Getting any man/woman/partner you want?

[ReallyPaddy]

Was talking to my friend yesterday. I was saying how I found it odd that some people decide on the sort of partner they want, go for it and, very often, succeed. I understand knowing what you want, I don’t understand how you make the person of your choice want you too! It’s like they have no say in the matter, and invariably for me, that’s not how relationships have worked.

Turns out my friend is one of those people! She said she’d never seen a man she wanted and not been successful. I did try and get to the bottom of how she did this - can’t help but feel it would be a very useful talent - but she wasn’t very specific!

So 2 questions:

1. What are other people’s thoughts on this?
2. How do you do it?!

Your friend has a very high opinion of herself. is talking bollox Just because you fancy someone it doesn't apply that they feel the same.

Well that’s always been my experience OhWhatFuckery (like your name). She does have a high opinion of yourself but I don’t think she was lying.

Of herself! Not yourself.

Manipulation, i would assume, if your friend gets every man she wants.

I dunno if this is relevant to what youre asking but i think a lot of people make compromises to get the life they pictire for themselves.

Example, i know a woman who just wanted to have a baby and be a SAHM and she was early 30s. So in the end, she just got with this guy who is nice enough, and very kind, but not the most exciting person to be around or very good looking. He has a really steady job too and had never had a girlfriend.
Now she is indeed married to him and a SAHM.

The impression i got from talking to him was he wanted a family. When you see them together you can clearly see there is no chemistry there, they dont really laugh together or share views, or even look at each other much.

So basically, they came together out of a singlemindedness. She wanted a baby and not to work. He wanted to be a family man (i guess).

People who get what they want usually do so by applying the same bloody mindedness they would if they were at work. They dont let themselves get swept up in emotion, or their instinct, or what feels right, they approach it pretty clinically: I want X, what do i have that X would want, what are my chances, what plan do i need to execute to make it happen?

These people tend to be more set on protecting their status or the status quo, because again, they will be weighing up benefits, disadvantages, costs, outlay and risk - all in an emotional sense, of course. So in the couple i gave as an example, i would bet quite a lot of money on the fact that if one of them cheated, the other would forgive: they feel they have more to lose by leaving than they do by staying.

In short: the key i think for these people is approaching a person or relationship exactly as you would a work project.

I think your friend thinks you're quite gullible.

I don't think it's entirely true. I certainly don't think your friend is being fully honest, it's likely though that her self esteem is closely tied to attracting men and being seen to be attractive to as many men as possible.

It's possible that when you're very confident (even if it's false confidence masking insecurity underneath) that you can bulldoze people into doing what you want to a certain extent.

It doesn't make for a happy relationship, though.

I don’t know. I think this is plausible if what you want includes someone who is interested in you.

Someone not being interested in me is an immediate turn off to me. What I look for is specifically someone I am attracted to who reciprocates the attraction.

I am not into unrequited infatuations and in fact I don’t think I’ve experienced any since I was about 13/14.

But yes, I think it is very questionable and says you are not a very nice person (in a myriad of ways) if you believe you can manipulate people into a relationship with you whenever you want to.

I agree with Offred. She is probably setting her sights on men who have shown an interest in her anyway and that is what attracted her to them.

I have to admit that when I was much younger, thinner and more attractive, I really could walk around a club, decide who I wanted, and know I would be kissing them by the end of the evening.

It certainly wouldn't happen now though

She is superficially getting the men she "wants" but clearly not the man she "needs".

Is she in LTR or dies she just want casual relationships. Big difference.

Many men I know are quite superficial when it comes to looks. Doesn't get them a good match either.

munky I think there’s a lot in what you say about some people approaching relationships like they’re a project. But no matter how hard you work, or how organised you are, that doesn’t necessarily guarantee your target will play ball (as it were). In the example you gave of that couple I can see how that would work as there was something in it for both of them.

whoo I think confidence must play an enormous part. I guess if someone has the self esteem to make a play for someone they’re attracted to, the target will possibly be very flattered and enter into a relationship. I also think that if you do have a lot of confidence you probably forget very easily the people who aren’t interested and don’t reciprocate.

Offred I wouldn’t be interested either in anyone who wasn’t interested in me. But people like my friend wouldn’t let lack of interest on the other person’s part stop them.

I kind of get this. I approached it from a different angle though to end up with my dh.
I approached it with the singleminded determination to NOT accept certain traits.
I knew quickly what I would and would not tolerate in a personality.
Admittedly I was a hard faced bitch, very intolerant of fools and not too bothered about being single or alone. No compromise.

It was in the olden days though, before mobile dating aps and all that carry on, it was very much talking to people down the pub, or friends of friends, out socializing.

He is lovely my dh, I am very lucky I think, I chose very carefully. (But, you never know what is round the corner either)

She’s in a long term relationship now - we were just talking about this generally.

happy that’s what I don’t understand! I’ve never been able to do that, not even back in the day when I was (not that I thought it at the time) pretty.

I’m not so much puzzled as to how my friend managed this, I’m thinking more generally. You know you hear stories of how some people decide they want to be with someone rich or clever or French or with green eyes or whatever. And they go for it and are successful. How?

I'm related to women who have always been very goal oriented, very focused to find a new partner when they have been single - which was never a long period of time. They do online dating and sort and sift and discard men very quickly until they find the man they want. They don't waste time. They rule out on first red flag or unfavorable demographic immediately - age, location, solvency, drugs - there's no tolerance for these deal breakers. It's just go go go like it's a race and it's treated like job interviews. It appears to be very successful.

@BubblingUp
Exactly.
They make it a mission.

Yes Bubbling - she works out what she wants. But how does she ensure that the men she deems suitable want her?

One of my friends is like this. She got any man she wanted when younger and playing around. She was very confident though and really had a high opinion of herself. She isn't classicslly good looking but she gave off a vibe that men liked. She had some really good looking men in her 20's. When it was time to settle down, she became very goal orientated. She wanted a high earner who wanted children so she could stay at home and that's exactly what she got.

How does she ensure that the man she deems suitable wants her? If he isn't interested, my guess is he isn't around. Right? He is sorting and sifting, too, and if the man rules himself out, the woman just moves on without a second thought.

Ive always got any bloke ive set my sights on. Not always been able to keep them, but if ive pursued someone, its usually worked.

Probably wouldnt work as well now im in my 40s as it did when i was young and beautiful tbf, and I dont have a big opinion of myself. I just think usually its not that hard for a reasonably attractive woman to be able to get a bloke if she wants one, and I guess there is also the fact that I probably would never have pursued a guy that i may have thought was out of my league or was in a relationship already,

Low standards? Maybe she routinely wants the kind of men that would be lucky to have someone like her? Or maybe she just wants casual sex as opposed to a proper relationship, if it's just sex and she's reasonably good looking most men wouldn't turn her down? Then there are some people who are just amazing/very charismatic

she works out what she wants. But how does she ensure that the men she deems suitable want her?

By being an incredibly unpleasant person who is manipulative and unconcerned about the target’s autonomy....

TBF it is a good way to end up with a crappy relationship as well as the foundations of the relationships are all built on dishonesty, manipulation and a lack of respect.

If you want to ensure you can "get" any person you want, learn to deep throat. Despite your personalities being deeply unmatched, he will cling on to the bitter end.

NotTheFordType
that tickled me!

NotTheFordType is spot on

As for your friend, she’s talking out of her ring

I seem to be able to attract any guy I don't want and the ones I do like (which doesn't happen often as I'm super fussy) don't like me back. lol.

I think if you give off a 'i don't care if you like me or not i'm the best' sort of attitude, guys can be more interested in you. I think I tend to change personality slightly around people I do like. Show more of my insecure side, say stupid things etc.
Sounds like your friend walks around like she's the best and if someone didn't want her I imagine she would pretend she didn't want them either.