You guys need to go easy on yourselves. Think of it like a major operation as it's the emotional equivalent. If you had a heart operation, would you all expect to be back on your feet and rushing around like normal? No you wouldn't. You would be in hospital for a week, resting at home for months and maybe getting back to something like normal six months later. This is no different, you just need time to heal.
Women are more caring by nature. Watching other people suffering does not come easy.
However, you must remember that you (and they) are in this position for a reason, in most cases and as described, it is because your husbands/partners have not lived up to expectations, have been abusive/continue to be and are not the person you thought would make you happy forever.
Relationships are hard to break away from as everyone has a fear of loneliness and living in abject misery for the rest of your lives. It is worse nowadays due to social media and the constant bombardment of "happy families" everywhere. These images are not always what they seem!
I have been through this 20 years ago. It was painful, emotions were all over the place but I and many others who have been through this will testify that it does get better slowly but surely, life moves on, good parenting can happen with respect and cooperation on both sides and you can move on and in time, if it is what you want, then you will meet someone else who you can be happy with.
Life is short. My parents died in their 60's after years of a very abusive and unhappy marriage. My mum spent 80% of her life with a controlling and abusive man who didn't make her happy. What a waste.
So my advice is be strong, always refer back to why you are in this position and carry it through. Don't rush back into dating. There are many men who take advantage of vulnerable women. It's easy to search for validation from another person when you feel lonely but believe me it doesn't end well in the early stages and can cause you more pain.
So grieve for what might have been, try and stay civil and let the healing process take effect. Don't rush into another relationship and use the time you have to really reflect on things and perhaps find some new interests that can help you understand what you are all about before you move on.
Good luck. It's a very brave decision that you have all made. Many don't and live in misery all their lives for the sake of the children. As a parent of older children, believe me, you get no thanks and they lose interest in you once they become adults anyway!