Anyone else married to a manchild

[bunzie]

Just that really... need to rant... not sure if my husband went to the doctors he would be diagnosed with some form of mental illness... I do feel he may be depressed due to years of bullying by his father... but besides that he is extremely useless around the house and just in his own life really... he holds a job at a friends company... so he works and brings home wages. but he is not confident person so i know he would find it extremely hard to find a job on his own accord.

He has never been good at finances... so much so that was in major debt which I found out about only after we got married... we spent our first two years wages as a couple paying off his debts... so I took hold of financial reins... he still went and wasted gbp 6000 on a course that he never completed... so that was good money down the drain.

He never helps with house work... I have to speak to him like he is a child and ask him to do something minimum 5 times... even then he forgets to do things.

I look after cooking cleaning shopping household admin... i do everything for 2 dc pick up drop off... I visited 7-8 schools recent weeks... he showed no interest to visit and never even asked about how the school visits went... he has no clue about our life, financial, children medication plus education... i just wonder what would happen if anything were to happen to me.

He has got it so easy and I know women will say let him do stuff... but I feel his brain just can’t process certain things... been married 12 years so i know.. i leave his monthly bill preparation with him... even then I have to check it every single month for the last 12 years and he still makes mistakes.

How can his life be so easy...i can never switch off and often feel frustrated that there is no one to look after me. I think I feel very unhappy as this problem has become so much more difficult after arrival of dc... they are young 2 and 4...so I have a lot on my plate... and him not pulling his weight is really bringing me down.

How does he feel about seeing a doctor? Perhaps get him to look here to see if it could be a possibility.

You've been his enabler for 12 years, what inducement does he have to change? None as far as I can see. If you micro-manage him you will become his micro-managing enabler.

You have three choices. You have strong words and he becomes a fully functioning human being - not sure how realistic this is to be honest. You have strong words, he remains a lazy arse and you continue being his enabler. Or you have strong words, he remains a lazy arse and you kick him out.

Someone always comes on these threads to suggest your DH may have MH issues or may be depressed or has ADHD - anything to excuse his shit behaviour. I don't buy it - he just sounds pathetic to me.

AF Never invest more in someone else's life than they are prepared to pay back to you.
These words should be embroidered onto samplers and viewed daily!

I just invented that one Annelind but it's soooo true

Your husband sounds very similar to mine. When we first married , I did pander to him but after 3 kids , I had enough and couldn't put up with a fourth "child". We split up for 6 months but eventually got back together after counselling. Meanwhile my eldest boy was struggling with lots of basic tasks and needed assessing. My son was then diagnosed with dyspraxia and when I looked at the symptoms , it was my husband to a tee! My husband still has to pull his weight and be an equal partner but I realise there are some things his brain really struggles to do , therefore I choose my battles and put him in charge of stuff he is good at , but take control of things he is rubbish at. We still have a pretty rocky relationship but when I see how hard it is for my son to manage tasks , I try to be a bit more understanding. You have to get the balance so that you are not doing it all yourself , that just leads to resentment and frustration

I totally feel your pain. My husband is good at learning an income but he is a total Man child. Complete with man tantrums constantly having friends over. It is a constant struggle for him to put the family first when you point outanything or try to talk over a disagreement he completely throws a man tantrum starts an argument is completely disrespectful oh, and hold a grudge for days on end to punish you for speaking up on the fact that he didn't do what he was supposed to. He is no help Hands-On with the children at all I am a stay-at-home wife so he feels he has no responsibilities whatsoever help around the house. And he loves to have his friends over to all hours of the day and night currently I am struggling to get the Christmas tree up with our children because he is hanging out with his friends who think that I am their babysitter if I go missing it is truly on my own volition because I have just had enough.

His behaviour is deliberate and selective to you.
Is he that inept at work? with his friends?
He is taking advantage of you - he is actively resisting you if you have to ask him 5 times to do something.
That is passive aggressive and disrespectful to you.
He may well have some childhood issues to resolve - but he has to do that himself - not take it out on you.

If he sees your distress, exhaustion, frustration and still does not engage - he is NOT a nice kind husband and is actually a horrible Dad as no good father would treat the mother of his children so badly. But these guys cover up their shit by being "Mr Nice Guy" - to children, family and friends.

These situations just get worse and worse - you become drained, a person you don't want to be (an exhausted nag), you model a dreadful unbalanced relationship to your children, you will despise him and he you, if this dynamic continues.

He needs to see that he is part of a team and needs to contribute. Assign clear roles - and clear consequences - he needs to shape up or ship out.

ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE