What is DH playing at?

[MrsStinkey]

So a bit of background here. Been with DH for almost 12 years, since we were teens. Married for 7 with two young Dd's. We've had our ups and downs but have a really good relationship on the whole.
I'm quite insecure about my looks and body. A struggle that has been with me since early teens and Ive been struggling since DD1 was born with the change in my body, seems to have gotten worse the past month or so. I look after myself, mainly eat well and exercise to try and be looking the best I can be.
DH has always said he thinks I'm gorgeous, can't believe he managed to get someone like me, work mates etc are always commenting how lucky he is. This isn't a stealth boast I promise just needs to be said for context.
DH knows how insecure I am with my looks and knows my struggles with my body especially how hard I've been finding it recently. However he's now taken to picking on things about me I've never even thought of in a kind of jokey manner but at the same time I feel it's not entirely a joke the way he goes on. The most recents were a couple of weeks ago when he continually commented on how I had a huge forehead, head spam, too much space there etc and then made fun of the shape of my head. It juts too far out at the back, I have a shelf there to keep stuff on etc. Last night he started commenting on the size of my ears. Apparently the holes in them are huge, like craters, could lose something in them etc. He could see he was hurting my feelings but continued to go on and on about it. I couldn't say much as both our daughters where there. I was very quiet for the rest of the night, just didn't know what to say.
I just don't know where it's came from or what to do. He's changed so much as a person this past few months just hardly ever has a nice thing to say to me, lots of petty arguments, picks holes in things I do. I just don't know what to do. I don't feel I can say anything to him either as it'll end up in a massive argument and he'll make me feel I've made a fuss over nothing. I know joking around is healthy and we have had an ongoing joke(absolutely years old from when we first met) about him having a big head. Not something that gets said a lot but it's commented on in jest now and then. If he'd ever hinted it hurt his feelings though it would never be said. Hes usually the first one to bring it up anyway. By surely this constant picking on me isn't right is it? Or am I being oversensitive?

Is he stressed at work? Or depressed? Could this be manifesting itself as criticising you?

However, I also thought 'affair' when reading your post. It doesn't have to be physical, but could be emotional. If he works shifts, goes to the gym, etc, he has plenty of opportunity. Plus he's always on his phone. Maybe borrow it to check what's on to tonight, someone's phone number, or because you're too lazy to,go and get yours from the kitchen... Whatever the excuse, as others have said, his reaction will,speak,volumes, plus you get the chance to snoop at his phone.

Hopefully it is all,innocent.good luck.

Could be an affair, desire for an affair or fancying other women, porn use, dissatisfaction with you/the relationship for reasons only known to him, working or socialising with sexist people and becoming sexist, being fed up and not enjoying work/parenthood/life and taking it out on you.

None of those reasons would excuse his behaviour.

Pull him up when he says it in front of your DDs. Aside from that, give as good as you get. & sorry, whenever I've heard of fault-finding with partner it means somebody else they're infatuated by, has turned their head. They're comparing you.

Never say someone "can't" have an affair. Oh yes, they can. There's always a way unless you're with them 24/7. & doesn't have to be physical it can be emotional too.

I'd say look at his phone but I doubt you'd get a look in, I bet it's glued to him. I know checking phone is frowned on here but fuck it, any possibility a man's laying with another woman then doing it with me, I'd want to know.

For now don't go into hurt/retreat mode. Tell him to stop it. Any time he tries, cut across him with "Stop", firmly. Don't get into an argument about it. Keep your eyes open. Whatever the reason for all this is, it'll reveal itself sooner or later

Ok this might be nonsense so feel free to ignore me but,
Do you think it could be he is feeling more insecure (getting older/balder/fatter/anything imaginary that he is fixating on) and sees you looking young/slim/mates saying your hot/etc etc and wants to take you down a peg or two?
Or wants to make you feel that he isn't 'punching above his weight' so much by picking out silly little flaws or even imaginary flaws that make him feel less inadequate by comparison?

It might not be he even means to deliberately do it but his confidence might be suffering for one reason or another and he is making you feel as shit as he does.

Obviously I might be talking shit. Also if that was what he was doing then that's not ok and really it would be LTB territory.

You know what...next time he does it get up and leave the room without saying anything.

Just keep walking away from him. If he follows you go to the bathroom. If he has half a brain he'll get the hint

Your DDs are learning it's okay to make fun of people...I'd point that out to him ...because doing that at school will get then into trouble. It's a form of bullying and it's not funny in the least.

"ups and downs" same I think as anyone that's been together the amount of time and from as young as we have. Just silly arguments about stuff, fall outs. No major things since DD1 was born as we grew up and pulled ourselves together. The only major thing and it is major is his parents went nc with us after DD1 was born. Mil caused a lot of problems between us so it made our relationship better really. He knows I'm here to listen as is my DM and DDad if he needs us plus my DSis and DBil. We're a pretty close family.
DDs are 6 and 2.
I am sad. Im sad that the one man i have always felt great around has now got me feeling like I do with everyone else. My insecurities are my problem but it's not nice for the one person you really trust to pick faults with you when you do it constantly yourself.
If he's trying to make me feel shit because he does that's not on either. That could be it though. He got into a rut of doing nothing and eating badly, that's not on me. I try my hardest to keep myself fit and healthy. He's changing that now as well though as he's got a gym membership he can use with his funny shifts and is making sure he uses it. Maybe once he gets into it properly it'll stop.
I have never once made negative comments about his appearance no matter if he's gained weight or whatever. I will tell him if he has a bogey hanging out his nose or similar though. I'd rather know that too if it was me!

I thought affair too but as you're adamant it's not, I would say, maybe things are just shifting a bit and he is not as happy in the marriage as you thought. Or when you have been together a long time you do irritate each other a bit. That's normal but nit-picking is not nice and does destroy your confidence. Tackle him head on and let him know it's hurtful.

If my shopping said anything like that to me I wouldn't stand for it. It's not on. But it's also not on for you to allow it in front of your kids. They may copy his behaviour towards you or they may grow up thinking it's acceptable for their husbands/partners to be horrible to them or for them to be horrible to others. That's not to pick on you - I don't mean that. But partners don't bully each other. Pull him up on it now before it gets worse.

Ah. I think if he has been eating badly etc then he is probably feeling jealous and taking it out on you. I would confront him. It is worth the argument!

I will speak to him about it definitely and will pull him up in it if he does it in front of the DDs again as well. It's funny as I would never usually be like this and would say something. I think I'm just so shocked when he was these things I don't know what to say!

Speak to him!

It might be a ham fisted attempt at reverse psychology, he knows you have insecurities but his supportive behaviour hasn't helped so he's trying to nudge you to stand up for yourself by being critical.

Or he could just have turned into a bit of a dick!

He's bringing his work based banter home...

Next time you have sex with your husband, just remark nonchalantly, ' I wish your dick was a little bigger so I could feel it ' !!!!!!

Should knock him back a bit.

@serialcheat

As someone else mentioned he maybe feeling insecure in himself and is taking it out on you. I hope he comes to his senses op

Maybe he’s noticed his hair is thinning or going grey, something of that nature and he is trying to make you feel bad about yourself because he is feeling that way about himself.

He thinks your gorgeous and he’s feeling insecure maybe.

Ask his what’s up.

So the gym membership is new?

He's projecting and deflecting from his erectile dysfunction and laying his ' shit ' on you.....

Throw it back, you sound a beautiful, sexy, lovely, smart woman....

The best thing about him, is YOU !!!!!

Tell him at least once a day, ' You knob, you are Goddamn lucky to have me '

How did your chat with him go? Tbh it sounds like he might be forming the beginning of an emotional connection with someone - gym, grumpy, in phone, nasty comments.

IME suddenly finding fault and no longer caring about hurting your feelings usually marks a change in allegiance. Maybe a new relationship or feeling a desire to check out of the present one.

Yes, a change of allegiance for sure. Doesn’t have to be an affair, nor even a crush or serious attraction to someone, but that would be the cliché and it’s definitely a strong possibility.

Could be he’s feeling frustrated or angry with himself and/or his life and taking it out on you.

Trying to ‘help’ you not to feel insecure by making fun of you? I don’t buy that. You can tell when someone is being cruel. Even if it’s dressed up as a joke.

Whatever the reason is, it’s uncalled for and unkind, and needs to be challenged every time.

Most importantly, if you’re properly daughters are present that is all the more reason to challenge him directly! You becoming upset but taking it and just putting up with it teaches them that in relationships this is what people do and you are supposed to just accept it. No, don’t stand for it.

And actually, I do think that if it continues you should start casuallly making comments or ‘jokes’ at his expense. If he can dish it out he certainly ought to take it too. Who the fuck does he think he is.

Hmmmm, random ‘properly’ in my first comment!

So he's suddenly changed and is knocking your confidence and self esteem.
That's a control thing and not nice and will turn abusive if you don't stop it.
And he's going to gym and looking after himself more!!!
Sorry, but I call OW!
Might not have cheated but he's having his head turned somewhere.
Ask to see his phone when you have your chat.
His response will be all you need to know!
If he lets you look, first look at battery in settings.
See which apps he spends most of his time on and then look at that app.
Could be whatsapp or messenger etc.....
I hope it's not that at all but too many signs now.