Brown envelope & crazy grandparents?

[Bella8]

Hi, my DH's parents became estranged 2 weeks after DS was born. It was DH's decision as he didn't want their unhealthy behaviour around our son but it was actually DH's Dad that initiated the estrangement. They are very difficult people to please and have caused DH so many issues over his lifetime that he actually had to have therapy to help him; even the therapist who said she always encourages saving relationships at all costs in this rare case actually agreed that his parents were infact better off estranged as they are bad for his health!
After the estrangement no contact has been made from both of his parents and they haven't contacted myself once to make any effort to see their only grandchild and have no interest in doing so. Well fast forward 8 and half months and DH's birthday comes up. Knock at the door and sent recorded delivery a birthday card appear in a 'typed out' brown envelope (not the original envelope the birthday card came in.) The card looks like it has been deliberately chosen to contain no words and has the cocky statement on the front 'happy birthday hope you have a spring in your step.' Then inside just Mam and dad with line underneath.

Dh is furious with this and believes they are being funny by sending this and can't understand why they have printed his name and address on the envelope when they don't ever do this. Also DH is annoyed and feels that this is their way of getting a dig rather than genuinely wanting contact and reaffirms that they aren't bothered about their grandchild.
What does everyone think of this?

Bin it and do not give this any more power than it already has. Your DH is right; it is their attempt furthermore to regain power and control.

Do not send it back; they will know you have received it. You must not acknowledge this card in any way. Radio Silence from you is needed.

To be *

They sent it like that so that they would get a rise out of you. Which they have managed to do.

Next time you receive any registered mail have a look and see if there's a sender's address given--there should be. If it's from them you can just refuse it.

Meanwhile, bin this card, and try not to stew about it. Don't let them live in your head. If you do think of them, celebrate that they're not interested in your lovely child. It means he won't ever have to deal with them, and that's a good thing.

They sound horrible and I wouldn't want them near my child, grandparents or not.
However, I don't understand how the message on the front of the card is 'cocky'?

Thanks everybody, unfortunately there was no sender address and it looked so official that dh really didn't know what it was. It was sent recorded delivery signed for so they will unfortunately know that it has been received.
The reason dh was annoyed with the card quote is because they are the type of people that like to give you cryptic messages and mess with your head. The quote really means hope you're happy bet you've got a right spring in your step you think you're great etc. We know this because of their past comments and behaviours.
I agree with pp we will certainly be checking for asking the postman for any sender addresses in future and declining to accept if it's them.
We are thinking burning ceromony coupled with drinks, left over cake whist celebrating they aren't in our beautiful baby boys life; they wont get to cause him the utter torment they've caused his Daddy.

" type of people that like to give you cryptic messages and mess with your head. "

Ah, OK.

All that they have done is wasted time & money.

It's not worth trying to work out what the message means, if anything.

All that you know is that you're better off without them.

I agree with diddl. Don't spend any time at all trying to work out what this cryptic message means. Get rid of the card. Have a lovely time with your DH and child. Stop thinking about them. All will be well.

Yes, I agree it is a bit of a way of getting a dig. I would ignore it for now, but store it away just in case. In the future, if this continues and he doesn't want it to, you can take legal steps to prevent them contacting you, but you'll want to have evidence, so I would keep it as a record.

We have no contact with my dh's mum and her partner. Well, specifically, they have no contact with our dd (due to history of abuse, not towards her). My dh does still have sporadic phone calls with her, but otherwise, we don't engage and we have explicitly in writing asked them to never send any cards or presents or try to contact our dd in any way. This year our anniversary card came addressed to "x and x and dd". Even though we have been very explicit that nothing is to ever be sent for our dd or have her name on it. They are basically dead to her and we want it to stay that way. I've saved it for evidence in case I need to pursue a non-harassment order. But definitely I do think it's very much intentional and I imagine it is in your case as well. Don't engage, but keep your legal options open if you need to.

mindutopia Thank you for your reply; it sounds like you've had a bit of a trying time with dysfunctional relatives like myself. After this incident we're abit weary of what they're going to send at Christmas now. If they send anything recorded delivery do you think we should decline it with the postman or take it in ans keep it as evidence just incase? I'm hoping they'll get bored after maybe the first year and then not attempt to send any weird cards like this in the future.

It's difficult to know what's best as I don't know your PILs, but I'd say to make sure you've got it in writing that you've asked them to not contact youso email, perhaps, or write to them via recorded deliverythen save any communications to prove they've ignored your requests.

I think DH is going to just ignore it and hope it goes away. We think maybe after the first year they will have nothing to gain from trying when they realise it hasn't provoked the reaction they're probably looking for...

Sounds like me ex ils to a tee. So demanding, so unreasonable. Absolutely no logic to their thinking either. I’ve never met anyone like them before or since. They hated me because I challenged them and I made ex do the same. They were abuse, nasty, selfish and could not see any point of view other than theirs. They never ever stopped arguing, complaining and moaning at each other, at us, at everyone. Some of the things they did were outrageous. I’m so glad to be out of it now. You’re lucky that you and your DH support each other with this. My ex tried half heartedly to support me but ultimately his loyalty was to them. One of a list of reasons he’s an ex. Bin the card. If you send it back you’ll be playing right into their hands. It would put you in the position of ‘bad guys’ and they will tell this to everyone they know for...ever!!!! You’re well rid of them

Aminuts23 Thank you, omg I cannot believe how much the people you describe sound exactly like DH's parents. I really thought the mold was broken with them as I had not known anybody like them before. They are seriously odd balls and very difficult people who make it their life mission to be awkward, selfish, demanding and competitive to the point of jealousy.
I'm so sorry your ex couldn't see the light and he has lost you because of that. I know it has taken mum dh a very long time and two bouts of therapy to see them for what they are. We have been together a very long time and has multiple arguments over them and I think they would have split us up on the end. It will have been a goal of theres as they are malicious and hate people in general. They dislike their neighbours, other relatives and their own son (my DH) and me and haven't any feeling for their own grandchild or allowed themselves to develop any. They even used to place DH in a separate category from me and DS when talking. They never accepted we were a family unit. It was like Dh was on his own and then there was me and DS. They were and are very weird.

my*

have had*

I too am surprised there are more people like this. When I met my ex ils I genuinely thought I was going mad. Hateful people. Ex didn’t see it so much because he’d grown up with it I suppose. I actually had to convince him that randomly ringing our house in the middle of their argument (about god knows what) to yell and scream at us (about god knows what) just wasn’t normal. Then they’d turn up the next day as if everything was normal and if you dared to mention the phone call/screaming etc it would be your fault for even mentioning it!!! Eggshells all the time. I have so many examples I could give id fill the entire thread. I do feel for you. My ex and I didn’t split up over this one thing but it was a big part. Funnily enough I don’t miss them at all!!

I think what you do really just depends on what your plans are in the future for how to address it. If you have absolutely no plans to pursue any legal measures against them, I would just refuse it. If you do want to keep as evidence, I would accept, photocopy and record the date it was sent, and then send back return to sender. That's what we're doing now (they don't send via recorded delivery though, not quite that crazy yet). That way, you can investigate what it is, keep evidence of it (assuming you feel you want to even open that bag of worms), and then still have the satisfaction of returning it. Yes, very much like you, I'm holding my breathe for Christmas. I am truly done if any more comes through and we are involving the police if it happens one more time as it's getting ridiculous.

My advice is to buy a shredder and a worm composter. shred any further communication and then feed it to the worms!

(You could just rip it up and feed to the worms, but shredding is very satisfactory and makes it easier for the worms.)

This is who they are and there isn't a parallel universe where they're caring parents and grandparents. It sounds like despite the NC, he's still waiting for them to be different.

He has the power here because he can decide to not play the game.

My Aunty always sends cards in a brown envelope, she does it so that any dodgy posties don’t think it’s a birthday card that may contain money.

I'm sure they are awful but i don't think you can blame them in having no interest in their grandson if their son is nc with them - the 2 do tend to go together.

And why, as they are so awful, would you allow them contact with your son?

Bin it and move on.

Do this.

BarbarianMum They've haven't got in touch to arrange contact with their grandchild. They have my phone number and there's nothing stopping them from reaching out to me or DH. His dad cut off all contact permanently. We don't want them to see our child as realise just how crazy they are now!

Aminuts23 Completely agree and again everything you've said resonates with me. They are also the kind of people that would act like nothing has ever happened and sweep so much under the carpet their rug must be enormous I think DH always wanted to believe they were better people than they were for years. It was the way they acted when I was pregnant and after DS was born coupled with therapy that made him see the light.

My parents are similar. Theyre not together but I'm very low contact with mum. She ignores me if she sees me in public but when she's around other family she's nice as pie to me. Im NC with my dad and he contacted me once by text with a 'now stop being silly little girl, im the victim here' type message. Weve not had any contact since but I'm like you in that im wondering whats going to happen at xmas. I think it can be easy for ppl to say 'just bin it and forget it' if they've never been in the situation but I get major anxiety just thinking about him being in contact again.
My counsellor explained that although he never was the dad i want i still have to grieve for the dad i deserved and hoped he would be. I also get a mixture of anger and sadness that he doesn't think his grandkids are important enough for him to get his head out of his backside but that's just something ive got to come to terms with.
Sorry to hijack i just wanted to tell you that yes ignoring is the best course of action but yes its very hard and your husband must be finding it difficult. He is a father now tho, hes an equal to his dad,he doesnt need to answer to him. You and his son are his family now.