Everything is such a mess.

[BloodyExhausted]

I dont know what to do and i just need some advice. I have name changed.

Been with DH 6 years, married for 2. We have one DC (mine from a previous relationship) and i am pregnant with our first child together.

I will try my best to keep this brief but sorry if i ramble, but i really really need some advice so please if you have the time do bear with me.

Until a few months ago our relationship was amazing. We have had our struggles like most people but our relationship was something i was really proud of. I love DH very very deeply, i still want him and i'm still excited to be with him.

A few months ago i was betrayed by someone i thought was a friend. It affected our living situation and there was some resentment towards me from DH as he felt i shouldnt have allowed her to be in a position to be able to betray me like she did. I didnt have any friends so probably latched on a bit to this woman and was more careless than i should have been. I was absolutely devastated and plagued by guilt and this kicked off me spiralling into deep depression.

Since then i have had so much going on like trying to rectify the living situation, arranging to move to a new area where i know nobody, actually moving etc that i put my low mood and high emotions down to the stress of whatever was going on at the time. I should have realised i was unwell but I just didnt. I have suffered from spells of serious depression and anxiety since my teenage years so I am usually better at spotting the signs. Since Ive been with DH i have had a couple of episodes of feeling low but not to this degree at all.

Over these months I was stressed, very very emotional and just not functioning very well. DH kept saying to me he felt like he was losing me and i wasnt supporting him at all and asking me when is he going to get me back. I didnt understand what he meant as i just didnt see that i wasnt coping so i would make promises i couldnt keep like telling him i am back and i can support him and end up letting him down.

Fast forward to now and i have realised that i was unwell and not coping. I havent been myself at all. Im now on anti depressants and its like a switch has been flicked i feel so much better. Im enjoying things again, i dont go to bed every night dreading waking up the next day, i look forward to things, im not crying about everything and getting hysterical. I feel positive that im able to be a better wife and mum.

The problem is, DH has now shut down. He says he isnt feeling anything and he doesnt trust me with his feelings because of what has happened. He feels i abandoned him and whenever we talk i feel so much resentment from him. He constantly makes digs. We spoke last night about how we move forward, he said he wants to move forward but every time i say anything to him like 'i will be there for you' he says 'but you said that last time'. It is obvious he is still very hurt and angry. He has said he doesnt know if he still loves me and he doesnt know if he knows who i am anymore. He says he doesnt feel loved or wanted but when i ask what im doing wrong or what im not doing he doesnt know. He admitted that it may be a knock on effect from what has already happened.

Our sex life hasnt completely disappeared but its not what it was. I am struggling to initiate things because i feel so much resentment from him and there have been times hes said he doesnt like me. Its hard for me to feel comfortable initiating sex with someone i feel doesnt like me. He says this is making him feel unwanted.

He has started having counselling. Hes hurt that he feels hes had to do that when its me he wishes he could talk to. His counsellor doesnt like me and has said she thinks im abusive.

How the fuck do i fix this? We are going to have a baby next year and this is breaking my heart. I love him so much but i just dont know what to do. He says he needs to see that i can move forward and that im better and then he will move forward with me. But its hard for me to show him i can support him when he wont open up to me.

I would be so grateful for some advice. I feel like im failing at life right now.

What was HE going through at the time?
What did he need YOUR support with?
It sounds like you needed his support but certainly wasn't getting it.
He's blames you for trusting a friend!?
Seriously, that's just wrong. Of course you trusted someone.
You are a decent human being and why wouldn't you?
He sounds needy and horrible.
Can you imagine how he will cope when you have no time at all for him with a newborn???
Sorry but I don't like the sound of him at all.
What do you love about him?
Is he supportive of you?
Helpful with things?
Does things to make your life easier?
Loves you and respects you?
Cherishes you and makes your feel special?
Nope - thought not!!!

He was having some hard times and the housing situation was very stressful for him too. I wasnt able to let him talk about his feelings without getting very emotional, due to a lot of guilt and just general not coping. So he hasnt really had a space where he could talk about how HE was feeling which in a relationship isnt fair is it?

He is generally very supportive but i suppose at the moment is resentful of supporting me when he hasnt felt supported for a long time.

Well boohoo on him.
Sorry but he isn't carrying around another human being and he hasn't got mega amounts of hormones coursing through his body every minute of the day.
You probably had pr-natal depression and he's blaming YOU for not being there for HIM!
Seriously, he needs to step up and stop being so friggin' needy, when it's you who needs him to support you.
I can't believe you are justifying him being resentful of you with everything you were going through.
Just - WOW!

He sounds awful. Like a complete child who couldn’t cope when you couldn’t be his mummy for a few months.

The depression started before i was pregnant so not Pre natal so I cant really use the pregnancy as an excuse although we both acknowledge that me being pregnant means i am a bit more emotional and tired than i would be otherwise. He says he understands that and needs to adjust to not having all of me.

I am trying not to drip feed sorry, im a bit all over the place today. He has gone NC with his family recently and i know it really hurts him. I know that contributes to him feeling alone.

I just dont know what to do now when he continues to shut me out. As much as i understand he is hurt i dont know how im meant to move forward with him when he keeps beating me with the past. But then i feel cheeky to now come back and say 'well now I'M ready to move forward so its time to move forward'.

Sounds like your "friend" maybe shopped you for misleading housing/benefits claims, is that it? Which meant you had to move.

In all fairnness your vagueness is gearing the responses towards being against your DP.

What "hard times" was he going through that he needed your support with?

he understands that and needs to adjust to not having all of me
THIS is the issue!!!!
And god help you when the baby comes along.
You are NOT his mother.
You are NOT responsible for his happiness.
He's an adult. Although he's not behaving like one!

Why has he gone NC with his family?
Sorry but he's sounding worse and worse.

Splendid no thats not it at all. Its just such a ridiculous story that i didnt want to make my post ten times longer than it was!

We had to move areas for his work, thought we had a place to rent and my 'friend' was helping me but turns out she lied and scammed me and the flat was already rented to somebody else. We lost money and he was under a lot of pressure with work as the move was obviously delayed.

Him going NC with his family isnt his fault, they are genuinely awful. He was abused in his childhood and they have not been good to him generally and he has just had enough. Ive seen him so many times try to build bridges with them and come back even more hurt than last time so in some ways its a relief but i also worry about how alone he does feel.

He took it all out on you, and you understandably didn't deal with the betrayal very well, in turn he didn't support you as he didn't know HOW to deal with it and put some blame on you, and unfortunately neither of you recognised what you had/have as a result of the affects of the betrayal. Sorry :(

But he needs to understand that, and accept it. BOTH of you have issues now, and you need to overcome them together. Your DH needs to stop blaming you, and shutting down, he's shutting everyone out and spiraling into his own depression which you both need to try and help now. Get him to the GP. Drop the biased counselor and go see a counselor together. Now.

OK I see!

To be honest it may just be a rough patch you know? Most relationships have them. You were depressed, he was very stressed with a move and a new job. Just focus on slowly rebuilding what you had and dont put pressure on it.

Moosical i have suggested to him that we should have relationship counselling and he said he doesnt want to as he would find it hard if they took my side! I think he was only half joking. But as things are now he sees his counsellor and reports back of things that have been implied about me and i have told him that i find that very difficult. Hes said he thinks she doesnt like me and its possible she fancies him but he continues to go and see her.

I see how much hes hurting and i think deep down hes scared but wont say. I just dont know how to move forward when hes so stuck in what happened before. Maybe im being too impatient?

Splendid thankyou. I am mostly positive that we can get through this but he doesnt seem to agree at the moment. Maybe i do just need to calm down.

You're not being impatient, he really needs to stop seeing that counselor, everything is so one-sided and him coming back to you with his interpretations of what he's being counseled is completely unfair. He/they are blaming you with only one side of the 'story' and it's completely out of order.

Relationship counseling is not about taking sides. A good counselor will be impartial and work through the issues with you, any purported 'mistakes' will be worked through. There are no 'sides' in a relationship, life happens, trust is misplaced, this is NORMAL. What's not normal are things that deviate from both of your values, which could be cheating, being interested and flirting with another person, or having an emotional affair which is what your DH could very well be having with this counselor as it's so one sided and it's implied she doesn't like you. Totally unprofessional.

Him thinking the counselor fancies him is opening up the way to disaster and it's and going completely off course.

Moosical i have expressed concerns to him that i feel shes been unprofessional and im worried about the dynamic but then he feels like i dont want him to have anyone to talk to even when he cant talk to me. The other day he said he was looking forward to his counselling session then was really moody and said hes angry with me that hes in a position where hes looking forward to counselling because he cant talk to his own wife.

I feel like we are stuck in some awful circle and i dont know how to make it stop.

I think counselling is making things worse and he might even have a bit of a crush on the person counselling him. After all it must be wonderful to sit there navel gazing with someone who vindicates every word that falls out of his mouth. You were in it TOGETHER, but he’s making it all about him. You’re defending him a lot and I think that’s because he’s done a massive number on you and really has you believing all his Poor me crap. I think he sounds like a whiny man child who didn’t step up and won’t know, preferring to wallow and whine about you not pandering to his every tantrum. He sounds petulant and childish.

My abusive exh became so much worse when he started counselling. He basically used it as further entitlement to treat me like shit.
OP your DH sounds like a complete arsehole.

he would find it hard if they took my side!
A decent counsellor would never do this.

Remember that his counsellor gets his side of the story... which I'm sure would come across different to yours.

We all have our own perspectives.
I don't thunk done of these posts are really helpful to you either. Bashing your husband isn't the answer.

And I can say that you shouldn't believe everything he tells you about the counsellor.... it's not uncommon for clients to hear what they want to hear. Or see what they want to see.

Her job is to build a relationship with with him...where he feels at ease to talk...he's mistaken this for her fancying him.

Bloody - maybe it's time to stop expressing concerns and put your foot down. Decide on a new counselor that will see you together and individually, you're then not taking anything away from him. You can say clearly it's not working with the current one as you still don't want to talk to me.

With his attitude, AGAIN he's not taking you into consideration! At all! I hope you can see this. If he won't change counselor, you need to ask him to leave.

Thankyou for your replies i do appreciate you taking your time to advise me. I dont have any friends IRL so nobody to talk to about this. I think sometimes i am very ready to take responsibility and blame for everything because for months i hurt him. I am so scared of being completely on my own and with two children this time. And i love him so much. Im scared that if i 'put my foot down' it will be over.

Or maybe if you stand up for yourself and stop being crushed by his manufactured guilt things might return to a more sensible balance?

I doubt it MrsGame it will definitely piss him off and i find it difficult to get my point across at the moment and end up giving in and accepting blame again. I dont know how long im meant to be in the dog house for. Sometimes it feels so unfair because i didnt become ill to spite him? As much as i understand it hurt him it wasnt much fun for me either. But hes so angry about it. Its like he feels its something i did to him.

Hmm, I’ve been here. Where we were gloriously happy and then suddenly we weren’t and it was all my fault . I thought it was. I thought I was a nag/worrier/always bringing him down. Feeling like that kept me in the relationship for about five years longer than I should have stayed.

Oh MsGame does it really sound similar to you? (Also sorry for calling your mrs not ms before lol!)

The more you post the more he sounds like an immature man child. I doubt very much that his counsellor doesn't like you, all she has to go on is the rather dark picture your partner has undoubtably painted of you. It sounds like he's in full victim mode and you are the convenient scapegoat because he hasn't the maturity or capacity to acknowledge, let alone take ownership of his own issues.

You can not move forward if he's stuck in blame mode and his comment that a marriage counsellor might take your side, says a lot about where he's at emotionally.

I would suggest you find your own counsellor because you will need support against the emotional abuse being levelled against you.

You can't fix this on your own, especially when he's sabotaging your efforts and is hell bent on punishing you. My suggestion is to take a step back and to stop accepting responsibility for his issues.