Anyone else married to a manchild

[bunzie]

Just that really... need to rant... not sure if my husband went to the doctors he would be diagnosed with some form of mental illness... I do feel he may be depressed due to years of bullying by his father... but besides that he is extremely useless around the house and just in his own life really... he holds a job at a friends company... so he works and brings home wages. but he is not confident person so i know he would find it extremely hard to find a job on his own accord.

He has never been good at finances... so much so that was in major debt which I found out about only after we got married... we spent our first two years wages as a couple paying off his debts... so I took hold of financial reins... he still went and wasted gbp 6000 on a course that he never completed... so that was good money down the drain.

He never helps with house work... I have to speak to him like he is a child and ask him to do something minimum 5 times... even then he forgets to do things.

I look after cooking cleaning shopping household admin... i do everything for 2 dc pick up drop off... I visited 7-8 schools recent weeks... he showed no interest to visit and never even asked about how the school visits went... he has no clue about our life, financial, children medication plus education... i just wonder what would happen if anything were to happen to me.

He has got it so easy and I know women will say let him do stuff... but I feel his brain just can’t process certain things... been married 12 years so i know.. i leave his monthly bill preparation with him... even then I have to check it every single month for the last 12 years and he still makes mistakes.

How can his life be so easy...i can never switch off and often feel frustrated that there is no one to look after me. I think I feel very unhappy as this problem has become so much more difficult after arrival of dc... they are young 2 and 4...so I have a lot on my plate... and him not pulling his weight is really bringing me down.

[pog100]

ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE

[another20]

His behaviour is deliberate and selective to you.
Is he that inept at work? with his friends?
He is taking advantage of you - he is actively resisting you if you have to ask him 5 times to do something.
That is passive aggressive and disrespectful to you.
He may well have some childhood issues to resolve - but he has to do that himself - not take it out on you.

If he sees your distress, exhaustion, frustration and still does not engage - he is NOT a nice kind husband and is actually a horrible Dad as no good father would treat the mother of his children so badly. But these guys cover up their shit by being "Mr Nice Guy" - to children, family and friends.

These situations just get worse and worse - you become drained, a person you don't want to be (an exhausted nag), you model a dreadful unbalanced relationship to your children, you will despise him and he you, if this dynamic continues.

He needs to see that he is part of a team and needs to contribute. Assign clear roles - and clear consequences - he needs to shape up or ship out.

[SMHalv]

I totally feel your pain. My husband is good at learning an income but he is a total Man child. Complete with man tantrums constantly having friends over. It is a constant struggle for him to put the family first when you point outanything or try to talk over a disagreement he completely throws a man tantrum starts an argument is completely disrespectful oh, and hold a grudge for days on end to punish you for speaking up on the fact that he didn't do what he was supposed to. He is no help Hands-On with the children at all I am a stay-at-home wife so he feels he has no responsibilities whatsoever help around the house. And he loves to have his friends over to all hours of the day and night currently I am struggling to get the Christmas tree up with our children because he is hanging out with his friends who think that I am their babysitter if I go missing it is truly on my own volition because I have just had enough.

[Shazicowfan1]

Your husband sounds very similar to mine. When we first married , I did pander to him but after 3 kids , I had enough and couldn't put up with a fourth "child". We split up for 6 months but eventually got back together after counselling. Meanwhile my eldest boy was struggling with lots of basic tasks and needed assessing. My son was then diagnosed with dyspraxia and when I looked at the symptoms , it was my husband to a tee! My husband still has to pull his weight and be an equal partner but I realise there are some things his brain really struggles to do , therefore I choose my battles and put him in charge of stuff he is good at , but take control of things he is rubbish at. We still have a pretty rocky relationship but when I see how hard it is for my son to manage tasks , I try to be a bit more understanding. You have to get the balance so that you are not doing it all yourself , that just leads to resentment and frustration

[AnyFucker]

I just invented that one Annelind but it's soooo true

[Annelind]

AF Never invest more in someone else's life than they are prepared to pay back to you.
These words should be embroidered onto samplers and viewed daily!

[SilverySurfer]

You've been his enabler for 12 years, what inducement does he have to change? None as far as I can see. If you micro-manage him you will become his micro-managing enabler.

You have three choices. You have strong words and he becomes a fully functioning human being - not sure how realistic this is to be honest. You have strong words, he remains a lazy arse and you continue being his enabler. Or you have strong words, he remains a lazy arse and you kick him out.

Someone always comes on these threads to suggest your DH may have MH issues or may be depressed or has ADHD - anything to excuse his shit behaviour. I don't buy it - he just sounds pathetic to me.

[LunarGirl]

How does he feel about seeing a doctor? Perhaps get him to look here to see if it could be a possibility.

[AnyFucker]

Dear God, don't sign up to micro manage such a baby. You can't change him. This is what he is. You cannot "build up his confidence". You are not a professional, you are his wife.

If you are determined to martyr yourself to this hopeless cause insist he gets outside support with his "confidence" (hopefully a good counsellor will see it as the passive aggressive manipulation it actually is) or you end things. You will end up being his mother. Women like you often get dumped because blokes like this stop seeing you as a sexual being because you take on the maternal role. Imagine investing all this effort into a bloke then he fucks off with 25yo Julie from behind the bar at the pub who doesn't nag and thinks he is Mr Wonderful. I have seen it happen.

Never invest more in someone else's life than they are prepared to pay back to you.

[bunzie]

Lunargirl... what you say about ADHD sounds very interesting... we have also tried making a list and I have given ultimatums but have stopped now as I never did act on anything in the past. i think I need to work more on building his confidence and see how it goes... leave a lot more for him to do ( which involves a lot of patience and persistence) and probably even ask for his opinions and put him on stop with decision making.

[misscph1973]

OP, I know how easy it is to sink into these habits as a wife. It's so deep in our culture that women manage the household.

I think you have to either change things or leave him. You will become very bitter and resentful.

You have to tell him that you can't do this anymore. Give him an ultimatum. Do not "manage" him, he needs to take responsibility and show initiative.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

value not feel.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

His is a bit of a zombie existence but clearly he gets by because you do all the heavy lifting. FIL and BIL may have had a lot of input in the past but he is an adult now, how long have you been a couple? Twelve years wed so that is a long time to start shaping up. What kind of role model will he be to the children? Do you feel his opinion on anything?

Rant by all means but you already feel contempt toward your husband, it may be low level now but it will fester.

[LiveLifeWithPassion]

I think being bullied by your father is a huge issue. Has he had any counselling for the bullying?
It sounds like he’s got low self esteem too. That can be built up with ‘achieving’ things. Could be be things in sport or exercise activities, courses and even tasks and jobs.
He has to want to do it though.

[AnyFucker]

You would be better off without him but like many women think that better the devil you know. I don't agree.

[LunarGirl]

My DH has ADHD. Diagnosed as an adult after recognising the traits when our DS was diagnosed. Our DH's sound very similar, OP. We've had counselling together and one of the main things the psychologist kept stressing was that the ADHD was a reason but most definitely not an excuse. DH was babied by his mother, his grandfather and uncle constantly put him down, tell him he's stupid and will never amount to anything. They've done it all his life as he was a "Naughty" child. Now we know that actually he was just struggling to cope.

The diagnosis has brought him a lot of peace, I think. Understanding why he seems to struggle with every day stuff. He went to therapy on his own for a long time and he has developed coping strategies. The change in him is massive. I still need to remind him of things but he's taking responsibility, putting reminders on his phone, checking the calendar etc. He used to walk straight past mess but he makes an effort now to look carefully to see if there's anything that needs doing, or he'll ask me.

Not saying your DH has ADHD, but it would be helpful for him to explore if there is a neurological issue or if it is just the way he was brought up/chooses to live.

[AmeliaFlashtart]

"his brain is not wired to do this stuff"
No one is born knowing how to do this stuff, you learn.

[ineedsummer1]

I was married to a man child for 15 yrs, I had no respect for him in the end. No wonder I was so stressed looking after 3 kids!!!
I’m with a man now that actually helps with the house and everything we do it’s so refreshing!!

[SisterhoodisPowerful]

Your husband is a loser because he chooses to be one. He does nothing around the house because he knows you will do it for him and he’s trained you to think he’s incapable rather than lazy.

If you choose to be in a relationship where you are responsible, that’s up to you but please don’t pretend that your husbands behaviour is normal for men. Because it isn’t.

[bunzie]

I do not touch his clothes or laundry at all... there has been a big improvement on household chores side but I do have to tell him 5-6 times...so not sure you can call it an improvement....it not like he would walk into the kitchen when I am cooking and offer to help... but I don’t think I would ever be ready to give him financial reins... i was once cooking so asked him to pay tv license on store credit card to get the points... he went upstairs and paid it online after seeing that paying with credit card involves a 2.50 admin charge. i would’ve paid by debit card then.. he even knew that i asked him to use credit card for the points.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Great post Pyjamaface (and name!).

OP, this is what you need to be doing. He doesn't need to do anything because you're doing it all for him. I know you said it's because otherwise it won't get done, but how else will he learn?

[Pyjamaface]

DP was a manchild at first. As we didn't live together I left him to it. When I fell pregnant tho that was no longer an option so we had several long talks about him needing to actually be an adult.

When I moved in he seemed to think that I would be doing everything, nope, not happening. I did once clean his flat top to bottom, sorted everything out. He complained that I'd thrown out a disgusting stinking pair of boots that were falling apart, so I told him he either grew up and pulled his weight or I would be moving out.

Occasionally he will let his inner slob come out 10 years later. So I just dump everything on his side of the bed and leave it to him. Can't find something? Down the side of the bed dear. No clean clothes? That'll be cos you didn't put them in the wash dear. Need a haircut? Off you pop and make an appointment dear.

I have enough to deal with regarding the actual child in the house without doing his thinking as well and to be fair, he is fine 95% of the time and has always pitched in with DS

[Isetan]

Funny that you blame the MIL when you're guilty of exactly the same behaviour. Learned incompetence only thrives if there's someone to enable it.

Op you are enabling him but you won't see it because it's easier then accepting that this is who he is and what he does and there isn't another version of him just waiting to emerge. The reasons why you enable him doesn't detract from the reality that you do.