Brown envelope & crazy grandparents?

[Bella8]

Hi, my DH's parents became estranged 2 weeks after DS was born. It was DH's decision as he didn't want their unhealthy behaviour around our son but it was actually DH's Dad that initiated the estrangement. They are very difficult people to please and have caused DH so many issues over his lifetime that he actually had to have therapy to help him; even the therapist who said she always encourages saving relationships at all costs in this rare case actually agreed that his parents were infact better off estranged as they are bad for his health!
After the estrangement no contact has been made from both of his parents and they haven't contacted myself once to make any effort to see their only grandchild and have no interest in doing so. Well fast forward 8 and half months and DH's birthday comes up. Knock at the door and sent recorded delivery a birthday card appear in a 'typed out' brown envelope (not the original envelope the birthday card came in.) The card looks like it has been deliberately chosen to contain no words and has the cocky statement on the front 'happy birthday hope you have a spring in your step.' Then inside just Mam and dad with line underneath.

Dh is furious with this and believes they are being funny by sending this and can't understand why they have printed his name and address on the envelope when they don't ever do this. Also DH is annoyed and feels that this is their way of getting a dig rather than genuinely wanting contact and reaffirms that they aren't bothered about their grandchild.
What does everyone think of this?

Your outlaws sound very similar to mine, we are six years into being completely no contact and we honestly have never been happier. My dh also got a card the first birthday after going nc, I realised who it was from though and waited until a couple of days after his birthday to show him it. He just binned it but was upset, as it brought all of the feelings of hurt, anger and upset back to the surface!

Thankfully we haven't had any cards/ letters or contact for years now.

Enjoy your ceremonial burning and a few drinks together. Maybe talk about how happy you are now they are unable to cause upset! Happy birthday to your dh!

When I read 'brown envelope' I presumed there was going to be cash in it. It was t tampered with before you opened it, was it? grasping at straws

TheWererabbit Thanks for your kind message. Sort you've had to go through estrangement too and all of the disappointment that brings; I really could relate to it. Your monther sounds toxic and you're better off away from her and your dad if that's the way they go on. DH's dad had a hold over him for all of his life as he was very manipulative, controlling and his way or the highway kind of person and abit of a bully. Although dh has managed to break away it still causes him a great deal of anxiety at the thought of what they'll do next. Like you said this anxiety is difficult to shake and only those that have been through it will understand fully.
Similarly to your ds has been grieving for the parents he wish he'd had. I think he wanted them to take an interest in their grandbaby just to prove him wrong but no such luck. And this makes him angry and upset because he cannot get his head around their behaviour. So a card coming through the post in his manner triggers a lot of emotions for DH; he's had to stop himself reacting no matter how much he wanted to because he knows this will play into their hands.

Thanks CaledonianQueen the ceremonial burning sounds like fun...I think DH will want to light a left over sparkler from bonfire night and at same time!
It good to know that you just received one year's birthday card and then they stopped. I certainly hope that's the case for us as well. I think if people estrange themselves and no contact than why send weird cards? It's false but I guess they are false people and just trying to get a reaction.

Shankarankalina Haha pigs will fly before with or DH's parents part with any cash; contact or no contact.

Sorry*

Mother you

either of*

Birthday card aside, I do t understand why you seem so hung up on them seeing your son.

While you were pregnant they didn't speak to you regarding demands for Christmas presents at a certain cost. So DH wants space away from his Father (totally understandable) but yet his father decides to make his pernanent by not allowing you over and a host of other shit. They haven't seen it spoken to your DH, their son for 8 months and yet you are saying 'well they could have contacted me to see DS'

Why? Just why? Why on earth would you want them to? Your DH clearly has realised they are fucked up, he has had counselling etc and you are hell bent on making this about their grandson and they could have contacted you, seen him etc etc.

I wouldn't want my kids anywhere near these people

umizoomi Normally people have grandchildren and want to see them. I wasn't staying i 'wanted' them to see my son but stating how it's odd they don't and not the 'norm' so to speak. DH isn't bothered about them seeing him he couldn't give a flying monkey as he's never had a great relationship with them!! But a grandparent grandchild relationship should be separate from yours and you shouldn't confuse the two. The fact they have behaved the way they have over our sons lifetime is what has hurt DH the most so yes certainly he doesn't want them to see our son now as their behaviour is disposable we yes we DO NOT want that around our child.

Thanks for your opinion...

saying*

dispicable so+

The relationship isn't seperate when they are so unreasonable and your opening line in the OP is 'their unhealthy behaviour around our son'

If they had fallen out with you, DIL but they were still in touch with their son, I can understand they would want to see their gS.

But they haven't shown ANY interest in their own son and yet you think it's odd they want to see HIS son and you think you could facilitate this relationship?

Lucky escape you have had. Let sleeping dogs lie

umizoomi I don't agree, in my opinion it's a separate relationship. I actually have a friend whose dc see her mother even though she has absolutely nc with her mother herself....clearly nothing is black and white.

And yes we have finally escaped them as we've had the 'pleasure' of them in ours lives for the last 14 years...

And no we haven't wanted them in our son's lives after their disappointing behaviour. This wasn't always the case as we did used to think they would be okay as DH's Mother was excited for a grandchild but evidently it hasn't worked out. We tried to see the best in these people and believe they would be amicable at least. Obviously this wasn't to be and now we are clapping are hands we don't have to deal with them. Severing a relationship with anybody is difficult but with both of your own parents this has been extremely difficult for DH and an emotional journey to say the least. A bout of therapy doesn't fix everything but time is a healer and once the first year is over hopefully the anxieties will calm on his part. Fingers crossed we won't hear from them at Xmas.
Thank you for all of the helpful replies and it was especially helpful to hear from those in similar situations.
Cheers...

our*

My narcissistic mil actually went to the trouble of faking her handwriting and getting people she knew to post to me from various parts of the country. And if have cryptic messages in them too. They went in the bin.