Friend shut me down when I offered solution to problem

[paganmolloy]

She's been ranting on for years about how complicated and shit her life is and how she doesn't know anyone that would put up with what she has to [it's life btw, better than some, worse than others].

We have been friends since school and I'll not ditch her as I only see her about once a year so it's water off a duck's back for me but I just feel sorry for her. She sounds so miserable all the time. Just had our annual weekend with her and another pal and it's just drama, drama, drama about every aspect of her life. She was going on about how her DH works all weekend because no-one's job is as busy as his and the work needs done but he's about to have a nervous breakdown. I said that was just silly, that he's been doing this for so long now, he really needs to just work his long Monday to Friday hours. There is no point in being a martyr about it all. She then held her hands right up in my face and said 'stop, zip it. I don't need simple solutions to my complicated problems'. Other friend then said, hey she used to do it [working at weekends when loads on] but in the end it really didn't make a difference. She too was shut down. It's like she almost doesn't want solutions coz then she'd have nothing to be angry about anymore.

Anyone know anyone like this??? Is there any hope that one day they'll be happy and content?

I don't think saying he should work less is a bad solution. OP wasnt suggesting he cut down on his paid hours, just that he prioritise his family over doing so much unpaid work. I think people should try their hardest to stick to the hours they're paid for. I always work a fair bit over as do most people I think, but if it gets silly I'll be honest and assertive and say I won't be able to get certain bits of work done within timescales.

"Erm...I think your "solution" was quite inappropriate, sweeping and glib."

At the end of the day, though, either he has a nervous breakdown or he sorts his work-life balance in some way - speaking to a manager, working to hours, changing jobs.

I think once someone has had their share of airtime with negativity and whinging, (and been supported through that) it can actually be useful to state the bald facts of the matter. Also, people need to accept responsibility for decisions that are of their own making. I have utmost sympathy for people who are vulnerable, sick and ill through no fault of their own, with no control. I have less sympathy for those who have trapped themselves into a certain standard of living/lifestyle out of aspiration, living with the consequences of self-inflicted choices in terms of houses, cars, and holidays.

I hate people offering "helpful" solutions to issues I'm struggling with. Questions, experience or suggestions maybe, but saying "that's just silly" or the dreaded "why don't you" would put my back up and make me feel very defensive. What I often need is to offload, chat, and gain my own sense of perspective, come to my own conclusions.

Saying that, with close friends we always have a balance or take turns to have a good whinge. One of us will often end the night by saying "sorry I've just talked about my shit all night" and the other will always say "no problem, that's what I'm here for, it'll be me next time!" To me that's what good friendship is but people tick differently as evidenced by the posts on this thread.

It sounds like your friend hasn't taken the time to listen to what you might be struggling with or to spend time catching up on the good stuff as well. Maybe if you still want to keep in contact then do something activity-based together, that gives you all something else to talk about and keeps it lighter.

I've been on both sides of this! I have one friend who will attempt to solve my problems by saying "oh! I know a GREAT nanny who's looking for a family!" or "would you think of moving to a bigger house, maybe with a driveway?", neither of which are remotely financially viable.

I also have a friend who ruminates endlessly on minor problems. I tend to say "Oh that sucks! I hope things get better soon. Shall we forget our crappy lives a bit by going to see Bad Moms Christmas and then I'll buy you a pitcher of Margaritas to ease the pain?". She may find me uncaring but she never says no and it seems to cheer her up.

Thanks for the responses. I guess she wasn't asking for a solution and I understand that my response might have belittled the issue but there is a whole lot more background to it. Over the last 20 years she seems to have become more and more bitter and complaining about the life choices she makes to the extent that no-one else gets a chance to talk about anything in their life. I know saying work less is almost flippant but she almost encourages him to work more by saying that well the work needs done and you'll only stress about it otherwise. I can get that the work needs done but ...... working from 6am to 7pm Monday to Friday, almost consistently for the last few years plus working at weekends is going to take it's toll on your health. It is taking it's toll on his health. When you're in the situation you can't see the wood for the trees but from an objective point of view, this is just not healthy. And despite trying various more sympathetic solutions over the years, she will not accept any solution, never mind simple ones so she plods on and wants us to say how great it is that she copes. And yes in the past she has asked for solutions.

I guess I just wanted her to shut up and at least come across as being remotely content about something in her life. And yes our one weekend a year, it's our time too and I certainly don't want it taken up with moaning and complaining all the time, every time. She also talks over people seemingly totally unaware that someone is trying to get a word in. I know it sounds like I should ditch her but the other friend is lovely and I actually really did have a nice time.

I'm one of those people who will rant about my problems (not that I would call it ranting myself!), not so that people can give me solutions, just to be heard.

In my every day life, I am usually the one people come to with their issues, seeking comfort and I give it freely, but sometimes, I'm the one who needs emotional attention. I'm a overanalysing person, always thinking, always looking for solutions, always considering every options, so when I reach the point of being utterly fed-up and miserable and I open up to very selected people, there is nothing worse than those people coming across with supposed solutions and thinking they are being a good friend for doing so, when those solutions are those I have considered already long ago and long dismissed because they don't work. Then when you start saying why these are not feasible, you get criticised for being negative and close minded.

I don't mind being offered solutions at all, but that person needs to appreciate that these have already been considered and therefore not revolutionary ones that should be jumped on as saving all my issues. Most people who let all their baggage out usually only look for some understanding and a big hug that will make them feel much much better than a list of supposed solutions.

Some people enjoy having a good old moan. Leave her alone, she’s actually happy.

It's just offloading your shit onto others though.

And despite trying various more sympathetic solutions over the years, she will not accept any solution, never mind simple ones so she plods on and wants us to say how great it is that she copes.
Oh that should so be me!! Have you considered that maybe she is just getting on with it because the alternative is going to impact on the lives of those she loves and she feels a responsibility to them, so just carries on indeed, but as all of her efforts are being taken for granted, all she needs sometimes is some acknowledgement that indeed, she is coping incredibly well?

I guess I just wanted her to shut up and at least come across as being remotely content about something in her life
She probably sees you as someone she can offload to but clearly this is not the case.

I do sympathise with you though that if you only meet once a year, just hearing how miserable she is and her showing no interest in your life is not going to make the week-end much fun. Maybe it would have helped to let her onload, show some sympathy and telling her that she can have a break this week-end, give her a big hug and then you could have all gone on to have a good time.

And yes our one weekend a year, it's our time too and I certainly don't want it taken up with moaning and complaining all the time, every time.

Too right. I'm not sure why people are criticising you for what you said. You were trying, in a nice enough way, to shut down the topic of conversation and her bloody moaning.

I can't abide people like this. Total fun suckers. Either make a change in your life or STFU.

Other examples:

She cooks everyone in her family separate meals according to what they like then complains because she has nothing she likes herself so just eats their leftovers so how can she possibly lose weight. Other friend said, just cook one meal and they take it or leave it - it's not that simple was the reply.

She doesn't get any time to exercise. She has a cross trainer in the garage but says she can't use it in the evening because she's on her own with the kids because her DH is at work. I couldn't quite understand the issue as her kids are 11 and 8 but she didn't want to leave them sleeping in the house whilst she was in the garage, in the drive, not physically adjoining the house but approximately 2 feet from her back door in case someone broke into the house.

She was rude the way she responded but you were a bit ignorant calling him a 'martyr' especially when you've really no clue how work can be for some people. It SEEMS simple but I can assure you, it isn't always. Work can be like an addiction, or an impossible responsibility (to other people you want to help), or a noose around people's necks. Look at all the nurses etc. Do you think they're happy being exploited to fuck every day? What havent they all just walked out do you think?

You clearly have never properly been in that situation. I haven't either myself, I can always make choices to suit life better but I can see how desperately trapped my DH is by a mixture of the nature of his job and his personality. He works 7 days a week and mostly 14-16 hr days. If you were one of his clients you'd be glad of that.

Your other examples are her own to solve, I agree. The DH work issue is not her call no matter what great suggestions she makes to him.

So YANBU about most of the stuff she whinges about.

In my OP I summarised a lot. I didn't actually use the word martyr, I was just thinking it and used it on here to try to keep things brief. But over previous conversations with her she has explained how serious it is with him - I mean really serious. He shakes before going to work and she has come into the room to find him banging his head off the floor with stress. Now if things have gotten that bad, it's a serious wake up call to sit the fuck down with him and have a darn serious conversation with some demands and lines in the sand. But she said she walked out the room because she was sick of it all. I can understand that she's sick of it all but burying your head in the sand isn't going to make it go away and it gets worse and worse. He is also burying his head in the sand. This is really serious shit and it's like watching a slow car crash. It's been happening over the years and we have tried to offer support, suggestions and solutions over the years but to have our faces snapped at. Yes I'm sure there are really serious mental health issues at stake. And actually seeing all this written down has made me realise how close to the wind they are sailing. I wish I hadn't zipped it now and told her straight that they'll both end up having a mental breakdown if they don't try to sort out this problem for the sake of their kids. It is not insurmountable. They don't have a mortgage, they do have savings. But for the sake of health they need to do something. Waiting for the inevitable car crash is horrible to endure but I can do nothing about it!

Perhaps she feels like it's a slow car crash too but feels powerless to stop it. That's why she wants to offload on friends...

Poor man! If I was his wife I would have to insist that he slows down and work with him towards a solution.
How could she walk out of the room when he was self harming.

I can see why you're fed up with her, but you didn't offer a "solution" at all. I'd have been ready to snap at you for being simplistic and patronising too!

OMG my DM is like this, I have listened to it all my life.

She finds the most difficult way to do anything, then moans and moans about how hard her life is. She never wants to hear any sensible solutions, even if she asks for them, she will always find a reason why she couldn't possibly do that. It's so fucking draining

What's really funny is that one of the things she likes to moan about is her DSis moaning about everything but never listening to her suggestions. So I have to listen for hours to my DM moaning about all the things her sister is moaning about

Yes, work less hours is the aim not the solution.