Something Missing - Wise and expreianced help needed.

[1DAD2KIDS]

I have been dating a woman for a couple of months now. She is wonderful. She is honest, caring, kind and I trust her. I have fond no red flags, bar her WhatsApp photo has superimposed cartoon bunny ears and sunglasses (if it was her OLD profile picture I would have not gone there). She's totally not clingly, gives me space and takes things at my pace which is great with my lack of free time. She is not selfish and things are totally equal. She is also beautiful, stunning and a smile that would brighten even the darkest day. Oh plus her skin, never felt skin so soft. She is hard working, streetwise and I have tons of respect for her. She really likes me and see sometime in me different from others. She is wonderful and any man would be lucky to have her. I goes without saying that I enjoy our time together, as rare as it is. She is in many ways the perfect girlfriend.

So here's the problem, I can put my finger on it but its a sort of lack of feelling. I don't think about her ever day, I don't get super excitied about her (as much as I do genuinely enjoy our time together). I have been deeply in love once and I don't feel that way. I don't know what it is but I think its missing. Don't get me wrong we have a good time, fun, conversation and dare I say good sex.

Part from my ex wife I have never really been in love or in a LTR. I know with my ex we fell for each other in 3 weeks before I went away on my first tour of Afganistan. So is this lack of feeling indicative of her not being right for me or is there something now broken inside me or do these things sometimes grow over time? After all we normally only get to see each other maybe 1 or 2 time a fortnight. The other weekend was the first full weekend we spent together. She said she loved how much I came out of my shell that weekend and surprised what a foul mouth I have when I am at ease with someone but she liked it. But I don't know why, I just don't feel that giddy excitement?

So you can understand why I am looking for some very wise advise. She is wonderful and I don't want to throw away something brilliant foolishly. Has anyone been in this situation? What happened, how did it end up?

A couple of months isn't very long is it? I think the fact that you like her enough to write this post shows that at some level you feel something I think. How would you feel if she ended it?

Possibility: Don't underestimate the power of disassociation if you've been hurt before. You can cut yourself off from feelings so effectively that you don't even know it's happening. As I say, just a possibility, but one worth considering. Particularly because you mention tours of Afghanistan, which suggests armed forces, no? Isn't part of the training to detach you from your feelings? I dated an ex-army man for two years, and he was able to compartmentalise to a striking degree - so much so that he couldn't feel love anymore.

Actually, more accurately: he wouldn't feel love anymore.

If any of this feels possible, then it's also quite possible you can contact your feelings again - it just takes time and an approach that suits you.

OP - you’ve been in one LTR, in life with a woman and then - I presume it all fell apart and hurt you.
And now you are older, and have responsibilities, and children....
Is that right?

So - here is my take on it. That first time you fall in love (before your heart has been broken, and before all the realities of life have beaten you up) - it’s beautiful. Carefree. Feels wonderful.
Doesn’t happen again that way. That effortless and carefree feeling - goes.

Doesn’t mean you can’t love again. You can. But takes longer. And it may feel less intense than the first time. But, at the same time, more real and, potentially, lasting.

I don’t know if the GF you have is that new love for you or not.
At this point, given your backstory, it’s too early.
You don’t yet need to overanalyse it. Just give yourself a break and enjoy life. And at some point - you’ll know.

I remember thinking when you said you were dating that from what you said you weren’t yet ready to date TBH.

I think I said as much to you too.

I suspect what is going on here is that. Your LTR with your wife was high drama and she was abusive. I don’t believe you have processed this sufficiently for a new relationship to work out and I suspect you have learned that love=abuse so this is also in the mix re new GF, you miss the highs of the drama and think that is what relationships are like.

I think you should keep it v v casual fun with this new relationship and use it to explore yourself and your feelings about dating.

Greenicicle - good question. To be honest at the moment if she finished it I would be a bit sad but not gutted. That's mad really because it don't take a rocket scientist to know she's a great catch.

AFistfulOfDolores I am very good at compartmentalising my life. The Forces don't teach you per se to detach your self, well not overtly anyway as such. But focusing on the job and being distracted by other things outside of the task is a vital part of staying alive. I have come to realise all the operational tour I had done did leave their mark. I got back from my last tour of Afghanistan just for my daughter's 2nd birthday. At the party I thought I was fine but my ex wife and family said I was a little grumpy, distant and genrally not my cheery self. Sometimes people where talking to me and I would be staring off like i was in a diffent place. But that was a few years ago now and i quikly adjusted back to myself. I can feel love. I loved my ex wife to the moon and back, that why what she did was so completely earth shattering devostating. Words can even describe how much I love my children. I do have a pretty big heart.

Josuk yes it fell apart. Yes lied, cheated and left me and the kids. It was truly the worst time in my life (and I've had some bad times). I suppose that what I'm wondering, does love always follow the one model because I can only compare against the one model? Just because it dosent feel the same is that a sign it's not right?

Offred this what worries me, am I damaged. Is it my wounds that are messing up my lack of attachment. Because what it is a lack of attachment. I am attracted to women who are bad for me? She is certainly very good for me, I can tell that, could that be the problem? I am certainly in no hurry and keeping it nice, light and causal. She I thinks has bags of emotional intelligence (one of the things i like about her) and I think is pacing her self at my speed.

I also wonder if it's partly that I don't have the time to focus or get excited about her or us. I am pretty much working flat out with kids and work 7 days a week. Life is very different from my early 20s.

Also what slightly makes me wonder how important is being on the same plain intellectrually? She's smart I know that. But our knowlage of the world and things we know about a completely different. She likes my passion for things and the stuff I know but it's a little one-sided. Very little comes back the other way. It not that she's not smart I guess more to do with ways we have grown up and the things We taken interest in. I don't know why this should be a concern because I loved my ex and intellectrually we were miles apart. But I have connected with people in the past when it's like a massive spark and you bounce of each other mentally, its an exciting feeling. Do I need that aspect?

1st birthday*

I wouldn’t say damaged. I would say vulnerable.

When you are vulnerable dating is very hard and often very unproductive and sometimes you attract the wrong people or you get into situations you don’t know how to get out of.

I think putting her and her qualities as a person (and she sounds lovely) to one side for a minute, do you think you will be able to relax a bit more about all this stuff if you continue dating and just keep it light and have fun?

You are very nice about her and very negative about yourself. You may be idealising her and not willing to admit she isn’t right for you, or you may be messing up a good thing because you haven’t processed everything that happened with your wife properly yet (and it would be normal for that to take a long time, she hurt you VERY badly).

If dating is resulting in more harm to you (irrespective of what the people you date are like) then it would be wise to stop dating IMO.

Also, it is very normal to feel irritated with yourself not being ‘over’ a bad marriage yet, but if you’ve not healed yet there isn’t much you can do about it other than continue healing.

My OH said it took him about 6 months to properly fall in love with me and he also didn't feel the giddiness and excitement that I felt until that point. He was still getting over a previous relationship and had his barriers up without realising. Now we are truly in love and it's amazing.
It sounds like she ticks a lot of boxes for you so maybe hang on in there for a few more months. If it gets to the 6 month mark and you still feel she's not 'the one' then perhaps be single for a while

And I think you have quite a lot to be proud of TBH.

Given everything you have been through you have remained kind, sensitive, patient, open and loving. You are very patient and very fair re your ex wife.

It would have been much easier for you to shy away from all of those qualities, which take bravery if you have been so hurt, and retreat into a safe bubble of bitter cynicism, alienation and anger.

OP - who knows how love works....
But, I don’t think there is only one model.
And you’ll only know if/when you get there again. Which, in itself, isn’t a guarantee.

Some people fall in love easily and often. Others - don’t.
🤷🏻‍♀️

Offred, she is lovely. I think in all sanity I can say I'm not idealising her. And I'm loving that she is totally drama free. It's just I don't know if I find her interesting and exciting. It's probably unfair to measure her against someone I have know for years but I know someone who is intellectrually and mentally dinomite. She is probably my closest freind (ex girlfriend from school) and when we talk we just get each other, humour, depth of conversation, imagination and wackiness. It will never be anymore because simply I am the wrong sex. Infact our closeness did lead to more months back. She started dropping hints on one of our evening together and we did experiment. It was good but also lead to the conclusion that she was totally gay. Luckily we have the closeness, openess and honesty to not let it affect our friendship. In a way it was a very good experiment to help us both work some tgings out. Anyway I just wonder if there is lacking an element of mental connection. But like I say Maybe unfair to compare to someone who has been a big part of my life since a teenager. After all when your oddballs at school you have to stick to be.

Maybe it will grow? She likes that I have come out my shell a bit a shown parts of my mad self. She also says she loves my child like inosence. I find a bit mad because I have such a dark sense of humour, kinky perverse mind, fawl mouth and experiance/commited my fair share of violence in my youth (most of which I don't apologise for, it was just part of my enviroment). So maybe not that innocent. But I guess (as people alway note) I'm always smiling, optimist, try to see the good in people, sentimental and despite everthing there is an old romantic still in there. And maybe that what she sees, the softy and optimist I am. I'm just in a way hoping there is more to her to be unlocked as we become more comfortable and at ease together? To be fair she is starting to show a bit more. I must sound a tottal tool. I have met the near prefect woman and still wondering if it's enough? I guess I think it would be good to have someone who totally gets my mind. Even my ex never got me. Is that even an achievable goal?

Offred to answer your question it's defiantly doing more good than harm. We have a good time and we are both very happy and fun when together. I guess I'm am just looking at the longer game. Maybe I am in a way being too impatient? Maybe I should be just enjoying it for what it is right now, rather than everthinking about long term comparability?

And thank offred for your kind words, I struggle to say it sometimes but I suppose I'm am quite proud. I just go though life doing me and trying not to lose my self. I think those are the qualities she sees in me when she talks of that inosence about me. I never want to play darknes's game however much it trys to drag me in.

Angelwendy thank you for your input. That's basicly the sort of experiance I was looking for. Wounding I things change as you grow together a bit and let down barriers. It give me hope.

Josuk your probably right. But that is tourcherous for someone like me who wants to play life like I play chess. I want to be a few moves ahead of the game. But the craziness and irrationality of the world seems to blow my plans. My unexpected slit from my wife and break up of our family being a prime example. I should know better. We used to say no plan survives first contact with the enemy.

The way I see it is that it depends if you want an adult relationship or not.

I think the heady, crazy infatuation is normally only when one/both are playing it a bit aloof, a bit hard to get, making the other chase a bit. Basically playing games and making it all a bit more dramatic and angst ridden.

Whereas I think having an open, adult, non game playing relationship tends to need to built up over time. I think only the deep loving relationships happen with a slow burn that builds and builds.

Although this is all my admittedly limited experience so I could be completely wrong but that's what I think anyway.

OP - planning and overanalysing - sure it’s great when it works. I like that too. Makes me feel in control and safe.

However, it’s not that the world is crazy - even if it wasn’t as crazy - emotions are that one random browninan motion particle that you can’t predict. Can’t expect, can’t look for, or plan for.
I think you are in grave danger of overanalysing it all right now.
Just enjoy.

And - for what’s its worth - no, I don’t think you are likely to fall in love with this one. Or, anyone, for that matter, at this point.
I don’t think you’ve had enough of a break. And haven’t healed yet.
You are not ready, not yet.

Ha ha! Yeah, you can’t play life like a game of chess, though it is tempting to approach it in that kind of way in order to give yourself a feeling of security.

I think it is not mad to want someone who you feels blows your mind by connecting with you on every level, but you must be careful, as that intensity often comes with a person who is unstable.

I do think you are overthinking, yes. What you need to be thinking about is whether you are going to be confident enough to get out of this relationship if you continue to feel a lack of connection, and also just enjoying it for now by taking it at face value IMO.

OP, I got together with my DH shortly before he was deployed somewhere hot and sandy too. I think having that kind of pressure on a relationship makes you say 'yes or no? Now or never?' in your head at a very early stage. Things can get very serious very quickly - like before you even know each other properly.

Relationships formed without that backdrop usually take longer - which, imo, is a good thing. I think it takes a couple of years (at least) to get to know someone properly.

There can be one person in your life who have have fallen deeply in love with. That person is not always your DP/DW/DH.

Don't compare with others. If there is spark there and you find her attractive then really I wouldn't give this up in a hurry. You can end up searching for that missing ingredient for a long time.

The only person that I have ever fallen deeply in love with turned out to be an emotionally abusive man who nearly destroyed me. Thinking about him can still make me melt inside because I am/was intensely trauma bonded to him.

I am currently living with my ex husband who is lovely, caring and would do anything for me, but I don’t feel any attraction to him. I do love him like a brother. I wish that I could feel about him the way that I felt about my ex but I think that the chemistry just isn’t there.

In the past I have listened to my head and I have listened to my heart. Both times I ended up heartbroken and abused. I don’t think there is any way to control the way that the heart moves. The heart wants what the heart wants and why is often a mystery.

1DAD, you sound lovely . So sorry about what you had to go through. It will take you a long while to put your heart, broken into a million pieces, together again. Don’t rush yourself, take your time to heal properly, at your pace. Your new lady sounds intelligent and caring, I think she will understand and wait. Don’t force yourself to feel a certain way. There is no right or wrong way to feel and real love often feels not like we expect it too. To me, love is a deep connection, not so much mad infatuation which can fizzle out. But to feel that deep connection you need to open yourself up and make yourself vulnerable to the other person. I appreciate it is still a difficult thing to do for you and probably will be for some time

You know I think I need to stop over thinking and chill out. I think part of the problem is after doing the whole openly non-monogamous causal thing for a couple of years maybe I have attached expectations (on my self) to a monogamous relationship that just aren't their per se? Like because you are monogamous it has to be serious? I have link monogamy with pressure to be serious. Which is not necessarily true in the same way non-monogamy doesn't have to be causal. I need to stop putting expectations on my self. Its not like she is putting any pressure on me. We maybe text two or three times (back and forth) a week. She is taking things completely at my speed and that's partly what's great about her. No pressure but both when I see her and apart I have no doubt or insecurity that she is not into me. Maybe I need to see that there is no pressure for a monogamous relationship to go anywhere? Just to enjoy it how it is and see where it goes?

But maybe that's partly what's weirding me out also. I have never met anyone like her. She is totally not clingy or insecure with me it seems. I have never been with anyone who doesn't get upset by long periods of silence. As a person who wishes someone would invent a candle with 3 ends to burn, plus with my own set of mates (a fair few female, that I think my ex hated) and who loves there own space too this is a bit of a god send but also unchartered territory. My ex-wife (even though endless encouragement from me) never had much of her own life, her own friends so I was very much her life. There is totally no drama so far and no red flags (bar the stupid rabbit ear photo). Someone on another thread said that a good relationship shouldn't feel like hard work. Maybe there is something in this because this doesn't feel like hard work at all. So maybe she is actually very good for me and I for her as (despite everything) I am still not the jealous and possessive type. Nor would I ever want to be, even though it allowed my ex to completely pull the wool over my eyes. And maybe in her mind my ex linked my lack of controlling and possessiveness to not loving her (she had always been in abusive relationships). I am very easy going and I know that's party why she likes me too. We are both the same in that respect.

Also maybe I have over rated the importance of intellectual compatibility? I know there was far less with my ex wife, we were poles apart. But I loved her still with everything. After all I am not alone on that front, I have some very good friends to talk to and fill that side. Except this time I have more freedom to hangout with them than my ex wife would allow (sadly now of course I have less time too).

I think as Offred has suggested I have been sort of programed to link drama and abusive traits to the hallmarks of a proper relationship? Maybe I need to do some deprograming?

Definitely start deprogramming :)

Agree 100% that a good relationship should not feel like hard work, if you are in it for the long haul, you need to be able to relax and let your hair down.

I am a woman, and putting pressure on me, jealousy or possessiveness would make me run for the hills. It is not a good trait in a life partner!

It is great you do not suffocate each other and give each other breathing space. Sounds ideal.

Your new lady sounds great. Don’t overthink and enjoy the journey

OP I’ve read some of your posts before. You are a kind decent man.
Honestly I think give this a chance. Love is not something that happens in 3 weeks or 3 months. I’d say around a year at least. It sounds like your previous marriage was intense from day 1.
If there is genuinely no chemistry let it go and be kind to the lady. If you’re concerned that your feelings are not intense as last time bear with it for a bit longer and see. Your previous experience was not ‘normal’, relationships are not like that. Love takes time and trust, it’s not easy at all. Good luck to you. If you decide it’s not for you be kind and tell her as soon as you’re certain and explain why. Otherwise give her a fair chance. Good lucky lovely x

You definitely need to deprogramme!

The difficulty is really that this is very very hard if you don’t spend a significant amount of time completely single.

It’s not impossible, but it is made much harder because what you really need is to go through stages of unpicking the relationship, working out who you are and what you want and then getting secure enough in that to be ready to be vulnerable.

Fortunately, this woman doesn’t seem to be another abuser but you may find that it doesn’t work out with her simply because you have got too much work left to do on yourself. This is what I meant upthread about having the confidence to walk away.

If it's not there, it's not there, whatever "it" is. However much time you spend looking you won't find it, because you don't know what "it" is. You can spend the next 6 months looking for it in her, and never find it. Or even the next 20 years. You could go out into the world and look for it in other people, you might find it tomorrow or you might keep looking for the next 20 years. You choose.

Love has no reason, other than itself. It makes no sense, and no amount of reason can be applied to trying to understand it. You either love someone or you don't. Love isn't always kind either. Do people grow on us? Certainly but "it" is almost always not in the equation, and the sense of something missing remains.