Not sure what to do

[terrified101]

Just hoping someone is there and listening. I can't give too much away because it's potentially outing.

Husband has anger issues. He dealt with a very stressful situation today involving his extended family - something that's caused conflict between us in the past. It's very complicated and difficult.

He has taken his anger out on me in the past - usually verbally. Tonight in a rage he threw a cushion at my face. Yes, a cushion - but hard enough to leave a red mark on my face. We have four lovely kids. Thankfully they were all in bed asleep.

I just need someone to hold my hand. Am sitting in a dark room alone knowing a huge line has been crossed....

Ps - random question but does anyone know how to update settings so I don't get an email anytime anyone answers on this thread? Thanks!

And just when I tried to talk about it quietly - after me saying 'we can work this out' etc, despite his violence last night, he accuses me of 'not letting things go and being aggressive'.

then I texted him (ridiculous I know but kids everywhere) to try to calmly get a point across he then said he was deleting my messages.

This really is not okay.

It's definitely not ok. It's far too big a thing for him to sweep it under the carpet. You will end up either bring afraid of him or him being in such a rage that you will have to leave. A line has been crossed.

I'm very much afraid the ultimatum is the only way. Any chance his parents might die soon? My mother had a great friend who had a friend that used to constantly be upset about his father - every time they met the conversation would go on for hours about the father. They met by chance on the street once and the man was in great form. My DM's friend asked after the father and the man said 'oh, he died!'. He couldn't step back until death did it for him.

My DH often says he won't be able to have a real relationship with his DB until his DM is dead. Until then it has to be polite chit chat as everything gets repeated back and causes rows (even innocent things that are nothing to do with PIL).

I think a good counsellor or psychologist is the only answer here. Your DH has to see that 1) he isn't the only person in the world with toxic parents 2) he needs to put his own life first and 3) he needs to act quickly so as not to lose his wife and children who actually truly love him.

I used to find it so frustrating when DH would go back for more abuse when he was safe and loved at home. He was lucky I didn't leave tbh. And I absolutely love him with all my heart, but he was dragging unnecessary shit into our home.

You are so wise Ballyhoo. Thanks.

No chance of his parents dying anytime soon. TBH, right now it feels like he is more interested in saving his relationship with them, rather than his relationship with me. He says sorry for losing his temper and taking his anger out on me but then when we try to have a calm conversation he blows up/stonewalls/walks out. It feels impossible.

And yes. I am really beginning to resent him dragging unnecessary shit into our home. I had a pretty rubbish childhood and lost both my parents and my sister. I don't let this touch our marriage.

Can he have a relationship with them without you and the children being part of it?

I must be honest and say that although on MN it is recommended I don’t think anyone should EVER ask their spouse to cut contact with their own parents.

It’s complicated but part of a persons self identity and self belonging plus an attachment is present that causes so much pain when severed.

It is only when the person is ready emotionally that they should do it off their own back. Otherwise they tend to blame their spouse!

Best to say you have a relationship but me and the kids aren’t and I’m not going to discuss any further.

The cushion thing - first time in twenty years - I wouldn’t let it kill my marriage on its own.

Not the first time he's been explosive - he loses his temper very quickly and will shout/swear/slam doors. Second time he's thrown something at me.

I'd be very happy for him to see parents alone but stay out of it. Trouble is, he wants kids to have relationship with them. I said - I think this is entirely reasonable- that if they want a relationship with our children they have to apologise for past behaviour and promise not to let kids pick up on toxic attitude (they have in the past).

But they won't apologise. And DH thinks I should just accept it and allow it. If I told you all the stuff they've done it would take a whole other thread but in short they are v fucked up, negative people.

Is the main row because he wants them to see the DC and you don't? Are there any circumstances that you would allow it, apart from apologies and promises?

Could you let the apology go (I'd imagine it would be meaningless) and allow contact with the promise from DH that at the first sign of negativity the deal is off, never to be spoken about again? With a list of concrete deal breakers.

I don't know what they've done in the past or I might be saying there's no way your DC should ever see them, under any circumstances.

The other thing is, he shouldn't be putting his parents before his children. Grown adults. Children.

Have a look at trauma bonding. When DH was agitated he'd run off to his parents, because it was such ingrained behaviour. Mum unhappy=severe anxiety. Mum pleased=anxiety less severe. Anxiety=must see Mum, help Mum.

I did once offer exactly that...let apology go, ok for them to see kids, I stay out of it. (Their response was so bad that a) there's no going back for me without acknowledgement/apology and b) DH told them then that was it. But of course, he wasn't /isn't able to stick to that. He kept going back to try to resolve things.

I have tried to be reasonable and supportive on this issue, but DH doesn't seem to respect my feelings or boundaries. It's like he wants us all to pretend his parents aren't toxic people, despite everything that's happened.
And of course, the bigger picture is that he's taking all his shit out on me and fucking up our marriage in the process.

And no, he shouldn't be putting his parents before his children or his wife. And I think he thinks he doesn't put them first - he went years without physically seeing them until recently - but by taking all this shit out on me (and by proxy, our kids) he is doing just that.

I think you have to seriously think about leaving. You have to have a plan and be prepared to put it into action, for your own sanity and safety. I'm so sorry.

Thanks Ballyhoo. I'm interested to know what rings the biggest alarm bell with what I just said? Your responses so far have been suggestive that we might be able to work it out and drawing on your own experience etc. I'm not sure we can work it out either, but would love to get your opinion if you have a moment. Thank you so much. You have been a great help xx

The more you write the more doubts I have. He is far too much in the FOG and enmeshed in their toxic behaviour

Sorry for the delay, OP. It's because something terrible already happened, and he said that was it, and then went back to them again.

In lots of ways, I think you might find it useful to think of him as an addict and them as the addictive substance. It's about deciding what part of his behaviour is acceptable to you. You can't actually do anything with him, you can only decide what you're going to do, but you must follow through.

Examples.
You can see them but I don't want them mentioned in my home.
You can see them but you can't come home here in a bad mood because of them.
The children can't see them.
You must go for anger management counselling.

If these rules are broken, then the marriage is over. But that just can't be a threat, it's a boundary, and only you yourself can apply it. You're the only person who can decide what you can and cannot accept in your home.

Your boundary might be more simple - you tell him that the DC are not seeing them, and you won't ever be discussing it further. If he tries to discuss it, you leave the room. (Like ignoring a drunk person.) You refuse to engage in any conversations about his parents. Leave the room. Go out. Don't argue. (Don't be a passenger in a car with him btw, you need to be able to pull over and get out of the car.)

If he complains that you won't talk, just say you will never change your mind so there is no point.

If he is in a bad mood around the house because of them, go out and take the DC with you. Or play a game with them in the other room, or bake or something light hearted. Make sure his mood is not affecting any body else's behaviour. Plan your life regardless of what's going on with him.

He is being completely unreasonable and you need to withdraw with love and compassion. Don't get sucked into his drama. Give your reasons for them not seeing the children and never vary. Don't listen, don't support, don't sympathise, don't engage. Don't be an enabler. It's your life too, OP, not just his.

Do you have any idea what is wrong with his parents? My MIL was abused emotionally, physically and sexually. But my DH directed his anger at her parents rather than at her, while allowing her to wound him. He just couldn't face the reality of what she was like to him, and kept allowing her to hurt him over and over and over. Poor Mum.