I am struggling to stop missing my ex and I keep finding ways to explain away his behaviour and minimise his abuse. It really helps to hear other peoples’ reaction to the way that he treated me so please share your thoughts and feelings about my experiences:
……… when we travelled he told me not to speak Dutch or German because it sounded horrible, then telling me that I ‘had stepped over the line’ if I defended myself. Talking about how awful my family are at the dining table in his brother’s home on the very first time that I met him and his extended family. The time that he told me after a brief conversation I had in German with a hotel owner that my attempts to speak German were embarrassing and that no one liked hearing their language mangled by the way that I spoke it.
………after meeting my son for dinner he told me that I talked too much, was attention-seeking and that my son and his partner thought that I was boring and stupid. The New Year’s lunch with my son that he ruined because beforehand he decided that I should tell them how awful my childhood was. I tried to explain that it was not the right time or place, that it was mine to discuss, but he refused to listen and threatened to tell them himself if I didn’t. I arrived at the restaurant with bloodshot eyes and a puffy face from crying and spent the meal anxious that he was going to bring it all up. Of course he didn’t.
…………all of the times that he ignored my needs: the two 10 hour trips that should have been 3 hours to save £300 when he had almost a quarter of a million in the bank and a salary 10 times more than the monthly bills; the 1.5 mile walk from the bus stop after those trips because he would not get a taxi. All of that occurring during a weekend before and after which I had been at work in a hard, stressful job and with his full knowledge of my serious health problems. The refusal to buy me a cup of tea at the airport because according to him I didn’t need it. Asking me why? whenever I mentioned feeling ill or tired. Returning from my Dad’s funeral after a 300 mile round trip to find nothing done and the kitchen dirty. He stayed in his chair and barely glanced up when I came in, not even bothering offer to make me a drink, let alone ask me how I was or how it had gone.
……….that he refused to write a will or make any provision for me if he died when we discussed the future. That what happened after his death was ‘my problem’ and if his family inherited his estate then ‘they were nice people’ and would look after me. His dismissing my need for security as of no account by refusing to reply when I pointed out that at if he died I would be heartbroken and dealing with his death at the same time as facing the loss of my home and financial insecurity. That he knew how much I wanted to marry him and said ‘You’d like that wouldn’t you.’ with a sly smile when he said that we would marry if it meant that he could stay in the UK following Brexit, while refusing to consider it for my sake.
…………..his refusing to celebrate birthdays, Christmas, Valentines day or anniversaries because they were meaningless; regardless of how I felt. His refusal to buy me any gifts or an engagement ring even though he knew how much I would have liked a ring from him.
……..that on holiday, after I had told him that, as I paid for the accommodation and travel, he was responsible for buying the meals and trips, he insisted that we only needed to eat once a day and my having to buy cheese, bread and fruit to eat in the hotel or on the bus. Hi insistence that I pay for the hotel which we had booked then decided not to use when a family member told us that it was known for renting rooms to sex workers and drug users.
…………him pushing me to leave the house with no job and nowhere to go just after my redundancy and my Dad’s death. His standing watching me break my heart over my redundancy, my Dad’s death, the loss of my home and us breaking up and doing and saying nothing. He refused me a hug when I was sobbing and asked him directly to please put his arms around me. He walked away saying that ‘It would be inappropriate.’
………his calling me crazy and ‘nut job’, insisting that I had BPD (the previous diagnosis of which even my psychiatrist disagreed with) and his opinion that I would never improve. His pointing out how badly it reflected on me when I watched certain TV programmes. He then went on to tell me that his brother and sister had found their father’s partner reading gossip magazines and how disgusted they were. The implication being that they would also be disgusted with me for watching those TV programmes.
………his telling me that he felt sorry for me because I ‘never had never had a chance’, my life was such a mess and I wouldn’t get better.
…………his agreeing that if I wanted to kill myself I should because my son would get over it.
………him telling me that I may have been smart when I was younger but I wasn’t now. Then explaining that this wasn’t my fault, it was the drugs, the surgery, the stress that had messed up my mind. His telling me, when I expressed my own insecurities and doubts, that maybe I was right and my friends and family really didn’t like me and that they did think that I was boring and stupid.
..............he had no interest in the things I love, and would either not listen or would dismiss and devalue those things. He told me that art, literature, philosophy, religion, history were all worthless and should not be taught at university or funded by the government. He told me that anyone with spiritual beliefs or a faith was crazy and he wanted nothing to do with them.
…………his telling me that women who cared about their appearance were stupid and shallow and not respecting my desire to care for my appearance. His telling me that when I first met him I was a bad kisser, and that he taught me how to kiss properly.
It helps to write it down again.