Is it weird I've never dated anyone I fancy?

[Kellyopio]

I'm in my early 30s now.
I've never dated anyone I actually fancy.
The man I'm seeing now is lovely,but I don't fancy him at all,and the thought of sleeping with him makes me cringe a little.
The men who i do really fancy would never be interested in me.
Is this normal?
I really would love just once to date /even just 1 date with a man I really find attractive.
It might sound stupid but it scares me to think it might never happen.
My type is broad shoulders,bit of a beard(if you've been watching X factor Matt type)
Never in a million years would someone like him look twice at me.
It makes me feel sad.
Will I ever fancy any one I date?

I can understand the idea of dating someone that you think is a great guy but whose looks don't instantly bowl you over, in the hope that he'll grow on you over time. But actually cringing is not good. There has to be a bit of attraction at least, to work on! They have to be in some way fanciable - the right height, nice eyes, something.

What is it about you that you think these bearded types won't like? Do you feel nerdy looking compared to their rugged sporty looks or something? Can you pinpoint why you're convinced they won't like you?

Seems odd to me, I have to fancy someone to want to date then

I'd rather date nobody at all than date someone I wasn't attracted to.

Spending time with people you find nice and interesting is great, but not if they will expect to kiss you and you don't want to.

I think this happens. But normally at a much earlier age. I'm surprised you haven't sorted this in your head by now. I like Chris hemsworth for example. But by am early age I knew very very good looking people go out with similarly very good looking people.

Sometimes people date someone 'out of their league'. But not that often.

At 12/13 or 14 you ascertain where you are in the pecking order. I'm no beauty, but I can scrub up well. I'm not naturally pretty. I've gone out with people of a similar 'status'.

Why has this not been sorted in your mind, years ago?

I've never sat down and thought about where I fit in the "pecking" order.
I just feel like I'm never good enough for some particular people.

Depends on whether you meet them in real life or online, too, obviously. In real life you might have seen them quite a bit before you start dating, so you know you fancy them. With online dates, in some cases you know instantly that they turn you off, but some people's looks grow on you. You can see the potential but want to date a bit more to be sure. I wouldn't want to turn down an interesting online date because I wasn't instantly struck dumb by their looks.

The man I'm seeing now is lovely,but I don't fancy him at all,and the thought of sleeping with him makes me cringe a little

See, I wouldn't even have a second date with someone I felt that way about.

What exactly is it that you think makes you not good enough, then?

Where are you meeting people OP?

I don’t agree there’s a pecking order (outside of high school anyway).
Everyone has such different opinions on what they consider attractive and what they are looking for in a partner.

I understand this entirely op and I'm mid 40's and in the same boat!

I spent 25 years with a man I never found attractive.

In my case it definitely stems from self esteem issues and a disfunctional childhood.

I went out with men that found me attractive, it seemed rude not to! .

I never imagined my wedding day when I was a child or being happy with a partner. Who would want me??

I have had a recent epiphany and now that I am not prepared to settle and actually want to find someone I find physically and emotionally attractive, I find that the men that are interested in me are not my type at all. I do get a fair amount of interest but single men in my age group are thin on the ground anyway so I think that becoming more picky may have relegated me to the singles bench for life anyway

I am lucky that I love my single life. I have freedom to choose my path for the first time. It's been a revelation.

Good luck op. It may not be "normal" but you are certainly not on your own

Pecking order isn’t the phrase I would use and I agree that people find different looks attractive but I agree in very broad terms with Oblomov.

I think most people work out their realistic ballpark when they’re young. They can get it spectacularly wrong - overestimate or underestimate their own attractiveness. And that doesn’t cover individual taste. Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp do absolutely nothing for me for example.

If you’re normal looking and you fancy move star or model looks it’s not likely to result in dating success.

But equally you need to figure out why you think you’re not good enough for certain people. Because it may just be a self esteem issue.

Oh I forgot to say that you also need to figure out what personalities you’re attracted to.

You say attraction tends to wane rather than grow which indicates that you’re going for people you find attractive superficially but then you don’t have enough in common to build a lasting attraction.

My ex who I was with for 7 years was completely not my type at all. Of course it didn't help that he was male . Zero attraction but thought we got on well.

I came out as gay so probably not the best one for advice, but if there is a part of you cringing at him then please please end it! It never gets better it just gets worse and worse.

You sound very negative about yourself. Why would you think someone you are attracted to wouldn't be attracted to you?? Have you ever attempted to approach someone you fancy before, even online dating? I think you would be pleasantly surprised if you did. You have to get out of your current relationship asap.

Yeah. Sorry. I didn't really mean 'pecking order'. Wrong phrase. Or right phrase, it's just I didn't mean it to be that 'strong'.
But what I really mean is for most, at a very young age, it dawns on you how .......attractive you are.
I'm no cindy Crawford. I'm not gonna get with Richard gere. (Old fashioned joke). I'm no 'pretty woman' (film).
Don't you know your own natural level of attractiveness? It doesn't require much thought. I was always aware. Without having to think about it.
And I don't lack confidence. But I'm aware how nice/bright/funny/attractive etc I am. Roughly. In the very back of my mind. On the scales, according to my peers.

Very average women, like myself,can look at very beautiful women, and appreciate how stunning they are.

And also appreciate, like pp said, that they aren't going to date superstars/models etc.

And then you, subconsciously, presumably, change/adapt your expectations, who you find attractive.

TurvyTopsy, that sounds like me! I left my husband and now I have a boyfriend who, while not my “type” if I’d ever stopped to think about it, is a lovely guy, funny, clever, devoted to me, finds me attractive and I find him very attractive and we’re very compatible physically! I’d never even thought I could have all that, for some reason, I thought that “friends you feel warmly towards” thing was the best it got. I was so wrong!

I don't actually mind now I look.
I get told I'm "pretty" whatever.
It's more a inside feeling of never being good enough.
I would never chat anyone up ever...
I only really online date.
On tinder the guys I think WOW never used to match with me.
Met current guy on tinder.

thefifthkey I'm really pleased that you have found someone that you feel that way about at last It gives me hope that my Mr AttactiveToMe is out there too. Whatever happens I won't be settling for less again.

I would develop a sudden interest in womens' rugby, join your local club and start training and socialising there. Plenty of friendly, attractive broad shouldered and bearded men!

Does sound like a problem with low self-esteem tbh, rather than you just wanting people "out of your league". You have to be convinced there is something about both of you that makes you desirable.

Are the WOW ones so good-looking that they are probably overrun with offers? Or is that just your own personal wow? I also like broad shouldered types, for instance, but am absolutely fine with their waist also being broad. Actually quite like a bit of a bear type. So the men I "like" are not all flat-stomached babe magnets :)

Seriously just get off Tinder, it's a superficial system of finding people to date based purely on looks. Maybe try a different site that focuses on personality as well as looks. Definitely sounds like you need to work on your self esteem though...

Self esteem seems a big factor in this. A lot of what you say reminds me of me. (Not that I would recommend it) I have always been better at chatting up and successful with people I found really attractive when I have been a bit drunk. I think the drink stripped me of my self esteem hang ups and reserve. That's how I met my ex wife who was IMO totally out of my league. Kind people say I am pretty attractive but I find it hard to see my self this way. But even being not bad looking is no good if you have no self esteem. What good is skill if you don't make it to the dance (bonus points for getting the origin of the quote)? But I think the last two years my self esteem and confidence has improved 10 fold (good thing too as I hardly go out drinking anymore). And I have found someone I really like.

Think it’s partly a self esteem issue and partly rather superficial criteria.

You really need to work on your self confidence as I’ve no doubt that guys exist with whom you can have mutual attraction.

But currently you’re looking at guys you think are wow who are going for girls they think are wow and for whatever reason that’s not you. That will probably confirm your inner belief that you’re not good enough, when really you’re just going for the wrong people.

Think less about appearance and more about the kind of personalities that attract you.

I get this. I've never been asked out by a man I was supremely attracted to, as in butterflies in the stomach, sweaty palms, that kind of thing. I'm naturally attracted to gregarious, confident men, but only attract shy, quiet men, the kind you have to pull conversation out of with a pair of pliers. I always feel like I'm dating the wingman. Nice guys, but...