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Original poster

Is there a point in dating this man?

42 replies

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 27/11/2017 00:21

i stated talking with this guy in OLD, met for a coffee, have been talking on the phone quite a bit since but we have not met again as he travels abroad lot. He rings me and sends photos from wherever he is, but in these long talks I have realised that:

  • He is loaded, I'm not
  • He has come to a point if his life when he has made enough money to semi retire, he is traveling so much as part of this early retirement. Meanwhile, I cannot travel much at all, as I have a child doing GCSEs and his school holidays fall mostly on dates when it is impossible for me to take time off work.
  • He has a frail mother and he helps her by visiting for a few hours after work almost every day when he is in the country (I'm a bit dubious about that but he is from a different culture so this may as well be true). On my side, I have a child who is too old for a babysitter and two young to be left on his own, He lives with me 100% of the time so unless he is having a sleepover or is away camping, I do not have time on my own.

Is there any point in keeping talking with this guy,or any other, given my present citlrcumstances?

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 27/11/2017 00:32

He lives with me 100% of the time

Hhaha are you serious? !

Original poster
NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 27/11/2017 00:36

That means I have no other parent (or any other relative) to send him to over the weekend as most of us divorced people do.

Find it funny? Walk 10 years on my shoes. Hmm

OP posts:
joopy79 · 27/11/2017 00:54

I wouldn't end it for those reasons!
Surely you would eventually introduce him to your partner so you could spend time as a family.
I assume that your son is 14/15 so soon he'll be going out with his friends in the evenings.

CremeFresh · 27/11/2017 01:16

Personally, I would end it , sounds like too much hard work and you obviously have doubts about his mother.

I also have a child that lives with me 100% of the time , so not sure what that remark is about .

VimFuego101 · 27/11/2017 01:20

@NotTheFordType I assume she means her child is living with her 24/7, not the new partner - plenty of reasons why that could happen, none of them very funny.

oldlaundbooth · 27/11/2017 01:20

Why would the child not live with his mother 100% of the time?

DullAndOld · 27/11/2017 01:21

have you thought that he might be a married man stringing you along?
Out of the country a lot, visits his frail mother every day when he is here..
ye right..

DullAndOld · 27/11/2017 01:22

" Why would the child not live with his mother 100% of the time? "

he might live with his father some of the time :)

AcrossthePond55 · 27/11/2017 01:33

Sounds to me as if your life-stages aren't compatible right now. He's got the time and money to travel. You still have to work. He has an elderly mother to care for. You have parental responsibilities. Personally, I think it'd be too much of a pain to try to carve out time together.

How long have you been talking to him?

Original poster
NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 27/11/2017 01:33

Yes, Dull, that possibility has not escaped me. But again, he comes from a culture where family links are very important, and it is not the first person I have dated with a frail relative needing regular visits (many of those with me on tow).

I am planing to ask him the question when he is not expecting it, I have not wanted to do it over the phone as I want to see his body language when I do.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 27/11/2017 01:35

We have been talking for about 6 weeks. But yes, it is difficult to carve time Doyle us, although admittedly, over the last 5 weeks it has been mostly I who has not been available as I work late and weekends at certain times of the year.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 27/11/2017 01:39

My son doesn't see his dad anymore. The reasons are heartbreaking and that is a situation I cannot change, it is not on my hands.

OP posts:
Rainbowandraindrops67 · 27/11/2017 01:39

Run for the hills. He doesn’t sound genuine.
Travelling a lot and visiting a sick relative = married or otherwise in a relationship

DullAndOld · 27/11/2017 01:42

" frail relative needing regular visits "

every day after work for several hours? right OK then...

Original poster
NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 27/11/2017 01:49

Well, my exhusband was also a successful businessman and traveled a lot, as most of our friends. So I do not assume automatically that a person that says to travel a lot is necessarily lying but I agree, it sounds concerning. But again, I want to fire the question away in person, when I can see how he reacts.

The only reason I am not calling it a day yet, is because it is incredibly difficult to find someone with a similar background to mine and he certainly has it. That doesn't mean we are made for each other but definitively helps when it comes to understand each other.

OP posts:
Rainbowandraindrops67 · 27/11/2017 01:52

It’s more the sick relative that’s fishy - even the most dedicated son wouldn’t visit every day.

Rainbowandraindrops67 · 27/11/2017 01:54

And even if he did - he would still call you from the visiting place etc. If she was so sick that he needed to go every day then he wouldn’t be travelling so much for pleasure.

You should of course date, but this is not the man for you.

You don’t need someone from a similar background just someone you have things in common with now

Original poster
NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 27/11/2017 01:56

Dull, my last partner had a mother and step dad with cancer and a frail grandmother who needed checking early in the mornings before work and again after work (Don't start me in the bloody carers as they were most definitely not caring towards the people they were hired to help).

I was there at the hospital, at midnight when the Gran rang for help, And I was holding the hand of my partner when he was crying in frustration for the pressure taking care of these 3 people brought to his life BUT...

I agree with you.

OP posts:
DullAndOld · 27/11/2017 02:06
Grin
whenthestarsturnblue · 27/11/2017 02:11

It does sound a little off, only 6 weeks and you have thesenquestions, he just is not the right fit for you, you know that OP; leave your heart and time open for the person who will be right.

Original poster
NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 27/11/2017 02:12

We are going out this week, shall I say good bye in person, write beforehand or ghost?

OP posts:
StarWarsFanatic · 27/11/2017 02:22

When my Gran was ill my dad used to visit her every day, lived in different parts of the same county so it would be at least an hour and a half travel plus time with her. So it could be genuine.

It doesn't sound like an impossible situation to me, it just depends on what you mean by dating. Your DS isn't far off being able to spend time on his own. As long as you take it slow and you are both comfortable with that it would be doable, at least for now. As long as you are both on the same page about it.

Rainbowandraindrops67 · 27/11/2017 02:51

Go and meet him and ask him about your doubts. Then go on your gut feelings and either call it a day or not

whenthestarsturnblue · 27/11/2017 03:39

What rainbow said, never ghost a person.

Olddear · 27/11/2017 06:24

So who looks after his frail mother when he's out of the country? Her frailty doesn't keep him at home even now he's semi-retired