Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found out my dad is a prolific drunk driver

26 replies

DadIsAMassiveAlcoholic · 26/11/2017 18:36

Apologies for the NC but I really don't want this post associated with my normal MN profile.

Always suspected my dad had alcohol issues, but recently I've found out he's a raging alcoholic who drunk drives on an almost daily basis. Pops out for errands but actually goes and buys vodka and downs it before driving back home.

I strongly suspect he's driven drunk with me in his car - mother to his only grand child Angry if suspected something wasn't right as he was twitching but his driving itself was fine.

He's ashamed we've found out and has asked for forgiveness. No chance. I've told him I'll tell the police if he doesn't stop, and my mum is now policing his accounts and driving.

I'm beyond furious. Hard to discuss with wider family. He's certainly the type to attempt suicide if backed into a corner.

We're supposed to be going round for Xmas dinner but DH and I not sure we can face playing happy families. Gutted for my mum.

Not sure what I want from this but I need to get it out somewhere. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
user1497997754 · 26/11/2017 19:20

He obviously needs help....you and your family need to have an intervention and discuss the way forward with this.

OnTheRise · 26/11/2017 19:33

Alcoholics won't change until they want to, and when you force them into situations they do not react well.

If you stage an intervention you're more likely to do more harm than good.

Your best bet is to work out how you're going to protect people from his drink driving without confronting him: so, you've already told him you'll tell the police if he does it again; make sure you never, ever get in the car with him again; and if he does do it again, tell the police.

As for his drinking, you are not going to change that unless he decides to do it for himself.

Al Anon is a great way to find out how to manage your feelings and reactions to his drinking. It's a great, supportive thing and well worth trying.

YoshimiBigfuckingsigh · 26/11/2017 19:33

I feel for you all. It's terrible dealing with alcoholism. Has your mum only recently realised too? I feel that her attempts to police him will cause her much heartache.

My father used to hide alcohol everywhere. Memorable places include the wheel arch of the car and a sneaky quarter bottle in the toilet cistern. He also ran up debt, remortgaged the house, all sorts to fund it.

I say this because I think the reality can take a long time to sink in and it's awful trying to control or help an alcoholic.

My dad lost his driving license, still didn't stop him.

I have seen many people recommend Al Anon. Might be worth checking out what support they provide.

I know this will sound awful, I am sure you love your Dad, but my advice would be to put yourself first every time. If you need distance take it. If you want to support your mum do it in a way that works for you.

Flowers
PerfectlyDone · 26/11/2017 19:37

If he is STILL driving, please report him to the DVLA.
You can do this anonymously.

user1497997754 · 26/11/2017 19:49

I disagree this is a family issue and concerns them all an intervention is a way in which he will recognise that his drinking effects everyone and that it must be addressed or he will lose his family. No point in just trying to sweep it under the carpet so to speak..He will need the help of his family but needs to be aware that by continuing to drink he will not get it.

Flisspaps · 26/11/2017 19:51

@user1497997754 do you have experience of dealing with alcohol dependency?

SmokeintheR00m · 26/11/2017 19:52

Crime stoppers 0800 555 111 or local police 101 you will need registration of car. I believe some lorry drivers have to submit a breath test daily before they can drive. I would not be surprised if this technology gets rolled out to all cars in the future

Lobsterquadrille2 · 26/11/2017 20:17

Staging an intervention won't help at all. It will back him into a corner and make him defensive and possibly aggressive. If you believe that he has suicidal tendencies then a terrible idea. Definitely right to inform the police if you believe that he's still drinking and driving but the majority of alcoholics are not that bothered about losing their licence - it gives them free rein to drink more. Self pity is a huge issue for many - the old saying "poor me, pour me another drink" rings true for many.
I second the idea of Al Anon but agree that you cannot make anyone better - addiction is an illness that affects the whole family but that only the addict can change, and only when they really, truly want to do so and will go to any lengths to achieve sobriety.

user1497997754 · 26/11/2017 20:23

Not myself personally but within my family and in the end we did have a family intervention....I understand not everyone will agree with this and i accept that ....but for my family it was the right thing to do and it was successful in bringing about change for this family member and with our continued support there has been a significant improvement. I will also say that the family member gave up driving as they were so ashamed and has not driven since.

Original poster
DadIsAMassiveAlcoholic · 26/11/2017 20:41

Thank you very much for your replies, I appreciate them all.

Early indications show he is very much trying to sweep this under the carpet already unfortunately. He's mad that my mum is still angry with him as he wants to "put it behind him". I doubt he will.

He's already hugely in debt because of this - this is what uncovered it. Once when I was much younger he forged a re-mortgage to cover up his debt.

You're right that I have to put us first and I absolutely will. Never getting in the car with him again. Very sorry for the impact this will have on DM, but it's their bed to lie in.

I REALLY want to confront him, but I doubt it will do any good.

OP posts:
Original poster
DadIsAMassiveAlcoholic · 26/11/2017 20:43

user very pleased to hear the intervention worked for your family member. What did it entail?

OP posts:
OliviaBenson · 26/11/2017 20:47

Alcoholism thrives on secrecy so I wouldn't hesitate to get it out in the open. But intervention wise I don't think it works.

Does your mum drive? If not they need to sell the car. But if this has been going on for years your mum is probably enabling him.

It's awful op. My dad is an alcoholic. Get support for yourself and put yourself first. I wouldn't want to spend Christmas with them either.

Mxyzptlk · 26/11/2017 20:54

the majority of alcoholics are not that bothered about losing their licence - it gives them free rein to drink more.

It doesn't matter if he's bothered about losing his licence or not. If he's still drink driving he needs to be stopped from doing it, either by getting his licence taken away or by keeping the car keys hidden, or getting rid of the car.

There's a chance he could kill someone otherwise.

PerfectlyDone · 26/11/2017 20:54

As long as he is in denial and pretending that there is no problem and he wants to 'put it behind him', you (personally, and collectively as a family) are entirely powerless over his addiction.

Please have a look at the Al-Anon website and really understand that you did not cause it, you cannot cure it, and you cannot control it.

If you don't fully buy in to these concepts there is no end of heartache ahead of you. And it won't make your DF any better - I am so sorry Thanks

Please, please report his driving to the police/DVLA.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 26/11/2017 21:07

Mxyz the beginning of the sentence you quoted was "definitely right to inform the police if he is still drinking and driving". I was pointing out that, while it's of the utmost importance that people do not drink and drive and are prevented from so doing, this isn't a deterrent for a confirmed alcoholic. Two separate issues.

Original poster
DadIsAMassiveAlcoholic · 26/11/2017 21:22

Thank you all. Have spoken to DM and she has his car keys. Other family members still living at home and I don't doubt they'd call the police if he somehow got the keys (she'll take them to work) and drove drunk again. Any sniff of him doing it again and I'll certainly ring them myself. All taking it very seriously.

Thanks for the tip re al-anon. I will have a look. I know we didn't cause it and are powerless over it, just not sure I buy into the view that alcoholics themselves are powerless. Maybe that bit doesn't matter so much right now, it's more about maintaining safety.

Thank you all for your comments.

OP posts:
Lobsterquadrille2 · 26/11/2017 21:30

Hi OP, just to answer the powerless part ..... I think it can be taken out of context. In general it's fair to say that the first drink an alcoholic takes is his or her choice. The second, third, fourth etc are the physical craving which results from the addiction. That's where we are powerless but with the tools and the sheer longing to be sober, this can be overcome. Good luck. I have been in AA nearly 10 years and have seen many people, seemingly hopeless and in utter despair, recover and regain all that they had lost. It can be done.

Original poster
DadIsAMassiveAlcoholic · 26/11/2017 21:37

Thank you Lobster that is very helpful and heartening to hear. Congratulations on your recovery!

OP posts:
OnTheRise · 27/11/2017 09:56

Staging an intervention won't help at all. It will back him into a corner and make him defensive and possibly aggressive.

This.

Interventions are more likely to make things worse rather than better, according to the research I've read.

As you've already been advised, put yourself first. Protect your family. Al Anon helps you deal with this in ways which are less likely to make him worse, and which can give him the emotional space to admit there's a problem and deal with it.

Your mother might find it helpful too.

Itsonkyme · 27/11/2017 10:16

You do know that alcoholism is an illness, right.

So what he needs is for you to all acknowledge this fact and try to get him to, get some help for himself.
Attacking him, mentally, verbally and bristling with anger at him, will NOT help the situation at all.
Hiding the car keys and shaming him and being angry with him is not the right way to go.
You need to tell him that, you all know he has a problem/addiction to alcohol and that you understand that it is something that he can't control and he is not a bad person because of it and he has not 'set out' to be a drunk.
And you will all support him if he will try to get better.
Someone needs to get him to a Doctor to start this recovery, I hope you understand that he will die if he can't stop the drinking.
I wish you, your family and your dear father well.

Original poster
DadIsAMassiveAlcoholic · 27/11/2017 15:52

itsonkyme thank you for your reply but I do disagree to some extent. Alcoholism may be an illness, but I fully believe that even in the depths of an illness a person has the awareness and knowledge to understand that drink driving every day is an absolutely horrific thing to do, and deserves shame and anger being bestowed upon the offender.

It's one thing to press your own self destruct button. It's another entirely to take others down with you.

OP posts:
Original poster
DadIsAMassiveAlcoholic · 27/11/2017 15:54

He has also set out to take no responsibility for his health at all for the past 20+ years, waaaaay before any alcoholism took route.

I know he will die from this, so does he and the rest of the family. He is being encouraged to seek help, but as the saying goes "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink"

OP posts:
Itsonkyme · 27/11/2017 16:14

I agree that you can't make him get help.
I just thought that no one was acknowledging the Elephant in the corner and focusing it all on drink driving.
As long as all the family know that he is an alcoholic and he, knows that you all know, then that is all you can do.
Of course, you should stop him drink driving, that goes without saying.
Try to download some stuff from AA and ask him to read it.
There's a sort of check list that he can do, which will indicate that he has a drink problem.
He is in denial, don't let him be. Keep it in the open and make sure that your Mum does also.
Alcoholism thrives on secrecy and denial.
I hope things work out for your family.

Original poster
DadIsAMassiveAlcoholic · 27/11/2017 17:33

Thank you, that's helpful advice. Will have a look at the AA stuff

OP posts:
user1497997754 · 27/11/2017 17:59

Get your dad the book Kick The Drink by Jason Vale it is fantastic and sooo many people have been helped by this read the reviews it really hit home with the family member we were trying to help and they use it as one of the tools to keep sober.