Getting married with an interfering MIL!!

[eirrah]

Hi. My boyfriend and I have started to plan our wedding and his Mum is doing my head in! We are having a smallish do and I don’t want a huge fuss. My mum died when I was 18 and obviously I’m missing her loads right now as id love to plan it with her. I don’t want his mum interfering and trying to replace my Mum. We bought the groom and best mans outfit this weekend (getting married abroad and in shorts) and she kicked off saying what will our dads wear as they can’t wear shorts and we should have thought about that. Firstly, I couldn’t care less if my own Dad turned up in jeans and trainers really. It’s our wedding and we will wear what we want!

She also has her own Pinterest boards with decor ideas and things I personally do not want at my wedding. She’s asked to come along to all the wedding fairs with her and I don’t want her to. I want to go to the first one with my boyfriend and after that I want to go with my bridesmaids.

I know she’s excited but it’s really getting to me as I want to have a special day that me and my boyfriend want - not his Mum.

He said he will mention it to her but he doesn’t know how to. He recommended giving her something to do to make her feel involved but I don’t know what role I could give her? I don’t want to sound spoilt but I just don’t want her interfering. They aren’t contributing anything to our wedding money wise and I just want a special day that me and my boyfriend want.

Any advice? Thank you xx

You dont sound like one of those "Ive been planning my dream wedding since I was 5 years old" women, so with that in mind - isnt there something you can give her to do? Why not settle on your wedding colour scheme and "look" and let her find you some invite designs, or table favours, or reception venues?

Theres quite a lot of "accessories to the main day" things like that to organise, why not give her an outline and let her join in on the excitement? Worst case, you end up with invitations that arent quite what you would have picked but that your boyfriend can know his mum was involved with and smile about.

Is it actually going to be much use going to wedding fairs if you're getting married abroad? Surely you'll be sourcing most of your stuff over there?

Dear OP, I don't believe that your MIL is being very sensitive or caring.
She may be excited, but she is not the bride, and she should take a step back and be supportive of your decisions. She should not have invited herself along to the Wedding Fairs and she should be acutely aware of your needs and wishes and should ask you how she could help.
I think difficult as it may be for him, your DH to be has to address this and explain your feelings to his mother. She may be a little 'put out' but if she really cares she will understand and not make things difficult for him or you. Otherwise, you will have at least tried to put in place a boundary that I suspect needs to be there, and could help you as you start your married life together.
I do so wish 25 years later, that somebody had given me this advice

My only advice is to remember that one day you will (hopefully) be a MIL.

Try to treat her with the kindness you hope your future children in law will show towards you.

You’ve just said you’d like to be planning it with your Mum. You’d be going to wedding fairs with her and getting her involved. Your boyfriends Mum has a child getting married in exactly the same way - it’s really not fair to cut her out like that.

Except the OP's MILTB has a son getting married, not a daughter.

So how about your boyfriend just involves her with his side of things? Why don't you suggest to him that she helps him plan his stag do, if he thinks she needs a sop to Cerberus?

I really don't understand why anyone thinks they have a 'right' to be involved with planning the wedding of another couple. If you're asked to help, fantastic. If not- butt the hell out.

My only advice is to remember that one day you will (hopefully) be a MIL.

Try to treat her with the kindness you hope your future children in law will show towards you.

This^

There's "being involved" and there is "wanting the power to veto things". I suspect MiL may be assuming she should have the latter.

I'm not sure what the best advice is but this is an ideal time to show her you will be living according to your own preferences later in life.

The only way I managed to control my future MIL was to cut off the information. Otherwise every guest she knew would have been told every detail before the day.

Either give her a job or consult when you need (e.g. Addresses for invites on her side). But stay vague on the rest. Good luck!

Start as you mean to go on............

Why don't you let her plan the 'reversal dinner'?

Snap treaclesoda

We had a small wedding which dh and I organised. We just ordered flowers for the wedding party, didn't occur to me that we should get flowers for all of dh's relatives.

I arrived and noticed that all of dh's relations were wearing white carnations which was not what the main party had!! Made it easier when talking to the photographer about group pictures, as in "dont.include anyone with a.whkte carnation"!!!

starfish mine went a step further and ordered her own flowers for the church and the hotel. I don't know what she thought was going to happen when two different florists arrived to set up their flowers .

It's years ago but it still puzzles me as to what she was thinking!

I asked my MIl to come with me to get my dress as I don't have a mum. Years and years later she announced how stressful it has been. I was and and as we went in two shops, I tried in 3 or 4 dresses and it was a really easy part of the day.

I understand your feelings as I've never had a mum and it's shit but I also see how your future MIL is excited and wants to be part of it all. He stropping about the clothes loses her points though. Difficult.

I disagree with most people too. I've actually in fact already told my own mother that not matter how much money she contributes to a wedding of mine (it wouldn't be much anyway my parents arent rich) that she under no circumstances gets a say in anything to do with it. It's between me and the guy I'm marrying.

But she started pointing out wedding dresses she thinks would look nice on me when I was 18, when I was single, and likes to point out places she thinks are suitable for weddings, so she needed to be told to back off.

Theres no way anyone but myself and my partner that would plan our wedding. It's our day, I don't care about anyone else's opinion. If we want a big wedding, we'll have one. If we want it on a bouncy castle, we'll get one. If we want to run away to vegas and get married there, we'll do just that. It's not anyone's choice but ours.

I don’t get the ‘her son is getting married she has a right to have a say in his wedding’.

She really has no say in the wedding of her son. He can invite her input if he wants, but OP doesn’t need to accept her invitation involvement of her part of planning the wedding if she doesn’t want.

MIL has no business inviting herself along to wedding fairs and dress fittings etc. It’s got nothing to do with her, she has no input.

And yes I may be a MIL some day. And I’ll be taking a lead out of my MIL’s book and not having moose myself on my children’s lives unlike my own mother who I am NC with as she feels she has involvement in absolutely everything in my life. She really doesn’t.

Parents need to step back and let their adult dc live their lives. They may find they’re more welcome and invited to be involved by their dc if they’re not forcing themselves on their dc’s lives.

Thanks everyone. My boyfriend says he is going to say something but he needs to think it through first. I don’t mind giving her something small to do but decorations and colour schemes etc I want to do myself with my sister in law and bridesmaids. Like I said, for our engagement she just turned up wth things I didn’t like on the day and it was too late really but I’m going to make sure t doesn’t happen this time.

We are getting married abroad but having w party back home, hence wedding fairs etc. Thanks so much for everyone’s help :)

Congrats on your upcoming wedding. Sincerest sympathies on the loss of your mum. If you're getting married abroad, will you be having ceremony booklets? Could she be tasked with getting them together (and if you happen to be bringing them with you, she could put them in her luggage)? She could go to the printer, get readings, get photos etc. of the happy couple and so on... Just a thought.

I'm with you aswell, OP, and with the minority voices here.

This is just the first obstacle of many. If she gets her way now, she will expect to get her way in all major decisions in the lives of the two of you. You need to put your foot down and be absolutely clear with her and keep her out of the loop. If she wants to contribute she can bring herself with a big smile to the actual wedding and leave the rest up to the two of you.

Also, it's your fiance's mother, so it's up to him to keep her busy. He needs to become a buffer from now on, so that your mil will not make both your lives miserable with her constant interference.

I agree you shouldn't let her take over or be overly involved if you don't want her to.
But keeping busy with little tasks is a good idea. Ask her to find a nice memory book or something similar for people to sign at the reception or she can help with gifts for the bridesmaids.
Even if it's you picking things out and asking her to order them for you so it's one less thing to worry about.
If she wants to feel more important then just give her the small things but make a big fuss about them to others in her presence so she feels important but your still getting your way.

I gave my interfering mother the task of making the cake. She fucked it up because she ran out of time aparantly. I would have preferred to buy one. She also tried to take over with other things. Mil and Fil were very upset about our meal choices. I would suggest creating boundaries now. It will only get worse if you let her walk over you now. I still resent my mother for the crap cake and making me spend an hour at my wedding looking for her lost shoes amongst other things.
When I had dc1 she was unbearable too.
No need to go in guns blazing but a bit of gushing about how you have planned everything from age 5, even if you haven't, and some firm 'that doesnt work for me/suit'. Good luck

Presumably, as this is her son getting married then she could help her son with whatever organisation her son is doing?

Won't she have her turn being the bride's mum when her daughter gets married?

Yes I keep saying to my boyfriend that I dread when we have kids cos she will be so interfering and I won’t let it happen. I say she ha his sisters to help plan whenever it may be too. Will defo put my foot down as like people say, it’ll only carry on. I might just stop talking to her about it and only mention it when she asks - she might get the hint then. I’m asking my bridesmaids in December too so I might make a point of telling her they’ll be the ones helping me. Thanks everyone xx

I have to agree about the dads wearing shorts tbh.

It's your wedding day I agree... but it won't be much fun if you celebrate on your own and piss important family members.

don't marry your MIL!

I do have at least two friends who refused to marry their long-term bfs simply in order to avoid this very scenario.

In the end, both relationships ended (one after nearly 20 years, and one after 10). Both men were devastated. Both women, in the end, relieved. (And they went on to have committed relationships with men whose mothers weren't like this. Both very happily married now.)