Something Missing - Wise and expreianced help needed.

[1DAD2KIDS]

I have been dating a woman for a couple of months now. She is wonderful. She is honest, caring, kind and I trust her. I have fond no red flags, bar her WhatsApp photo has superimposed cartoon bunny ears and sunglasses (if it was her OLD profile picture I would have not gone there). She's totally not clingly, gives me space and takes things at my pace which is great with my lack of free time. She is not selfish and things are totally equal. She is also beautiful, stunning and a smile that would brighten even the darkest day. Oh plus her skin, never felt skin so soft. She is hard working, streetwise and I have tons of respect for her. She really likes me and see sometime in me different from others. She is wonderful and any man would be lucky to have her. I goes without saying that I enjoy our time together, as rare as it is. She is in many ways the perfect girlfriend.

So here's the problem, I can put my finger on it but its a sort of lack of feelling. I don't think about her ever day, I don't get super excitied about her (as much as I do genuinely enjoy our time together). I have been deeply in love once and I don't feel that way. I don't know what it is but I think its missing. Don't get me wrong we have a good time, fun, conversation and dare I say good sex.

Part from my ex wife I have never really been in love or in a LTR. I know with my ex we fell for each other in 3 weeks before I went away on my first tour of Afganistan. So is this lack of feeling indicative of her not being right for me or is there something now broken inside me or do these things sometimes grow over time? After all we normally only get to see each other maybe 1 or 2 time a fortnight. The other weekend was the first full weekend we spent together. She said she loved how much I came out of my shell that weekend and surprised what a foul mouth I have when I am at ease with someone but she liked it. But I don't know why, I just don't feel that giddy excitement?

So you can understand why I am looking for some very wise advise. She is wonderful and I don't want to throw away something brilliant foolishly. Has anyone been in this situation? What happened, how did it end up?

Ha ha mini, my experience is completely the opposite!

Not sure what to make of that!

not sure either Offred I think it may have something to do with the the duality of nature and demeanor in an individuals personality.

I’ve found in my life that loving someone else is entirely dependent on two things; the love I have for myself and the love I give to the other person.

For me, love depends on commitment, understanding, compassion and respect.

If those qualities are missing from my relationship with myself or someone else then that is where relationships go wrong because love can’t exist.

If those qualities are present I have found love grows.

Things like ‘a spark’ (or ‘it’) I associate with transient feelings of attraction which wax and wane.

I think it could go in either of two directions. It could be a slower burn love than you're used to but turn into something incredible, in which case you need time. Or it could be that, lovely and wonderful as she is, she just isn't quite right for you. You are allowed to move on for any reason even if you can't quite put your finger on why. I do think, at the dating stages of a relationship, you do need to be selfish and work out what YOU want.

Whichever way your relationship is going to go, I think the next step is the same either way at this point - just keep going slowly and see how you feel at each step. You are allowed to finish things at any point during the dating stages. Just don't fake anything to her (plans with her for the future etc) and let things pan out.

I finished with a lovely, kind, generous man (plus great sex) because it just wasn't quite right. He felt (and some of my friends raised this too) that I was a commitment-phobe due to my past but I was convinced we just weren't quite right for eachother. I'm now with someone who is right and haven't had any commitment issues.

Yes this "it" that seems elusive may actually not be so elusive after all. Love can be a choice sometimes for some people. The point I was making is that if this "it" can't be quantified and given a name, then you could be looking for "it" for a long time.

Some people are convinced they've found it but can't describe or name it. How do you know you have it if you don't know what it is.

Love can grow even in the absence of it, which is the point I made in my last paragraph. But if the person still is convinced that this certain unquantifiable quality called "it" is missing, even if it were present, it's unknown to them are therefore from their perspective it's always missing.

Hope that makes sense

I think what's key now is to just enjoy it for what it is. She is putting no pressure on me for anything more. Which I take as a sign she is happy with things as they are. I don't want ramp things up, I just guess my inexperience with relationships and a sort of childish romanticism put self induced pressure on what model a relationship should have. I have really only had two serious relationships my ex wife and my girlfriend from School who I am still very close to. The main thing is to stay honest, open and not be lead into things I'm not ready for. Should be very easy because there is that sort of honesty between us. This was apartment when we split a FWB the first time before she moved back. And she said to me a few weeks ago that its important to be open with her should I just not be feeling it, I said I will but the same applies to you. She has good emotional intelligence and I did wonder if she was picking up subconscious vibes from me. So I am best to just chill, enjoy and take each step as it comes.

Offred What you said is a part of the dilemma. I agree with you and she ticks the commitment, understanding, compassion and respect boxes massively. I know how rare but fundamental these are, she's a diamond in that respect. I know its fairly early days but I just know. But I'm just not sure if that is enough? I think they must me must haves. But it would be nice to have someone who totally gets me mentally, my humour, my wild imagination. She likes these aspects of me, they make her laugh, make her smile but we don't mentally bounce off each other. Its sort of one-sided if that makes sense? But then commitment, understanding, compassion and respect are such a treasure alone. Is it realistic to ask for more? Is relationships a bit of a game of deal or no deal? I don't want to kill the goose that laid the golden egg. But on the other hand I shouldn't be with anyone long term asking is there more?

Also a potential spanner in the works has cropped up again today. She may have to move away again. If she does I don't think we'll stay together anyway.

You are getting ahead of yourself again. This is not about locking down a life partner. It’s about you having a nice, fun and relaxing time with someone lovely and seeing what happens.

Also, you must remember to love yourself. That’s the part that usually suffers as a result of an abusive relationship.

I was just saying on a thread the other day that when I met my oh, I knew he was the one simply BECAUSE I wasn't giddy with excitement. It was just a still quiet knowing .

Offred your right. My typical forward planning. Just saying there may be a time when our expectations deviate and thus it is important to be honest.

Ohyesiam I felt that about my ex wife when I met her. That giddy excitment.

Its a good feeling. In my case (tottaly not a coment on your relationship) it may not have been for the best for me.

Be careful what you say to her.
I think my DH felt the same as you about me when we first got together. He had been used to turbulent relationships, with rows and tears and passionate making ups. I am just not like that. But he once told me that he didn't feel there was any passion in his feelings for me, no absolute yearning to move in with me etc. Even though I felt similarly, I was so hurt by the way he phrased it. I kept thinking he SHOULD be passionate about me.
He fell very deeply in love with me at some point and we are married now and I know he adores me. But I have never forgotten what he said, and it will always hurt on some level.

enjoying it for now by taking it at face value
I was thinking this too. Is there any pressure to get serious, have kids etc. or can you just enjoy it and see what happens?

I think I'm dating your German twin now, from your description, and I'm not sure where it will go but it is good fun and we have zero pressure - neither wants kids, neither expecting to move in together or anything. I'm not head over heels in love but am enjoying what we have and am not deceiving him in any way about my feelings. How about you?

In my case I think if he declared his undying love for me it could tip me over the edge too, but I would say that he is probably in about the same place as me, so unless one of us gets drunk or passionate enough to make a half-baked declaration we'll be stuck in limbo forever :D