What do you think of dominant men?

[Daughterofanarc]

what do you think of men who are quite dominant and kind of masculine in a traditional sense? I'm not talking of some sort of neanderthal type. But I've almost always dated very middle-class men, most them wimps who could probably barely change a light bulb. I remember one of them sitting there watching me to struggle carry some boxes and hammer some nails and it didn't occur to him to help.

The guy I am seeing right now is the total opposite and I find it sooooo hot. He is quite old school in the sense that he thinks as a man he should always pick up the bill when we eat out etc. But the other day he suddenly just picked me up in his arms (and given that I'm 5ft 10 and he's no taller than that, I'm quite impressed) and carried me into the bedroom and I found that really hot. My super-feminist best mate is absolutely horrified by all of this lol

How is that dominant?
I would hate to be in a relationship where someone tried to exert dominance over me.
Paying for a meal and picking me up is generous and fun, not dominant.

So will half of mumsnet!

I'm with you op, love it.

But not paying for dinner. I'd hate that but I don't like anyone paying for me for anything.

Love it.my dh is a hold the door open then smack me on the bum kind of man.perfect!

Funnily enough I was watching Jamie Lomas on I'm a Celebrity the other evening and I thought I have never had a relationship with a man like that ie tall, good looking, man's man type. I find him attractive but in real life I would probably find him too macho and domineering. I always seem to go for milder mannered quirky types. Never done me much good though. Divorced and single for three years.

Love this. I don't think it's dominance tho.

The reason people are wary is its ok if you like it, as long as these men treat you well but what if they treat you badly? If you are an equal in a relationship its a much more secure position than being a subordinate reliant on the good will of the man.

Any man who tries to tell me what to do/think or who 'knows what I like (wink wink)' gets very short shrift from me.

Knowing his own mind and having his own thoughts is fine. But if he tries to impose those on me - no way.

@daykay

according to my mate (to paraphrase her) "he is exerting power over you by picking you up without asking permission and by not letting you pay for your own meals out." LOL

I wouldn't date somebody who was an arsehole but I do prefer the rough and ready type.

@BitchQueen90 yup a bit rough and ready is hot 😍

Well I’ve paid for meals for family and friends and vice versa. I don’t think anyone was trying to exert power over anyone.
As for picking me up, I think I would be terrified and run a mile from someone who would do that if I didn’t want it and it was just them exerting their power.
But it sounds like it wasn’t unwelcome in this case. I wouldn’t see it as dominance.

Eh. Not my type, but if that's what you want in a man, then go for it!

What other people think doesn't matter.

For every man that wants a woman to dress head to toe in latex, there is a woman who gets turned on by dressing head to toe in latex. There will also be a million people who are horrified.

For every woman that gets turned on by a rape role play, there will be a man that gets turned on by a rape role play. There will also be a million people who will be horrified.

For every man that has a foot fetish, there will be a women ... you get the picture.

If you feel safe, are safe and are enjoying yourself, it doesn't matter what other people think.

I'd stop discussing your sex life with your friend to be honest though. There are plenty of people who regard that as private and spiling the beans can be a deal breaker.

He's just behaving in a way which celebrates the sexual differences between men and women. It's 'traditional' and 'old-fashioned' in the UK, but it's the way zillions of guys behave and women expect of them in other countries.

The thing here is that it's cool for him to pick you up and be chivalrous, etc - but you have to be v careful that there isn't an underlying male chauvinism which means he thinks you are less capable/intelligent/etc. than him, and/or that you should be doing all the cooking/washing/cleaning.

The best mix is an emancipated guy who still goes down the gym and likes picking you up. ...

I love it.

I'm "super feminist" and I love it when DH takes control of a situation. He's quite a shy, geeky man in general (works in tech, albeit with a lot of interpersonal stuff) but is also very outdoorsy and likes to hammer and build stuff and is physically strong and makes decisions so quickly and dreams of spending his old age building things in a forest and I dream of watching him build said things in the forest while he sweats and hauls wood and his muscles bulge

We have a joint account now, so it never really feels like one or the other of us 'paying' for the other, but when we were dating we took it in turns to pay for and plan dates. My ExH always paid for everything and he had a lot of control over me (in a bad way) so I don't feel so comfortable about it anymore.

Picking you up is fun!

What happens when you try to insist on paying for your own meal? REALLY insist and make it clear that this is something you genuinely want?

That's the test really. When your will and his come into direct conflict, does he try to find a compromise or does he override you? Because the day would come when he overrides you once too often and then you have the choice to knuckle under and become subordinate, or to separate.

Also, does he do the washing up?

I don't think that's dominant either. He's not making decisions for you or attempting to manipulate you to make decisions that suit him is he?

I don't think the OPs two cases are particularly 'dominant'. Someone has to pay the bill (unless you are doing a runner) but it is up to you if EVERY time feels an issue, maybe discuss?
The carrying thing, presumably done in a 'playful' mood unless you want to put a sinister slant to it. Putting your back out may be a risk!

Confident is fine; controlling is not fine. "Dominant" could mean either of those.

Christian Grey is not sexy.

dominant...eeeuugh! run

... so dominance aside, sharing control means being sure your partner is happy with certain 'moves' whatever they may be surely? Not overstepping assumptions, or taking it to all areas of life without negotiation, or consequences for not getting 'it right' somehow.

putting your back out may be a risk ha ha! age huh!

My husband is like that but I wouldn't call that dominant. He doesn't dominate/the household/the situation in any way. That is just how most of the men in my life have always acted (yes, even the feminine ones). If anyone, male of female saw you struggling with heavy items and didn't offer to help (unless they couldn't) I would call that rude rather than dominant.

I’m getting the ‘fanny gallops’ just thinking about it 🤪🤪

Chap here.
If he thinks he should always pay when you eat out then, unless he is earning a fair bit more than you, he may just be a sentimental mug.
Would you describe a middle class woman who couldn't change a light bulb or hammer in nails as a "wimp"? Thought not.

I love it, DH is nothing like that but all my significant exes were. Physical dominance is not correlated to abuse of said advantage in my experience, it was the wimpy "sensitive" " nice guys" with no brawn who turned nasty on me without exception.