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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband always criticising my hometown

78 replies

Jaded85 · 28/11/2017 03:58

Wierd post alert! So frustrated. I've always know that my DH had a derogatory opinion of my hometown. He made no secret of this before we married but only made a few fleeting comments that I gave no deep thought to. Once we were married I realised that these thoughts were heavily influenced by my mother-in-law. She claimed repeatedly in her generalisations, all people from my hometown were crooks, sharp and cunning. I found these very bizarre comments and again tried my best to ignore them. However over the one and half years we've been married, my husband has gone as far as saying certain member of my family are the way they are because of our hometown. My family are all working professionals who live comfortably in a reputable area. This has started to irk me now, as I find it strange that a highly educated man can make comments like this. I've tried to challenge him and his argument is so weak but he still thinks it's ok to insult members of my family, who have done nothing but be pleasent to him, purely because of where they live. Most recently he said my young teenage niece was sharp and manipulative because of where she lived. She is such a pleasent high achieving young girl. I'm utterly baffled.

OP posts:
HeebieJeebies456 · 28/11/2017 18:07

If I tell him anything about my family, or an issue, it always comes back to them being from bradford. I've got to a point now where I don't even want to tell him anything

This is a classic isolation tactic used by abusers......it's designed to put you down as an individual and undermine/discredit your family/friends - your support network..........

You've already begun to 'fall in line' with his tactic by not wanting to mention your home/family/friends to him.
Soon you will actually stop talking about them in your home to avoid his condescending attitude.
Then you will stop visiting them/inviting them over because he will make sure to ruin the occasion for you.
Any dc you have will also be encouraged/conditioned to do the same, or he will kick up a fuss about them having any contact with dc.

He's choosing to disrespect, insult and offend you......so what are you going to do about him?

AlternativeTentacle · 28/11/2017 18:21

He's from Cleethorpes

Get the fuck outta here!

Giraffey1 · 28/11/2017 18:44

He sounds very disrespectful and inconsiderate of your feelings. What does he say when you pull him up on it? I think the city is immaterial, it’s more about putting you down (indirectly) and wanting superiority over you, as well as belittling your family. It’s really rather unpleasant.

Toprate · 28/11/2017 18:52

Oh so it doesn't count that he's from Cleethorpes Confused because he left when it was 20.

It is insulting, personal and undermining.

Gotta laugh at Cleethorpes though.

Ilovetolurk · 28/11/2017 18:53

I agree with reetgood

Follow every insidious comment with

“Says the man from Cleethorpes” *

Then chuckle at your own wit

*no offence intended to anyone from said town

Offred · 28/11/2017 19:03

I also think the point is about him being better than the op (and Cleethorpes Grin).

He’s great cos despite growing up in Cleethorpes his greatness has transcended his humble beginnings... the OP however hasn’t which is why her being from Bradford is so very fucking important...

What a tit.

Do you currently live in Bradford? If not perhaps you should move back there without him. It’d be a double fuck you.

CoyoteCafe · 28/11/2017 20:24

@HeebieJeebies456 is 100% right when she says, "This is a classic isolation tactic used by abusers......it's designed to put you down as an individual and undermine/discredit your family/friends - your support network..........

You've already begun to 'fall in line' with his tactic by not wanting to mention your home/family/friends to him."

I didn't see it before, but she is right. He is isolating you. Red flag waving wildly.

fizzthecat1 · 28/11/2017 20:27

I think you're being oversensitive. I'm always bantering with DP about him being a Brummy, he says I speak like a farmer (from Gloucestershire). Are you sure you're not being oversensitive.

PeachyCandle · 28/11/2017 20:35

Cleethorpes Grin

There can lighthearted rivalry/give and take between people from different cities, but constant digs and criticism about where you and your family from is extremely unpleasant and really bizarre when you’re married and have a child! What does he say when you explain how irritating and ridiculous it is? Like, would he be critical of personality traits of anyone with a Bradford postcode, or is it within a certain radius of the city centre?

Jaded85 · 28/11/2017 20:36

When challenged he says he left and evolved, created his own destiny in a better place. I don't live in Bradford at the Minuit, I come back to meet my family occasionally.

OP posts:
BlessYourCottonSocks · 28/11/2017 20:42

OMG that is hysterical. Cleethorpes Grin.

I'm from Grimsby originally and Clee is even shittier than Grimsby.

Bradford is pretty cosmopolitan compared to North Lincs. We could only dream of Bradford's big town delights...

Jaded85 · 28/11/2017 20:42

I'm not being oversensitive...when every conversation, even the delicate ones, end with, it's because your from Bradford, it becomes rather draining. And now it has extended to my family members. There are aspects I can have a laugh and joke about, but in moderation. His mother is verbally aggressive and is also quick to say Bradford people are to be avoided

OP posts:
Jaded85 · 28/11/2017 20:43

He would be critical of anyone from Bradford, regardless of their postcode. Apparently we all have elements of bradford in our personality.

OP posts:
ilovepixie · 28/11/2017 20:43

I though of Liverpool too!

theluckiest · 28/11/2017 21:08

I am from Birmingham. I've put up with so much stick about being thick/slow/living in an industrial shithole/having a horrible accent over the years.

Mainly from people who have never been to Brum. I love it here and am proud of where I'm from. They can fuck off. Mind you, Peaky Blinders has given us a bit more kudos...Grin

But to have someone who is supposed to love you and support you being so downright rude is vile. He sounds like a knob.

CoyoteCafe · 28/11/2017 21:49

when every conversation, even the delicate ones, end with, it's because your from Bradford

he's verbally abusive. GET OUT NOW.

Offred · 28/11/2017 21:54

Urgh.... ‘banter’.... The only time I have ever known the word ‘banter’ being used to describe something that isn’t simply bullying/harassment is when people use it as interchangeable with ‘conversation’....

If someone is upset and offended by your ‘jokes’ they aren’t jokes, it’s just bullying.

greenapplesplatter · 28/11/2017 21:57

@Devilscope has hit the nail on the head!!

rubums · 28/11/2017 22:44

When challenged he says he left and evolved, created his own destiny in a better place.

😂😂😂. I feel posh being from Huddersfield 😱

FizzyGreenWater · 29/11/2017 09:49

When challenged he says he left and evolved, created his own destiny in a better place.

Time to point out he seems to be on the downward arc of that amazing story of destiny?

Here's something for you to print out and put on the fridge for Christmas:

*Hailing originally from the bogs of Cleethorpes, JadedDH was not one to let this hold him back. He was tireless in his pursuit of middle-classness, working far into the night to improve accent, walk, taste in sweaters and nice cheese, and attitude towards toilet brushes. Little did he realise that true class comes from within. Looking around him with pompous self-congratulation, standing in his lovely be-cushioned home, arm around his presentable wife and his sparkling car in the drive, this dyed-in-the-wool scuzzer found that elegance, grace, and manners still eluded him. Every time he opened his mouth, the rude, sneering, narrow-minded views of his Cleethorpian Ole Mum would come out, to the disgust of his better-bred, kinder new family. Lack of intelligence too, as those stock phrases of the boorish, uneducated lump he still was came tumbling out. 'They're all the same' ' Everyone from x is y'. It was sad, but once the silk fell off this Cleethorpian sow's ear, they wanted him no longer. The arc of destiny started to fall. Perhaps unfairly. Cleethorpes being so much smaller than the Bradford conurbation, maybe he simply hadn't had the chance to learn the basics - that people are people, and differ the world over. However, they could no longer invest in something so deficient. The last anyone heard, he was rooting through the bins - but quite happily, as the bins didn't have a Bradford postcode. 'They're awl tha saaaame!' can sometimes still be heard on a quiet night, if you care to listen. Everyone else lived happily ever after. The moral of this story? Take a fucking look at yourself because you sound like an absolute idiot, Cleethorpes Man.

PsychedelicSheep · 29/11/2017 10:18

That’s fucking brilliant Fizzy! 😂👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

fizzthecat1 · 30/11/2017 00:15

Urgh.... ‘banter’.... The only time I have ever known the word ‘banter’ being used to describe something that isn’t simply bullying/harassment is when people use it as interchangeable with ‘conversation

Oh chill out. Not bitter / oversensitive atall. My partner constantly takes the piss it's called a JOKE.

Waaaaa I'm being bullied someone made a joke waaaaa. You sound like a barrel of laughs.

Snortles · 30/11/2017 00:52

My DH constantly took the piss out of my hometown for years calling the people there backward, illiterate etc. Place is full of drug addicts and dog shit apparently Hmm

It's very hurtful even if someone claims to be joking around. 1) A joke isn't said over and over. And B) jokes are funny - taking the piss out of our upbringing, those dear to us, making a mockery of our community and childhood memories is NOT funny in any way, shape or form.

Anyway as karma would have it, due to various reasons we ended up moving to my hometown Grin He fucking hates it but i've learnt to ignore him and he is slowly getting used to it. OP you should narrate my DH's horror story to your DH that if he doesnt STFU he might well end up in Bradford (lovely place btw, I love the Asian restaurants).

PerspicaciaTick · 30/11/2017 01:31

He sounds a bit dim. Very dim, actually. Like he struggles with logical thinking and reasoned arguments.

The only other explanation is that he is doing it deliberately to belittle and undermine you. Which would be a cruel and abusive thing for a loving husband to do.

So, dim or cruel?

NewStartNow · 01/12/2017 07:33

My abusive ex used to criticise my hometown too.
I left him and came home with our DS.
Strangely he's now moved here.
Go figure.

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