My mother keeps is using stuff to control me and I feel totally overwhelmed

[Elephantgrey]

My mother is a hoarder she has never been able to throw things out and it has got to the point where her own home is virtually uninhabitable.

Ever since I left home she has tried to sneak boxes of her crap into my home. When I was a student living in one room she dumped a huge box on 1970s tea towels and other linen in my room when she was helping me to move house. I wasn't allowed to get rid of it because they belonged to her but she refused to take it away.

She also loves buying things for my house even though I have asked her not to. For example she decided that all my cups should have spots on (why). When I asked her not to buy anymore because there was no room in the cupboard she bought a mug tree with a set of spotty mugs which didn't match the other ones.

Now I am pregnant and struggling with hyperemersis. I also have hypermobility syndrome so I can't move heavy boxes. Neither can my husband as he has had shoulder surgery. The last time she came she brought an enormous box of Christmas presents despite me begging her to only buy us one thing each. She promised that she would take the box of plastic toys from my childhood she had dumped on us the last time she came but didn't.

The other day an enormous parcel arrived at the door with yet more presents in. This has just sent me completely over the edge. I quite irrationally feel that by posting me things she is forcing more stuff into my home without even being here. I had to fight the irrational urge to dump all of the Christmas presents into the bin before I left for work.

She wants to come and stay before the baby is born to buy me a cot and a pram and decorate the babiy's room. I really couldn't cope with this. She wants to choose things for the baby and come and stay when they baby is born.

This sounds like she is being kind and she means well but she doesn't really accept that it is my baby and has been saying things like that is a grandmother's right. If I let her come she will totally steamroller me and I won't be able to have the relationship I want with the baby.

I don't know how to deal with this. It seems like such a small problem but I have really bad anxiety. I have Tourette's syndrome and my tic have been so bad I have injured myself. I was referred to the perinatal mental health team but I haven't heard from them.

How can I deal with this situation?

Hoarding is a recognised mental health problem as others have said

You need a very firm boundary that your mother controls her own space but you control your own.

Anything she gives to it’s up to you to determine whether to keep or not. If you don’t want it it goes. Freecycle, charity, friends whatever.

If this causes her emotional problems that you’ve given her stuff away then she needs to learn to stop giving you stuff.

And never store anything for her, ever.

I will probably make my baby feel the way she is making me feel one day because I have all sorts of mental health problems

I wish I could give you a big hug. Because you are taking your own mental healthy seriously (and I suspect will continue to do so), it will be completely different for your child. The pattern of a parent with a mental health problem causing stress for their child will stop with you. You'll be able to give your child the support and empathy they need and deserve because you are going to see your own sh*t for what it is and deal with it, rather than just letting to grow for the next 20 years. Take a deep breath, send yourself some love, and know that it will be different for YOUR child.

As for my advice to you:

1. Don't concern yourself with her house. You can't fix it because the problem is coming from inside her.

1. Set firm boundaries in your own home, and give away or throw away things that do not bless your family. (Asking yourself if something blesses your family is a great way to decide what to keep and what to let go of).

1. A useful phrase when talking to your mother is, "I can see how you would feel that way, none the less, this is what I've decided to do." Just repeat it over and over and don't engage in conversations with her on those subjects that just don't work with her. The phrase is from the book, "Toxic Parents," which you might find helpful.

I have some messiness, clutter, disorganization challenges related to things in my childhood. Nothing to extreme, but to keep things in-line I find it helpful to have someone else come in and clean the house every other week. I pick up first, but it's very helpful to have that deadline. I also find the Flylady.net website helpful for day to day routines to keep things under control.

Take care of yourself. Hypermobility is no joke. Good luck!

You can't change her but you can choose to throw things away in your own home (she might frown and say you're ungrateful but it's also a question of losing control - over you - so you might not take everything said to heart). I don't think it's possible for a long-time compulsive hoarder /like my dad/ to declutter, or if you try to assist it might take forever to throw away the tiniest item which is why you cannot engage in it /it's too taxing to discuss what items should go/. It might not even be necessary /unless it becomes a serious health issue/, and in the end most things will go into the skip anyway. But you also need to consider your mum's wish to control your house and baby as if you all were a dolls house that she could decorate as she wish. When you set up personal boarders around you, you might well expect strong reactions and a "scene" /like you might with a five-year-old I guess/ but it's hopefully temporary and even if it's not it might well be too taxing for you to live under those circumstances. I don't necessarily think that hoarding has to do with having had too little, it's more of setting up an explanation that other people cannot get around. My dad used that excuse, but my grandmother grew up even poorer, and never became a hoarder of any kind. End of story is that you probably cannot "fix" your mother's hoarding problem so there's no point in hiring a declutterer, even if there were any to be hired. As long as she is not hoarding, say, used food containers with crumbles left in them, or milk containers with poo /saw that on a British TV program once/ or whatever in that direction - you'll be fine. If the problem is more severe, maybe a meeting with the GP would be in order, for mental health issues or dementia or whatever might be the case.

I'm sorry you've got so much going on.
Don't worry about being organised I was so unorganised pre babies and once I had them it suddenly clicked and I've managed to improve on that.

I would explain to your mum that it's unhealthy for the baby to be surrounded by stuff and the most helpful thing she can do is stop sending things and take away those things you don't need.
For the first six months it's advised to have the baby in your room so don't worry about the nursery being sorted perfectly just make progress when you can.
Just slowly get rid of stuff, either get someone in to help declutter or just throw a few things away every month.
You can also sell things on Facebook sales with it listed as collection so someone will come get it for you.
Small things like that might help.

Good luck

You poor thing. I really feel for you, this must be really hard.

just a thought -- if your mum is dumping unwanted christmas presents on you, and the things are new, perhaps you could donate them to a charity that gives gifts to children? The Salvation Army collects gifts for children, and others too. You get the stuff out your house, and kids who wouldn't otherwise get presents get something nice! Two birds with one stone! Perhaps if you called them up and explained your situation, they may even be able to get a volunteer to drop by and pick them up from you.

www.salvationarmy.org.uk/christmas-present-appeal

A battered women's shelter might be another good "home" for extra stuff that your mom gives you.

one more thought -- when she gives you boxes of stuff like your old plastic toys, just throw them away or give them away. Don't go through the thing where you tell her to pick them up and she says she will but doesn't. Just get rid of them, even if it makes her angry.

Once they are in your house, just do what needs to be done. If she gets upset about it, may be she'll eventually learn not to dump stuff on you.

I agree with the above poster, just get rid of everything even the old toys, throw them or donate them but just get rid.
It's not your job to store her junk, you've told her you don't want the stuff but she's not listening so eliminate her from process - do what you want.
Have you got any freinds that could help? I'd happily drag boxes to my car and take them to the dump/charity shop!

Vintage toys can sell for quite a bit on eBay. I would suggest doing a car boot sale if you can get a friend with a car to help.

Ratty, tatty, salvaged stuff - bin it.

Stuff your mum has bought recently - if you can't use it yourself/get it refunded or a credit note, then either call a charity and get them to colllect it or pile it in the car and go down to the charity shop yourself.

Church jumble sales and local good causes are 'nice' ways to get rid too.

Every parcel that arrives - once you've decided there's nothing there for you, sort into nice (charity) or nasty (bin) and add more to each pile from the clutter that's in the house.

Chase up the mental health referral.

Tell your mum as simply and as explicitly as you can, what you're doing.

You are keeping none of it. You are getting rid of it all. She needs to see her doctor and get a mental health referral as it's not just her life she's wrecking it's her daughter's, her daughter's husband and her future grandchild's.

I would echo the other posters who suggest Freecycling or Freegling everything that comes to your house. You're under no obligation to store crap for her and it will never end. I would just advertise full boxes of stuff and people will snap it up - they may hunt through for what's sellable but that's not your problem. You just need it out of the house.

If you need stuff shifting to the tip, you can also pay a service to come and do that for you - this is an example one I've used in Leeds.

She knows she has upset me now and does feel bad about it. She lives too far away to realistically pick up the stuff any time soon.

My gran has dementia and is an even worse horders than my mum. My mums problem got put out hand when she had to clean out my Gran's house. She ended up storing a lot of the stuff my Gran couldn't chuck away in her house. Before then she had a lot of things but it was like a normal house. Every time she makes a little bit of progress my Gran buys more crap and my mum ends up having to get rid of it and storing some of it in her house. Her house is hygienic it just has too much stuff, back issues of magazine, plastic carrier bags, enough tinned food to survive a nuclear holocaust, all our childhood toys (you get the picture).

There are a lot of good suggestions on here. I will try freecycle. The Salvation Army might want the old toys.
I have managed to do a bit of washing so the housework situation is a bit better. My husband does a lot which makes a difference but it is not fair on him to have to deal with the crap.
Coyote cafe that is so kind. I know that I will always have some problems and I would hate for that to be a problem for my baby.

to you. I’m sure the fact that you are so self-aware will mean it’s extremely unlikely to pass on any issues to your baby. You sound like you’ll be an amazing mum

It seemed that in the Hoarders programs on TV that hoarding started in many cases after loss(es) of family members that the hoarder can not come to terms with.
If the hoarder's closest relative goes no contact as is suggested here it could make the hoarding worse. It seems it could make the situation worse.
I wonder if hoarders see those who show no sentimental value to anything as a further problem. From hoarder to frantic thrower out in one generation!

If the stuff is in your house you can do what you want with it, including taking it to the tip! Some local councils will collect things for free and take them to the tip for you. While this may annoy your mum it may be that you need to be harsh to get her to stop giving you all this crap!

As for damaging your child, I don't think you are going to do that because you have the self awareness to see that there is a problem and you have started taking steps to fix it.

@StressedtoHellandback -- Overall, I don't see suggestions to go no contact. Mostly, I see advice to set firm clear boundaries and not allow the mother to hoard things in the OPer's home. Very reasonable.

@Elephantgrey -- when your mother/grandmother's mental health starts getting to you, remind yourself that it stops with you. There is something very, very healing in providing to our children what we needed but didn't get. I love my children so much that when I am able to do something for them or provide something for them that I didn't get from my parents, it feels like I'm repairing that broken piece inside myself (if that makes sense). My kids are young adults now, and they are well adjusted!

Op worry about yourself and your baby first.

I have just started looking into the Fly lady cleaning method, she has YouTube videos. So far I have found her advice very useful. She had a mental breakdown years ago and really let herself go but started to pick herself up again piece by piece now it seems to be a big supportive community. I’m in a right mess right now mentally too so I’m starting from the bottom here.

But you can’t fix your mothers problem, you need to protect yourself so her chaos doesn’t spill into your life.

this is a book I have found useful in the past, I have it away though, wish I hadn’t really, I need motivation to get started here too. I found the fly lady suggestion in my other post here on Mumsnet too on a thread where a lady was really struggling.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0749918241/ref=cmswwrcppawdb_okLfAb7ECSDVY

The book is Clear your clutter with Feng shui by Karen Kingston. She explains how clutter and dirt can hold you back in life and drain you psychologically and spiritually.

Yes I agree clutter can drain you.

I always used to keep loads of clothes I didn't like/didn't fit etc. because a) they were perfectly fine, not tatty b) I might one day need them in an emergency (eg spare work trousers) c) I'd spent money on them but hardly worn them so needed to keep them in order to wear them..but never did

I felt soooo much better when I got rid of everything in my wardrobe that didn't fit right/looked bad/I didn't like/I did like but never found the occasion to wear.

I no longer felt bad/guilty at wasting money whenever I opened my wardrobe.

I've just done similar by getting rid of all baby and toddler clothes. I don't want another but kept the stuff just in case cos DH wants another baby. But keeping the stuff made me feel pressured.

A lot of charities collect from you if you have over, say, five bags. My friend did this recently as her Mum is a hoarder and they collected 25 bags FOC!!

Coyotecafe

Sorry to disagree but the very first post after OP mentioned going No Contact and further on another post mentioned that grandmothers or grandparents have very few rights.
Hoarding is hard to deal with and to watch but in some cases we are talking about family history memorabilia such as medal or uniforms etc. There is a very fine line between what some see as hoarding and others think of as preserving family memories.

I don't want to go no contact with my mother. I just want her to stop giving me stuff.

No one would consider keeping family heirlooms such as medals as hording. Hording is when you are unable to make distinctions between what is actually important and what isn't so you keep everything. If you keep plastic carrier bags, cardboard boxes and tins of Heinz tomato soup that is not going to preserve any memory it just takes up space in your house. Even if you lived in a mansion you would have to chuck some of that stuff out. You might keep some toys from your childhood as a memory. If you kept all the toys from your childhood including the ones you didn't like that much plus lots of new ones for your own child where would you put them?

Elephantgrey. I think your explanation of hoarding is excellent. I have seen some severe chucker out types as well as a bit of hoarding. Ihave also seen someone who hoarded up their childrens' clothes for about 45 years. Everything topt qualitiy and stored well but 45 out of date. It has to be a question of what each of us holds as valuable for whatever reason. Things like carrier bags and boxes may have a use to some while others would say not.

You are a good daughter to be trying to help your DM through this.