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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Not sure what to do

68 replies

terrified101 · 24/11/2017 22:46

Just hoping someone is there and listening. I can't give too much away because it's potentially outing.

Husband has anger issues. He dealt with a very stressful situation today involving his extended family - something that's caused conflict between us in the past. It's very complicated and difficult.

He has taken his anger out on me in the past - usually verbally. Tonight in a rage he threw a cushion at my face. Yes, a cushion - but hard enough to leave a red mark on my face. We have four lovely kids. Thankfully they were all in bed asleep.

I just need someone to hold my hand. Am sitting in a dark room alone knowing a huge line has been crossed....

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Original poster

terrified101 · 24/11/2017 23:48

And you know, I hugged him back and said 'you know, we can make choices'...as in 'we choose not to let all this shit with your family destroy our marriage, and you choose to control your temper' , and he said 'no we don't get to make choices'.

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Original poster

terrified101 · 24/11/2017 23:51

Added to which our living/financial arrangements are complicated right now - I can't say exactly because it would be v outing. But it would be very difficult for him to leave - or me to leave with four kids right now.

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Original poster

terrified101 · 24/11/2017 23:55

I guess I feel very conflicted. On one hand without this issue I would have said our marriage is strong. But he can't seem to cope with this issue, which won't go away. He can't seem to put us first, or control his temper.

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Apileofballyhoo · 25/11/2017 00:24

It sounds very similar to my DH and I except he has cut his parents off emotionally now, and spends very little time with them at all. As I said, I'd be more sympathetic towards them now.

He used to get very upset, very angry and defensive. He has been for some counselling. Largely, if contact is low, there are few crises. If they started stirring shit again I'm not sure how it would go. NC probably. It took years to get here, and took spectacularly bad behaviour by MIL to get him to see how crazy and toxic she can be.

I'm not sure where the resolution lies for you. Your DH needs an awful lot of help. Could this be the rock bottom that changes things for him?

Original poster

terrified101 · 25/11/2017 00:31

Thanks so much Ballyhoo...I really appreciate your responses so much. I'm sitting here in a pitch black room just reeling. Weirdly I feel unable to cry which is rather unlike me.

I don't know if this is rock bottom for him. We've had, like you, spectacularly bad behaviour from his parents. He has said 'fuck you' to them but always, always creeps back to them trying to get their love/change them...it's like he cannot accept that they're never going to be the parents he wanted. And he takes it all out on me.

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Apileofballyhoo · 25/11/2017 00:32

My DH was so defensive about his mother for so long. It's a very hard thing to admit to yourself that your parents don't love you as it's so unnatural. Or that they don't love you enough to do whatever they need to do. I often think it's more damaging if it's your mother - as fathers walk out all the time it seems, but mothers stay, mothers defend, mothers protect. Or at least they are supposed to. Just musing - I've no idea of what your PILs are like!

And I've no advice other than get him help, and get yourself help. You need outside perspective on this too. I know you don't want to give details here for fear of being identified, but you need to talk to a good counsellor to help you get things straight in your own head.

Original poster

terrified101 · 25/11/2017 00:32

If anything you'd think it would make him more appreciative of the love and stability we had together...but no.

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Original poster

terrified101 · 25/11/2017 00:36

Ballyhoo - do you have kids? One of our problems is that DH seems the think that the kids MUST have a relationship with them, even though our kids picked up on their toxic behaviour. I'm not willing to let the kids have contact with them if they continue to be so toxic..but DH is trying to force it.

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terrified101 · 25/11/2017 00:39

And ballyhoo - it's both his parents who are dreadful - mother and father!

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Disquieted1 · 25/11/2017 00:46

Is he still awake? If so, show him this thread and ask him to post.
Maybe seeing it in black and white will impact.

Apileofballyhoo · 25/11/2017 00:53

I know exactly what you mean. I once had a screaming match with DH to stop him from going up to his parents' house. I used to beg him not to phone her, not to tell them stuff - they knew details of his private life that parents shouldn't know, and I had no intention of them knowing anything when my private life became intertwined with his.

He was in bad form a few days ago and I suggested he call down to them and he said ' are you fucking crazy? You go down and see how cheery you feel afterwards ' We both just started to laugh then. But a few years ago I would have been pissed off with how much time he'd spend there and how he'd come back upset and stressed. My MIL is on medication now so she's not as bad. But she can flip and interfere and tell terrible lies. She's like a young teen in an adult body.

From my own perspective I asked my DF why he couldn't be arsed being a better father (very short version) and he said he was very sorry (also short version).

I think with my in laws there was always potential for a peaceful coexistence - once DH pulled away and stopped letting them bully him. They mind their Ps&Qs better now. My BIL and DH say to them now whenever they say something critical 'don't worry I left my self esteem at the gate on the way in, I knew it wouldn't be needed here '. So it's actually got to the joking stage, even with them. Mainly down to the worst happening I suppose. I can't say too much either!

I really really hope something good comes out of this. You hit it on the nail with he can't accept they're never going to be the parents he wants. That's what keeps sending him back for more shit.

It's natural for children to want to please their parents - and for their parents to be pleased and proud. It's part of the bond. It's very difficult to go against it.

Disquieted1 · 25/11/2017 00:55

^
Actually, maybe this isn't a great idea.

Apileofballyhoo · 25/11/2017 01:01

We have a DS but they've minimal interest in him so it's fine. It was harder when he was younger as I was breastfeeding and I should have been formula feeding and adding baby rice to the bottle. And lots more.

Honesty, months go by where MIL doesn't see DS at all, even when we lived in the same village. My DM lives a 4 hour drive away and she'd be horrified if she hadn't seen DS in 2 months.

I think they've learned if they started criticising DS, or the way we parent him, there would be a huge row so they have learned to keep their mouths shut. So they don't say it to our faces anymore.

Apileofballyhoo · 25/11/2017 01:06

My FIL can be terrible too, in that he can be very critical, possibly more so than MIL in some ways, but he is more reasonable in other ways - unless MIL has been upset by anyone, in which case they are the devil incarnate. So they can be very much the toxic team! I could write a book on them. I did think of it at one stage but I think I'd have to wait till they are dead.

Original poster

terrified101 · 25/11/2017 01:12

It sounds like your situation has been stressful ballyhoo, but quite a lot healthier now...this is good to hear. It sounds like you and DH are a team, which i something I used to feel with DH but don't now. I feel like he has just become more and more fucked up about the situation. He knows how nuts and wrong the are...but it reached a point today where he began to sound like them, venting hatred at me.

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Original poster

terrified101 · 25/11/2017 01:14

'They' are, I meant. And worst of all, he did hit me. With a cushion, but as one poster pointed out - he hit me with it, hard, in my face.

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Original poster

terrified101 · 25/11/2017 01:16

'Toxic team' is a wonderful description! Perhaps you are my sister in law?! 😉

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Apileofballyhoo · 25/11/2017 01:18

I hope it's his rock bottom, OP. He really needs to talk to somebody neutral, and get himself to the stage where he can take our leave his parents.

Apileofballyhoo · 25/11/2017 01:21

BIL isn't married and other BIL lives abroad! But I was just thinking how we all think our situations are unique, but just like the threads on here where a H is having an affair and follows a script, toxic in laws are similar!

Apileofballyhoo · 25/11/2017 01:23

MIL used to go on about DS not loving her. But she still didn't want to put effort in, so that was that.

BackInTheRoom · 25/11/2017 01:39

@terrified101
I fear the less connected you are to your DH, the more he'll swing to his parents?

Original poster

terrified101 · 25/11/2017 08:51

That may be true, Bibbi. But it's his choice - put his wife first or let his parents destroy his marriage. I'm really beginning to lose respect for him - he behaves exactly like a child.

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Apileofballyhoo · 25/11/2017 08:59

How are you feeling this morning, OP?

RandomMess · 25/11/2017 09:12

Hope you are feeling ok, I think you should issue the ultimatum of therapy. Outside input to tell him his DC should not be around his parents etc and separate therapy for his anger. Otherwise it's marriage over because his anger isn't going to go away and he thinks you are in the wrong

Original poster

terrified101 · 25/11/2017 09:18

Thanks random. I think you're right.
Ballyhoo - thanks. We're sort of pretending nothing's wrong in front of the kids and acting like everything is normal. He hugged me when we had a quiet moment which I know is an attempt to say 'sorry' and move on.

But I feel like I can't really move on at this point. It's only a matter of time before the ugly issue rears its head again, and his temper explodes.

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