Can I make myself love my husband again?

[confused798]

Changed my username.

Been with oh 16 years and married for 8. We have 2 young children and a happy life, not well off but not struggling. He works full time and I have a part time business I run which really doesn't pull in much, maybe £6k a year if I'm lucky. I don't think I love my husband anymore but I want to. We haven't dtd since 2014, at first it was cause both tired, then I started to go off him and now if he even brushes against me I feel repulsed. I can't stand when he kisses me goodnight, even though it's just a peck on the cheek. He still loves me and tells me almost every day, I can never bring myself to say it back. He's put on a lot of weight and has become really hairy, a lot more than he used to be which really puts me off.

However he is a great daddy, great around the house and we all have fun together when we go out as a family. We often get a babysitter and go out without the kids, we have a chat and a meal but I always feel there's something missing, we don't kiss, he doesn't make me laugh and I just feel a bit empty. Our boys adore him but somewhere along the line I've just lost feelings for him. My friends all think he's great, which to be fair he is.

I'm scared of leaving and breaking up our family in case I've got this all wrong. But the thought of living with him forever makes me feel ill. I've mentioned to him I don't think we're like a "proper couple" if that exists but he just says we're fine. Have thought about marriage counselling, even alone but can something like that bring back a love Just now I flinch even if he tries to hold my hand or brushes against me in bed.

I know it's not healthy for my children to see a half loveless marriage but I don't know what to do. I want to love him and feel emotion towards him but just now I feel dead and not sure I could ever get it back. I'm scared of being alone and breaking up the family and want to make it work but don't know how to make myself love him. Has anyone been in this situation or any advice what I can do or is it time to move on?

sorry for the novel.

Is there any possibility that you are depressed, and that what you're feeling is a negative view of everything due to low mood?

I felt like this about my ex-husband to the point he felt I needed therapy,I also felt dead sexually and affectionately towards him and anyone. I'd completely lost my spark. I left him,primarily so he could meet someone who would love and desire him in a way I couldn't. It felt selfish to hold on to him. I'm very happily remarried now, very much in love and sexually switched on, but I'm not going to say it couldn't happen again, humans change so much over a lifetime.

I'm not sure you can get that back when it's gone this far.
Have you spoken to him about his weight and body hair?
I think counselling might be a good starting place.
But you need to be totally honest with him?
If he could lose the weight and get waxed regularly - would you like him again?

Thanks MintyChoc I have been depressed in the past. Currently on Prozac but I've felt like this for years, when on and not. When I'm out with friends or bump into people at school gates it's great and we can chat away and have a laugh, just not able to do it at home.

Thanks LesisMiserable. Yes that's how I feel. Did you have children when you left him, how long had you been together? He's always saying he couldn't cope without me and I'd feel awful to break up the family and have to sell our house and move somewhere else. Especially as I don't earn much so we'd be in a much worse position financially.

Thanks HellsBells. I don't think I would to be honest but I can't say for sure. I just have zero attraction to him at all.

I think you can get it back but it’ll need some dramatic changes and dealing with some uncomfortable truths

You try going on an healthy regime and it might encourage him to follow?

Book some counselling - if it doesn’t work you haven’t lost anything you do need to try before you divorce or stray

Try talking and holding hands rather than focusing on sex. You give him a peck on the lips for exampke or cuddle whilst watching tv. Don’t take it any further - just build up intimacy slowly. You might feel repulsed at first but that may go - if it doesn’t even when you are addressing the other things then you know.

Re the hair - buy him a trimmer for Xmas!

I agree with counselling. Maybe ultimately you will need to break up, but its worth trying the counselling first.

Also it seems strange to me that the two of you haven't had any honest discussions about it. You say "he just says we're fine" - but even if he's happy with the lack of physical closeness, you are not, so it's not fine. Sexual intimacy is generally based on emotional intimacy, and if you have this elephant in the room which you two cannot discuss, you are not emotionally intimate.

Something needs to change, and probably it will take changes on both your parts. I don't think you should do anything that repulses you - that seems likely to make matters worse. But I think you need to shake things up in the way you talk to each other, the things you do together.

Did he used to make you laugh?

Yeah we used to laugh. We have no emotional intimacy, never really have. He'd never be able to make a sexual comment towards me and if he did it would just be embarrassing. He's tried to hold my hand when out and I pull away as can't stand being touched. Think we do need to try counselling but don't know how to bring it up. Rainbow, I have gone on healthy regimes but he doesn't follow and then he'll bring chocolates and treats into the house to tempt me. Porpoises, I don't think he's happy with the lack of sex but has never once brought it up. We never did it much to begin with, when I look back to previous relationships we were always at it. I actually left OH when we first got together for an ex, then we got back together after ex and I ended. I often think I shouldn't have gone back to him, I think I ended up settling a little as ex didn't want me and I felt I could make someone else happy even if it wasn't him.

This isnt fair on him

I agree. Poor guy.
Imagine this was written the other way around.
" My wife repulses me, I havent had sex with her for 3 years, she makes me feel sick " etc.

You have to tell him and let him go so he can meet someone who will appreciate him.
Poor poor guy

You settled and you've used him.That is the cold hard truth. He was the booby prize and safe bet when your ex dumped you.

Be honest..let him find a woman who will love him.

I agree..gender reverse and you'd be slatted.

Poor fella.

Yeah its particularly bad that you went back to ex1 and then ex2 (your now partner). Why not just go it alone or hold our for someone new?

I think you've been cowardly and now is time to find some courage OP.

In a similar situation. However Dh won’t do any counselling. He won’t understand my low mood and tries to tell me I need to change my behaviour which puts my barriers up.
Like you my dh is the same good person, great dad. But his stubbornness of not wanting counselling is ruining the marriage. There is only so much i can do to change. I am actually wondering if he’s had his head turned because he goes on about me changing so much.

Agree with pp - let him go so both of you can find someone you truly love.

I know how you feel I'm in the same boat, I do have other signs of depression too so I think it could be the same for you.
I too do not feel attracted to partner anymore and there's nothing wrong with him at all, he's not bad looking or overweight or anything if anything I'm th3 one who's changed thanks to pregnancies with stretch marks, flabby belly although I'm still a size 10. He still looks the same so I don't get why I feel this way.
I hope you find a solution that works for both of you xxx

we only split for a week way back in the early 00's when I went to ex, we were both early 20's and it was a silly mistake. We were then truly happy for a while and I thought I loved him, but now I don't know if i did or if I just wanted to be in a relationship. Even before we got married I remember being on hols with him and no sex, he just wasn't particularly forward and I was fine with that. We're more like bad friends now, chat and go out but I don't feel a spark.

I realise if this was the other way it would also be awful, hence why I'm wondering if I can turn this around as I really don't want to destroy the family or upset him. I know he'd be devastated. I do feel though he should have a chance to be with someone who loves him, he says he's fine and happy with the situation and I don't know if my happiness should be put to the side so I don't mess up the rest of the families. The thought of sitting in silence and no physical contact with anyone ever again fills me with terror. Someone give me a magic love potion so I can love him again please!!

Nadine, are you in a position to do anything about it? I would make my childrens lives so bad if I asked for a divorce. We love the house and area we live in and that would all be gone. I have zero money so we'd have to move to a tiny flat probably sharing bedrooms. It just sounds like an awful future when they're so happy here.

My first question would be - do you have any sexual feelings at all, are you sexually attracted to other people or have any feelings of arousal ever? Do you feel repulsed by the idea of sex generally or just with him?

I've had severe loss of libido in the past that went on for years due to hormonal imbalance and I couldn't stand my husband touching me. Now we have a wonderful relationship and sex life, but I couldn't stand any discussion of sex and had no sexual feelings whatsoever during that time. It wasn't him, it was me. Different if you actively find him unattractive I suppose - I never felt like that, I just felt asexual, bordering on scared of anything sexual i suppose.

I think counselling would be a good idea. In my case making myself do things would not have been wise at all.

I felt very much like this about my exh. I think you can change it, although me and my ex didn't. There was much more going on with us though to be honest; perhaps there is with you two too?

Anyway, one thing I will say is that during the lengthy process of dissolving a marriage, both my ex and me did start to get our respective "sparks" back, which did almost reignite the spark between us once more. If it weren't for the fact we had very little holding us together (no kids etc.) and a lot pushing us apart (we hadn't treated each other very well) it might have been enough to turn our sex lives around.

I think OP is getting a hard time here. There are lots of reasons this could happen. Previous MN threads over the years have investigated this. Yes he many reasons.
One woman described it sadly as after 3 children, it was just like a switch had been turned off and that made her very sad. And embarrassed.
Does that apply OP? Or anything else other posters have mentioned?

Tammy, no it's just the thought of it with him. I'd happily touch/hold hands/have sex with someone I was attracted to.

RatRoly, I would like to change it, I often think today will be the day I'm affectionate towards him but within minutes I'm getting frustrated with him and he's irritating me.

Oblomov, switch has definitely gone off. :(

I feel for you. I am in a very similar position, no longer attracted to my husband. I've told him this but he isn't accepting it so we're both going to counselling separately.

no I'm not in a position to do anything as we are in an area which allows my son to go to one of the best primary schools and it would be difficult for either of us to keep the house in this area on one salary. Also i feel as though I would be messing up my childrens lives for a selfish reason, they love their dad to pieces and both of us would want full custody in sure of it.

Ok so you have mentioned that he’s changed psychically over the years. He’s put on some weight and he’s more hairy. Have you changed much since you got together? My DH has put on a lot of weight since I met him. But it doesn’t bother me that much. I think you need to work on our intimacy. You haven’t had sex in a while. Perhaps because it’s been such a long time since you desired him, it’s built up into something that repulses you. It really is true that the more sex you have, the more sex you want. You mention that he’s a good father and you do like him as a person, you just have no desire for him. Try to work on this. Have you broached the subject of sex with him? He must have noticed that you’ve not done it in a while? He must have some thoughts on the matter?