I know I'm dragging up an old thread here, but I was fascinated to read other women mention this! It's been a huge issue for me and I wanted to say thank you to other women for admitting they've done this too.
I had pretty ok self esteem when I was younger, but the guys I liked had no interest in me and my sister and other women advised me to stop being picky and give men a chance that weren't my type. So throughout my 20s I was in depressing relationships with men I resented having to sleep with and ended up hating.
All bar one were decent men and treated me well or at least okay, but I had zero chemistry with them. It started to destroy my confidence over time. I would meet men at work or elsewhere that I fancied and developed crushes on, who would then be nice to me as they knew I was dating someone and figured I was just being friendly. I'd get more attention from my 'types' than I ever did in highschool/college, as I guess they saw me as 'safe'. It broke my heart, as I knew I couldn't be with them. They made that clear, albeit not in a nasty way. They would just talk to me about other women they liked and were trying to date who were far more attractive.
I then realised I was miserable with the men I was dating and stopped doing that. I had therapy, rebuilt my self esteem and assumed if I got out there and met people and dated then I would eventually meet someone who was my type and liked me in return.
That never happened. I've been single for almost 7 years now. The most attention I've ever had was recently a married boss wanting an affair just to get back as his gold-digger wife (who was also asking me to help her cheat on him). Obviously I do not want to hook up with married men. I want someone that actually wants me as their partner. But finding an attractive (to me) man who is single and likes me seems more and more impossible over time and it's hard realising that people will choose to be in abusive relationships with someone more attractive.
My type definitely isn't celebrities or super fit, tanned model types. I've never found the Brad Pitts of the world attractive. I like tall, socially awkward, a bit nerdy, and nice thighs/ass. I'm fine with grey hair and 'dad bods', don't care how much they earn, what car they drive, what letters they have after their name, etc. As long as they have a brain and can talk about something other than football and TV. I'm not opposed to dating a single dad and raising his child as my own as long as the ex is out of the picture. I think I'm fairly flexible and willing to try most things for someone that I love. I'm definitely not chasing after super attractive men. I think my brain automatically filters them out for me.
I never thought it would be so hard to find someone like that, but no one I meet either online or off seems to be mutually interested and I've had to accept it is entirely my appearance. I thought maybe I should change my personality a bit, dress differently, use different mannerisms, experiment with different things to see if it made any difference. It didn't. A few would act interested, then ghost me. One acted like Prince Charming for a month, then turned out to be the male version of a gold-digger, another seemed okay but admitted to having some morally questionnable fetishes that I really wasn't cool with. I'm actually sad that I didn't even get to sleep with him before I found out, as at least then I could know what good sex felt like. I've also considered paying to have sex with someone I like, as pathetic as that sounds.
Now I'm on my way to 40 and feel like I'm not going to find anyone at this rate. I'm sad that my entire sex life will just be watching porn like some 16 year old teenager (I've actually started watching some just so I can have ANY kind of outlet!). To make it worse, my libido has increased in my 30s and yet all I can get are one night stands/hookups which I've never had any interest in. I need to know a man at least fairly well before I trust him enough to jump into bed. But that doesn't seem to be in the cards for me. I didn't think sexual frustration/rage in women was a thing, but it definitely is for me!
It really gets to me these days, as I see people settling for abusive, cheating, manipulative people whose only redeeming feature is that they look good. Yet I'm not considered attractive enough to date. I'm not hideously ugly or anything, I'm in ok shape still despite no longer being in my 20s, I think I'm a good person. Just not quite good enough for anything serious with any of the men I like. At this point I would get surgery if I had the money, just so I can avoid a completely dead lovelife, but I don't.
People still tell me I should lower my standards and date men I'm not into, as if I will magically find them attractive after a year or two. I know from repeated experience that never happens. It's the complete opposite. And it's always very attractive women that tell me that, which is a bit of a smack in the face when they weren't willing to lower theirs down to my own level.
I don't know what the answer is. Dating has been all but dead during lockdown and I've sort of given up trying as it was burning me out getting my hopes up then getting them crushed over and over. And I recently lost my job, so I can't afford to date right now anyway, even if I magically found someone. It sucks, and I just wanted to share my sympathies with women who have posted here already or who might read this in future.