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Original poster

Friend shut me down when I offered solution to problem

45 replies

paganmolloy · 27/11/2017 08:52

She's been ranting on for years about how complicated and shit her life is and how she doesn't know anyone that would put up with what she has to [it's life btw, better than some, worse than others].

We have been friends since school and I'll not ditch her as I only see her about once a year so it's water off a duck's back for me but I just feel sorry for her. She sounds so miserable all the time. Just had our annual weekend with her and another pal and it's just drama, drama, drama about every aspect of her life. She was going on about how her DH works all weekend because no-one's job is as busy as his and the work needs done but he's about to have a nervous breakdown. I said that was just silly, that he's been doing this for so long now, he really needs to just work his long Monday to Friday hours. There is no point in being a martyr about it all. She then held her hands right up in my face and said 'stop, zip it. I don't need simple solutions to my complicated problems'. Other friend then said, hey she used to do it [working at weekends when loads on] but in the end it really didn't make a difference. She too was shut down. It's like she almost doesn't want solutions coz then she'd have nothing to be angry about anymore.

Anyone know anyone like this??? Is there any hope that one day they'll be happy and content?

OP posts:
MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 27/11/2017 08:57

I do. My response was that her problems were no more or less complicated than anyone else's and if she didn't want help/advice/solutions I didn't want to hear about it anymore.

We're still friends, she still moans more than most but she's toned it down a bit. Tbh I think the drama is what makes her happy!

ShatnersWig · 27/11/2017 08:58

No. People like that enjoy the drama. They don't change.

That's why most people give up on such friendships eventually. Because they are like zombies and drain energy and enjoyment from you when you spend time with them.

Schwanengesang · 27/11/2017 08:58

I used to be like it. I needed (1) effective treatment for long-term depression and (2) to grow up and choose to run my own life rather than have it be run by others. NB (2) merely required an attitude change and an understanding of ownership, rather than a change in what I did.

Peanutbuttercheese · 27/11/2017 08:59

My SIL is a complainer as was her Father my late FIL. They just love/loved to complain constantly. It's a misery being round them and I felt repelled by them a bit like trying to mix oil and water together.

I often find that people with really terrible problems don't complain, they keep quiet about them. I'm not saying everyone needs to be sunny and delightful all the time and a joy to be around but you should ask yourself why you stay in a friendship like this.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 27/11/2017 09:01

Maybe your helpful solution just wasn’t that helpful? Or a viable solution?

Do you really think it is that easy to just change things or that it hadn’t occurred to your friend or her husband to work fewer hours?

You have assumed you know her problem better than her and assumed your friend is stupid. I can see why she would be upset.

Schwanengesang · 27/11/2017 09:02

Also, people like this now drive me mad. Though I do understand the feeling of being attacked by all areas of life and that like is just an endless series of hurdles. You lose the ability to think about anything else when constantly hurdling...

yowerohotesies · 27/11/2017 09:06

Her coping mechanism for dealing with the stress in her life (which yes is no worse than many people) is to moan about it. That's important to her. It's one weekend a year - either put up with it, or next time lay down a condition that all talk of current stresses and strains of life is banned and conversation is limited to the plots of mutually interesting TV shows and shared memories.

Don't try to solve her problems. That's not your place.

ermmmmm · 27/11/2017 09:09

Agree with Moving. I think what she is looking for is a bit of sympathy/empathy from her friends about a situation which she is finding difficult. You seem to think that she's doing this to be competitive (" no-one's job is as busy as his").

If you don't want to listen to her or be sympathetic, that's fine. Change the subject. Distract her with something positive and amusing. She'll probably feel upset that you don't want to listen, but she'll be able to see that this is a friendship where there isn't room for problems/support and she can make a choice as to whether she wants to continue in it.

It doesn't sound like your "solution" works for her and that she feels you are minimising her difficulties. I wouldn't like to leave a friend feeling like this.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 27/11/2017 09:22

I don't know how you can be friends with someone like that. I know a woman the same and she made EVERY night out about HER and HER problems.

It's so fucking ridiculous and selfish.

sonjadog · 27/11/2017 09:25

Some people like moaning. They don't want solutions, they want to complain about how hard their lives are. I have a friend like this. If you are sick - she's sicker. If you are stressed - it's nothing compared to how stressed she is. It's like she is in a competition to be the most miserable person in the world.

becotide · 27/11/2017 09:26

Next time she starts going on, just remind her that she doesn't want your simple solutions to her complicated life, so you aren't going to answer her any more

CappuccinoCake · 27/11/2017 09:29

I'm not sure "just get him to work less hours " is actually being helpful. As if he hasn't thought of that.

When I was really struggling (new baby, cheap family, husband worked away) O often got the "well can't he get another job?" No he couldn't, yes he was trying. I was so worn down and struggling and just needed support.

If you've never been in a position where it feels like you're stuck or a string of bad luck you might not get it but it sucks. You know it sucks and you're not being the person you want to be but when you're "just about coping" you need people alongside you.

People with messy lives can be difficult as life is difficult. Doesn't mean you should cut them out :(

CappuccinoCake · 27/11/2017 09:30

What is often needed is support and empathy. Those thinking "simple solutions" help are probably missing something in the bigger picture.

CotswoldStrife · 27/11/2017 09:32

When I started reading your post, I thought we had the same friend!

The constant moaning, the perceived bitterness when they have no reason to feel like that - it is so wearing. If someone was ruining a (the only!) weekend away with it I would have said something too.

I have a relative like this as well. Pretty friendless unfortunately, because you dread speaking to them as it's just a list of moans (most of which are everyday normality frankly) and anything that happens to them is always bad. They do have some mental health issues and I think it's the cause. But it is SO hard to deal with.

There is also someone like this (anything mundane happens and it's straight to drama central) in a group I attend. People have tried to help in the past but it's never good enough. I keep out of it because I suspect mental health issues are at the root of it, but some have been stung by criticism after doing really lovely things for this person. They have also said that they never have friends.

It is awful to watch someone sabotage themselves repeatedly, but it's up to them to change their attitude to life as a PP said (well done Schwanengesang, it's not easy).

whiskyowl · 27/11/2017 09:37

I think everyone has a right to whinge to friends for a bit when things are shit. However, the operative phrase there is "for a bit". Whinging incessantly, or in a way that actually precludes solutions from being found, is just awful and unhelpful and anti-social. And means you can never get beyond the person's problems onto anything else, which ultimately means there's no space for anyone else to have a problem or to be struggling.

YouNosyTwat · 27/11/2017 09:39

Drama llamas don't change. Even if he did make all the right changes she'd still find something to whinge about.
And she was rude, if she put her hands up in my face she'd have got them smacked away!

MrsHathaway · 27/11/2017 09:41

If you are the type of person who likes to solve problems, it can be really difficult to listen to someone talking about a problem without voicing the solutions your brain automatically offers.

But as pps have said, that isn't necessarily what they're after. If you are a "letting off steam" type, then having solutions offered to you can feel deeply patronising and unsympathetic. She's sharing her life with you by complaining, and you're shutting her down by assuming you know better.

So the conflict is not so much that she's a particular kind of person, but that her type (letting off steam) and your type (problem-solving) aren't compatible. If you want to spend time with her, you need to read between the lines and wait for "how can I solve this?" or "what would you do?" before offering advice; similarly if you want help from her you need to ask for it explicitly otherwise she'll think you're just joining in with the venting.

ppeatfruit · 27/11/2017 09:43

I have an ex dil like this, she drains happiness on every occasion. She is always too poor . She owns a car in a busy part of London (bus at the end of her road) . Her car is always needing repairs, parking tickets, etc etc. If I even mention that I take a tube everywhere, she thinks she's above it. There's an old saying "There's nowt as strange as folks". !!!!

Itsonkyme · 27/11/2017 09:49

I'm sorry! But if anyone put that hands to my face and said, "Zip it" I would never see it speak to them again.
Your "friend" sounds an absolute pain in that arse. Drop her! Life's too short!

CaledonianQueen · 27/11/2017 09:51

She then held her hands right up in my face and said 'stop, zip it. I don't need simple solutions to my complicated problems'.

That is so RUDE!!! That would instantly have got my back up!! Regardless of whether your advice was helpful or not, she crossed a line in my book!

She sounds like a self-obsessed know all, who's world revolves around her and her problems. But I doubt you would be friends if she was! Did you discuss this with your other friend? Was she offended?

Is she always this awful, or does she have a fun, caring, empathic side that your post hasn't covered? If she has been a good friend for years I might pull her up on how rude that was but in a jokey way. If she is this self-obsessed and has spent the duration of your friendship, expecting the conversation to revolve around her problems, then I would be considering, just what this friend, brought to your life!

TrojansAreSmegheads · 27/11/2017 09:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/11/2017 09:54

I have a family member like this and she too doesnt want solutions. There is either always a reason why it wouldnt work or she will get stroppy and say that it must be great to have the answer to everything......

I dont bother with her anymore but others who do get the same response.

It boils down to the fact that she gets attention from her moaning, she makes every situation about her and doesnt want solutions as then she would have nothing to say! She has been like this for so long I dont think she knows how to be positive, she thrives on "Oh poor you..." and I suspect she thinks that people say "Oh my goodness she copes so well despite having such a hard life!" when in fact we are all utterly sick of her constant complaining. I swear she would find something to moan about if she won the lottery!

rcit · 27/11/2017 09:55

Erm...I think your "solution" was quite inappropriate, sweeping and glib. Rather like saying to someone with anorexia - well that's just silly you just need to eat.

That said, you'd probably be better off ditching her as you clearly don't get along and if all she does all the time is complain then all the joy is sucked out of everything.

thatstoast · 27/11/2017 09:57

Saying "he should work less" isn't a solution.

Anyway, I know lots of drama llamas. They are happy and content, they don't want solutions, they just want to tell exaggerated stories about their life and have everyone around them smile and nod.

user1495451339 · 27/11/2017 09:59

She was rude, but I am pretty sure she has suggested that solution to him herself and it is not possible or he wouldn't be working at the weekend would he?

But she is unreasonable to offload her problems on people she only meets with once a year like it is somehow your responsibility! She probably just wants a bit of sympathy rather than a solution as such.