations about letting them interact with my child. These are the same people who didn't find it hard to have a white daughter in law (my partner married young and divorced after 3 years or so) who was a meth addict, sleeping with her drug dealer and other men while she was married to their son and yet have the nerve to be concerned about their reputation of having a mixed raced "bastard" grandchild. I am just trying to figure out how to move forward from this when I have nothing but negative thoughts and rage about their audacity. Am I being unreasonable or taking this too personal?

KarenW I would hardly call giving clarifying statements "bragging". I am simply stating facts. None of my post had anything to do with finances and everything to do with trying to get advice on how to deal with parents not trying to garner any damn sympathy. In fact, you were the first one in this post to bring finances into the conversation. Excuse the hell out of me for spending 16yrs in school, working hard to earn a PhD and getting a well paying job. Excuse the hell out of me for losing both my parents who also worked hard and left me with an inheritance. Quite frankly your last two post are out of line.

You are not being unreasonable. I can't believe they would suggest adoption to a 35 year old woman who clearly planned for and wants a baby. Madness! Personally I'd find it very difficult to move forward from this and allow them to have a relationship with my child, if you can you are a better person than I am.

I had a similar-ish, although not as bad reaction from my mother in law. When my now husband told her we were expecting our first child (aged 32) much wanted and planned, her reaction was I quote "it won't have a very good start in life, how did this happen?". I listened to this from another room in shock. She's Catholic, we weren't married and being together nearly 10 years doesn't count you see . I've never got over what she said and have ended up nc most this year, not just over this granted. She ended up writing to me to tell me I was cruel for denying her grand daughter a relationship with her, you know the granddaughter with the terrible start in life .

Well actually on $100k he could easily support a child in childcare. As soon as your child is 3 rates drop dramatically.

You obviously haven't spoken to a lawyer. That is your choice but I would be making darn sure you and your DC are covered legally speaking. I'd also check how you would feel if you were the lower income earner. Take a step back and think about how a man would be thought of if he didn't want to marry to avoid paying out an ex.

As a "bastard child" and, yes I was called that until I was about 21, by more than one family member, I would tell them to fuck off. Permanently.

I fail to see why this thread has become about baiting the op re money/marriage?

The OP was clear that his parents have no reason to be concerned about her ability to financially provide for the baby.

This thread is about the op’s IL’s being nasty, bigoted and racist religious nuts who are already trying to get all up in her womb before the baby is even born.

And her ‘D’P’s less than great response to both them and the op...

The op doesn't want to get married. There seems to be no concern about her being abandoned financially. Her dp is hardly a pauper even in an expensive state, can people focus on the question re the inlaws? Isn't your husband furious OP? That is after all his child too they have suggested giving away. I would jointly write them a letter saying we love and welcome this child. Knowing that despite being Christians you would recommend we give this child, my child and your grandchild up for adoption is horrifying. I don't know when we will next be in touch. Our focus right now is having this wanted baby and making sure it is cared for and loved, and you are by your own words not a part of that at all. We have to protect our child.

The OP didn't come here for advice on her financial situation (which seems secure), she is asking for some thoughts on her PIL's unpleasant comments and outdated views, not sure why everyone's weighing in with advice on wills and child maintenance?

The reason for talking about wills and maintenance is because if the relationship breaks down they will become huge issues for the OP. I live in America and have had legal advice on these issues. It's not clear cut.

I do agree that it is sensible to get legal advice, just to be clear where you stand with regard to all issues. It never hurts to be fully informed.
Personally, I think it is sensible not to marry a man who doesn't completely and utterly have your back. This situation with his parents has highlighted a potential crack in the relationship that you maybe didn't know existed.
You need to iron this out with him really - the ILs are only a problem if he is not supportive and allows them to become one.
If I were you, I would decline further contact with them, at least for now. If they contact you/behave inappropriately, shut them down at once - you are under no obligation to explain or justify your life choices. I might give them an opportunity to redeem themselves once the baby had arrived and if I was feeling well and strong (physically and emotionally) but any nasty comments and they would be out on their ear.
If you allow contact with your child, you will have to be vigilant that they do not undermine you.
But everything starts with getting your partner to see just how very damaging theor attitude is to you all. He has grown up with them, so possibly doesn't see it anymore and has become desensitized to just how awful they sound.

Yeah, but the thread is not about the maintenance/custody. And the OP is already aware of her position in law

I can take him to court for child support in my state and payments would be automatically deducted from his paycheck. Payments are based on both incomes, cost of health insurance, and cost of child care. He would never be legally off the hook financially

I set up a trust from my inheritance just in case something horrific happens during the child birth or anytime thereafter because he would never be able to financially support a child on his own. I also listed him as a beneficiary on my accounts for those same reasons.

Etc etc...

This is a thread about an OP who is mixed race, with a DP who is being a total wet lettuce (at best) re his bigoted and racist religious parents who have been arses about their pregnancy and lack of marriage plans....

Why is this so hard for some people?

I'm just pointing out that what she is saying isn't correct based on the legal advice I got here in America, in New Jersey, New York and Ohio. In all three states her DP would still be entitled to spousal maintenance if not married and they split up as it would be for loss of earnings due to taking lesser career to support their child. In all three states the child cannot inherit. It has to be managed by an adult and that in itself creates all sort of relationship issues between the father and the child should that happen. The other issue is that the way the Op is wanting to treat her DP is degrading. Reverse the roles and everyone would be saying the man is no good.

His parents are batshit crazy no doubt about it. However getting married quietly wouldn't be the worse thing to happen for the child.

Thanks for the replies.

timeisnotaline- That's the thing about it. My partner didn't seem upset about his dad's comments. In fact, he tried to say that my response (being upset and offended) wasn't helpful. I don't know if it's because he is used to their views but it was a really odd exchange. I mean I understand that questions about marriage and take no exception to them suggestion that we get married. It's what I expected from them, but to then suggest adoption as a choice when I know it's about saving their reputation was crossing the line. My partner couldn't understand why I took such offense to those comments when I knew that his parents were "traditional" and "conservative". The more that I think about that exchange the more disturbed I am about that whole interaction. No one asked their opinion on our options and frankly his dad should have kept that suggestion to himself as it is a highly inappropriate suggestion to make regarding someone else's child.

Want2bsupermum-
My partner has no interest in being married either. Finances and custody are not my concerns. We do not want to nor will we be getting married.

Supermum- What makes you think the op lives in NY, NJ or Ohio?!

Also, do you even know what a trust is?

Mystery - I still think this is more of an issue re your DP than his parents. You need to know that he will protect your DC from them if they try this kind of crap. He’s indicating that he won’t because he thinks ‘Oh this is just what they are like’.

offred When three different states tell you something different to what the OP is saying something doesn't add up. I also know exactly what a living revocable trust is. They are wonderful invention to avoid probate and set up your affairs so your children can access your estate before 18 without court involvement. As I've said before, minors can't inherit. Also even if you have your trust all set up and leave it under an assigned person who isn't the father the legal advice I got from three different lawyers in three different states was all that the father could contest the control of funds and any custody if it's not him. Also that once you are dead he can do as he wishes and his parents could end up as the successors because the father can change it. If you are married he is the automatic successor so you have far more control over your 2nd tier beneficiaries. With a DP who has parents who are coming out with crazy comments I'd want to protect my child from that.

Do you understand that these laws vary dramatically state by state? The us is a federal system.

The op’s said repeatedly that she has put thought into her own particular circumstances and she doesn’t want to marry the issue of marriage is not one she wants to discuss, it is closed and has been decided. She has also said repeatedly that she isn’t looking for advice re money and marriage as she has already thought about that and planned appropriately.

By banging on and on about marriage and money you are infantilising her in the exact same way her DP’s parents did. That is why she’s irritated by it. She’s also already been goaded into giving a breakdown of all her and her partners’ finances and then criticised for it...

This thread is quite weird. The op is free to make her own decisions about how she manages her money and about whether she marries or not.

Actually they don't vary much by state because they are federal laws that come into play.

Well they think very highly if themselves and not much of you or even their own so. Don't they
If I were you I would bro no contact or at the very least extremely low. Intact and I would tell your dp that in no way shape or form do you want hi. To share any utterings of the same about you your relationship and especially your child again

Ignore them and don't thnk about them again

Federal law gives states complete control over how they calculate support as long as rules are applied uniformly across the entire state.

I still don’t understand why you have this bug in your arse about it TBH. The op has said many times that she has already considered the relevant laws in her state why are you obsessing over this particular issue on a thread that is not even about child support/inheritance.

And also that in her state it is based on 50/50 financial support (ergo not NY/NJ/Ohio which are based on income share)...

Support isn't the huge issue. Inheritance is. Also getting sued for loss of earnings is a potential issue that needs to be considered.

I have a bee in my bonet about this because I've had numerous lawyers tell me other than what the OP is saying. She might be better off married. Getting a prenup is an option but they don't hold much water when children are involved. However I'd have a prenup.

No state can be 50/50 support if both parties don't earn or have different earnings. That is absolutely ridiculous. What happens is that higher earning parent pays alimony to lower income parent and lower income parent pays their 50% of the childcare costs.

Whatever way your slice or dice it the end result is the same when the income is different between parents splitting.

your baby is not some mixed raced bastard i am cringing even writing this .but a lovely little person much wanted by his or her mummy is no one else .just ignore stupid people .

If both parents incomes are high, which they are, then it can have a big impact on child support calculations.

You will have been advised on the basis of the particular circumstances you asked for advice on, and advice will have been given on the basis of the relevant state laws.

But it is all irrelvant to the op and her dp who don’t want to be married and are planning their finances around not being married.

Thanks Offred.

I’m not going to respond to anymore post reagrding marriage or finances. I’m not even sure why people continue to harp on these two issues when the post was not about either.