I dont know what to do and i just need some advice. I have name changed.
Been with DH 6 years, married for 2. We have one DC (mine from a previous relationship) and i am pregnant with our first child together.
I will try my best to keep this brief but sorry if i ramble, but i really really need some advice so please if you have the time do bear with me.
Until a few months ago our relationship was amazing. We have had our struggles like most people but our relationship was something i was really proud of. I love DH very very deeply, i still want him and i'm still excited to be with him.
A few months ago i was betrayed by someone i thought was a friend. It affected our living situation and there was some resentment towards me from DH as he felt i shouldnt have allowed her to be in a position to be able to betray me like she did. I didnt have any friends so probably latched on a bit to this woman and was more careless than i should have been. I was absolutely devastated and plagued by guilt and this kicked off me spiralling into deep depression.
Since then i have had so much going on like trying to rectify the living situation, arranging to move to a new area where i know nobody, actually moving etc that i put my low mood and high emotions down to the stress of whatever was going on at the time. I should have realised i was unwell but I just didnt. I have suffered from spells of serious depression and anxiety since my teenage years so I am usually better at spotting the signs. Since Ive been with DH i have had a couple of episodes of feeling low but not to this degree at all.
Over these months I was stressed, very very emotional and just not functioning very well. DH kept saying to me he felt like he was losing me and i wasnt supporting him at all and asking me when is he going to get me back. I didnt understand what he meant as i just didnt see that i wasnt coping so i would make promises i couldnt keep like telling him i am back and i can support him and end up letting him down.
Fast forward to now and i have realised that i was unwell and not coping. I havent been myself at all. Im now on anti depressants and its like a switch has been flicked i feel so much better. Im enjoying things again, i dont go to bed every night dreading waking up the next day, i look forward to things, im not crying about everything and getting hysterical. I feel positive that im able to be a better wife and mum.
The problem is, DH has now shut down. He says he isnt feeling anything and he doesnt trust me with his feelings because of what has happened. He feels i abandoned him and whenever we talk i feel so much resentment from him. He constantly makes digs. We spoke last night about how we move forward, he said he wants to move forward but every time i say anything to him like 'i will be there for you' he says 'but you said that last time'. It is obvious he is still very hurt and angry. He has said he doesnt know if he still loves me and he doesnt know if he knows who i am anymore. He says he doesnt feel loved or wanted but when i ask what im doing wrong or what im not doing he doesnt know. He admitted that it may be a knock on effect from what has already happened.
Our sex life hasnt completely disappeared but its not what it was. I am struggling to initiate things because i feel so much resentment from him and there have been times hes said he doesnt like me. Its hard for me to feel comfortable initiating sex with someone i feel doesnt like me. He says this is making him feel unwanted.
He has started having counselling. Hes hurt that he feels hes had to do that when its me he wishes he could talk to. His counsellor doesnt like me and has said she thinks im abusive.
How the fuck do i fix this? We are going to have a baby next year and this is breaking my heart. I love him so much but i just dont know what to do. He says he needs to see that i can move forward and that im better and then he will move forward with me. But its hard for me to show him i can support him when he wont open up to me.
I would be so grateful for some advice. I feel like im failing at life right now.