Can I make myself love my husband again?

[confused798]

Changed my username.

Been with oh 16 years and married for 8. We have 2 young children and a happy life, not well off but not struggling. He works full time and I have a part time business I run which really doesn't pull in much, maybe £6k a year if I'm lucky. I don't think I love my husband anymore but I want to. We haven't dtd since 2014, at first it was cause both tired, then I started to go off him and now if he even brushes against me I feel repulsed. I can't stand when he kisses me goodnight, even though it's just a peck on the cheek. He still loves me and tells me almost every day, I can never bring myself to say it back. He's put on a lot of weight and has become really hairy, a lot more than he used to be which really puts me off.

However he is a great daddy, great around the house and we all have fun together when we go out as a family. We often get a babysitter and go out without the kids, we have a chat and a meal but I always feel there's something missing, we don't kiss, he doesn't make me laugh and I just feel a bit empty. Our boys adore him but somewhere along the line I've just lost feelings for him. My friends all think he's great, which to be fair he is.

I'm scared of leaving and breaking up our family in case I've got this all wrong. But the thought of living with him forever makes me feel ill. I've mentioned to him I don't think we're like a "proper couple" if that exists but he just says we're fine. Have thought about marriage counselling, even alone but can something like that bring back a love Just now I flinch even if he tries to hold my hand or brushes against me in bed.

I know it's not healthy for my children to see a half loveless marriage but I don't know what to do. I want to love him and feel emotion towards him but just now I feel dead and not sure I could ever get it back. I'm scared of being alone and breaking up the family and want to make it work but don't know how to make myself love him. Has anyone been in this situation or any advice what I can do or is it time to move on?

sorry for the novel.

I felt just like that when I became pregnant with my first. Turns out I had prenatal depression and I really do blame that as it’s totally different now.
Can’t remember when the switch went off though, or how it went on again either. Took a long time though and we did temporarily split.

confused yes we had our DD and we'd been together 9 years when I left. Like your situation, we didn't have emotional intimacy, he wasnt that sort of person and sexually, I thought he was quite tame and was glad - I would have felt inhibited with him and felt he was with me. I believe with his partner now he has quite a wild sex life (dont ask, DD saw things she can never unsee on his ipad ) that aside, I'm glad for him. I think you can only really feel deeply sexually rooted to someone with emotional intimacy, without it, it will fizzle.

The issue isn't about 'fixing' your marriage, it's about you accepting that you've finally checked out of a relationship you were never really invested in.

See a. counsellor, work through your shit but don't waste any more of your or your H's time living this soul destroying half life.

Life is too short to waste it in a marriage that is simply not working. You either need to cut your losses and be brave enough to leave, or you need to make some genuine, heartfelt changes and start to be proactive in changing the situation. Your Husband also needs to be on the same page in making changes and taking steps forward for this to work. If he keeps insisting everything is "fine" then that's not going to happen, because he won't open up and be real with you if so.

Neither of you should have to put up with a sexless, empty marriage. Either take action or go.

Hey. I’m interested to know how you got on with this?
I’m in a similar situation. Perhaps less repulsed than you felt but zero attraction. I need the magic love potion you referred to😞
Sending support and empathy whatever happened x

I’m in the opposite boat my husband won’t touch me :-(
He has no explanation he’s not interested in me at all that way
I feel rejected and empty confused and shut out
It’s a shame these things happen op
Maybe my husband feels about me the way you do about your husband

I wonder how this turned out 🤔

'He's always saying he couldn't cope without me'

This is quite a heavy and manipulative thing to say. I wouldn't like it if someone said it to me- it puts an emotional burden on you for his survival or something.

It also implies he knows you're not 100% happy. But he shouldn't be emotionally blackmailing you into staying, which is what this is. It probably doesn't help you feel sexy towards him, to think that he's emotionally dependent on you.