Getting married with an interfering MIL!!

[eirrah]

Hi. My boyfriend and I have started to plan our wedding and his Mum is doing my head in! We are having a smallish do and I don’t want a huge fuss. My mum died when I was 18 and obviously I’m missing her loads right now as id love to plan it with her. I don’t want his mum interfering and trying to replace my Mum. We bought the groom and best mans outfit this weekend (getting married abroad and in shorts) and she kicked off saying what will our dads wear as they can’t wear shorts and we should have thought about that. Firstly, I couldn’t care less if my own Dad turned up in jeans and trainers really. It’s our wedding and we will wear what we want!

She also has her own Pinterest boards with decor ideas and things I personally do not want at my wedding. She’s asked to come along to all the wedding fairs with her and I don’t want her to. I want to go to the first one with my boyfriend and after that I want to go with my bridesmaids.

I know she’s excited but it’s really getting to me as I want to have a special day that me and my boyfriend want - not his Mum.

He said he will mention it to her but he doesn’t know how to. He recommended giving her something to do to make her feel involved but I don’t know what role I could give her? I don’t want to sound spoilt but I just don’t want her interfering. They aren’t contributing anything to our wedding money wise and I just want a special day that me and my boyfriend want.

Any advice? Thank you xx

Wow, I think yabu. How hard would it be to include her, just a little bit. Your last post, especially the bit about making a point via your bridesmaids, does you no favours at all, you sound like a spoilt 12 year old. I think its very telling that your boyfriend is having to think about what to say to his mum, could this be because he doesn't actually think she's doing anything wrong, and he's feeling caught in the middle....?

What a nasty person you appear to be. You are marrying this woman’s son, I assume you love him, which means I also assume you think he is s good guy, has been brought up pretty nicely by his parents but you can’t give his mum the time of day. You want to have your sister in law and bridesmaids to help with the planning and you can’t find any space for his Mum. Wow words fail me

Also its a bit of a kick i the teeth to her that your bridesmaids and your SIL are helping but she cant do anything! So her daughter can but she cant... dont push her out too much otherwise she really will be a headache for you in the future. Like the saying keep your enemys close.... however shes not the enemy. Shes just excited

I would also fall into the camp of don't annoy the inlaws, I don't understand why it's supposedly only the brides family that can get excited and join in.

Let her have her pinterest boards, it doesn't mean you have to opt for any of it. You might be surprised and find an idea you do like, you never know.

Best of luck

I think there’s some confusion here.

If someone is truly excited for the couple and asks to be given tasks they can help with, there is usually no problem. Weddings always have long lists of important but boring jobs, and taking some of these off the couples plates lets them do the fun jobs.

This MIL doesn’t seem to be doing that at all. She’s cherry-picking the fun jobs for herself, not caring or consulting the couple’s preferences and putting them in the awful position of having to tell her to butt out. However she is rationalising this bad behaviour to herself is her own problem.

OP, I think the script for your fiancé to follow with MIL goes something like this:

‘Mum, it’s great that you’re excited for us, but you have to give us a chance to sort our main arrangements before we can come up with some jobs for you. You can of course say no to those jobs, but please don’t just jump in with things you think we should need or want. We want to include you more, but you’re making it a bit hard for us. There’s loads to do, and plenty of time, so please just wind back the suggestions for a while. Thanks mum, love you.’

Practice saying no. No I don't like that. No I'm not having that, I'm having this. No because I've already got that organised.

It's not nasty at all. PIL have no automatic right to plan their child's wedding, they should butt out and wait to be asked to help.

I'm with you OP. None of her business. You two do it how you want. You only do it once (generally )
It's hard when you're not used to the interfering.
My MIL drives me mad with our DS (always got on really well before) interfering and giving her input.
My mum is the complete opposite. And I love her for it!
Good luck with the wedding.
Top advice- don't let it fester til you end up snapping at her. Try and nip it in the bud before it builds up and explodes.

I am sorry you won't have your DM at the wedding and can't share your special day with her, but I also feel you are subconsciously punishing your MIL for that.

She wants to be part of this wonderful celebration and is the mother of the groom, she appears to be being treated like just another guest.

The PP that said you will one day be a MIL yourself nailed it. It won't hurt you to give her some role in the wedding that doesn't allow her to add her personal taste to anything, like managing the RSVPs etc.

Does no one realise the MIL turned up to the engagement party with decorations and stuff without consulting the couple? Dunno about the rest of you and maybe I live in a weird world, but I don't turn up to any party with decorations. That's just crazy.

I think the OP and the people giving her advice need to think carefully about how her fiancée may be interpreting this.

He has already hinted that he is uncomfortwith the way his OP is treating his mum.

It is his wedding too and his family and his thoughts are just as important as the OP’s. Don’t run roughshod over what he thinks or wants just because you’re the bride.

I would have a proper chat with your fiancée Op. Make sure you are aligned in your thinking before acting on any advice telling you to get him to tell his mum to keep out. If not, you will be storing up problems for after the wedding.

MN is full of examples of how resentment can be bottled up and destroy a relationship.

I would also consider whether you are punishing your MIL because your own mum is not here I.e. she has no right to be able to do these things when my mum isn’t here to do them.

It is not her fault your mum is not here. People may be too polite to mention it but you do sound like you don’t want her involved on principle, not just because she has different ideas.

OP, do you really believe that your DH-to-be thinks you're 'running roughshod' over his families thoughts and feelings'?
I think the previous poster makes some important points and although, I think that your MIL sounds insensitive and over invested, this is really about you and him and how you solve this together.
Does your partner think his mother is just a little overexcited and should be tolerated? Does he understand your frustration? What was his response to his mother's negative reaction when she found out about the fathers wearing shorts?
Is your MIL quite an overbearing character generally? Personally, I cannot understand why when she knows how hard this must be for you, she is unable to step back and wait to be asked. I suspect that when you feel unsupported and criticised, you must feel the loss of you mum all the more acutely. I would suggest that if your MIL didn't behave in the way she has, she could have helped you a great deal in dealing with your loss.

Is she paying anything towards it? If not it's nothing to do with her. If she is I think you'll have to concede something.

My future MIL is the same.
Uber excited and has her own Pinterest boards and regularly makes suggestions / offerings / advice.

Its nice though as my mum will be excited on their day and the last bit of the run up but isn't bothered about the plans too much.

It's my dp and i's Wedding so what we want goes, but it doesn't hurt hearing what others suggest and I don't have to take her advise or offerings if they aren't what we want.

Dot feel pressured by it, it's all just kindness and excitement

Ps - my MIl has all boys .

She doesn't have a daughters wedding of her own to get excited about so I'm happy to give her the chance

OMG the person who said you’re so nasty because you won’t let your. Future MIL get involved is crackers. I so feel your pain. My wedding was turned into a stressful occasion by just this very same thing. MIL all over me like a rash. Back away now and be vague, vague, vague. She had her day and this one is yours. I noticed a couple of years later that my MIL didn’t bully her own daughter as she had done with me - she wouldn’t dare. Elements of my wedding day were unrecognisable to me by the time it actually took place. I was far too naive and afraid to annoy. Stand up to her now, op, or she’ll be walking all over you for years to come. On reflection, quite a lot of the bollocks that I had to put up with was concerned with impressing HER friends - people I’d never met before or have ever seen since.