How do we help DM? Very worried

[NapoleonsNose]

To cut a very long story short, my DM (75) has a 30+ year history of mental illness. Over the last few months she’s been involved in an online ‘relationship’ with an American who is supposedly working in Africa for the UN.

This of course is all a load of rubbish. We’ve tried (DB and myself) to stop it by trying to talk sense into her but she’s having none of it. It transpires that she’s sent around £15k out to this person and is intending to send more. Her house is held in trust and the money cannot be accessed, but she’s now asking to release some capital for ‘home improvements’. DB and I will not allow this and she’s being very vitriolic, saying we don’t want her to be happy, we’re ruining her life blah, blah, blah.

We’ve already been to the police and because she’s well, there’s nothing they can do. Her dr has stopped her medication, and all this has got a lot worse since then. We are at our wits end and don’t know how to get help.

Can you find out how she is sending money? Financial institutions have a duty not to process transactions they know are fraudulent, so can you flag it with her bank/Western Union/however she is sending the money?

I would contact the consultant psychiatrist that oversees her care and reports your concerns. State specifically the ways in which her presentation and mental state have deteriorated since her medication was stopped. State that you are concerned she is being financially abused. Make sure you report that she has already given away £15k to a stranger she met online. Good luck.

We think, although cannot be certain, that she sent it via Western Union in the Post Office. I always thought they were untraceable though?

Why has the doctor stopped her medication? If reckless behaviour is getting worse can you not talk to them?

How long has this "relationship" been going on?

Does she have a mental health social worker? Can she get one?

If she is under the care of her GP then ring the surgery to report your concerns. It sounds as thiggg you are questioning her mental capacity to be making the decision to send the money. Make sure you report this. You could also raise this with adult social services, reporting it as a safeguarding concern.

GP is aware yeah?

She doesn’t have a consultant psychiatrist. Her GP has looked after her mental health since the last time she stopped taking her pills. This time the Dr stopped the medication as in his opinion she didn’t need them anymore. We’ve spoken to him so know this is true. Is there some kind of adult social care we can contact. I’m absolutely at my wits end and clueless. DB lives 200 miles away. She lives in the same town as me.

You could seek advice from adult social care. However, as her GP has stopped her medication it could be difficult to progress. Has the GP definitely stopped it or has she chosen to disengage? Adults with mental capacity can make unwise and infuriating decisions

We first became aware of the ‘relationship’ in late June. Told her in no uncertain terms that it was a scam and she said it was over, although I think that was just to get us off her back.

I’m so cross that she’s done this and can’t see sense. I’m also sad as that money was meant to be a little comfort buffet and now it’s fucking gone to fund child prostitution or drug trafficking.

I know this may not be adviseable but personallly I'd be finding out who the bastard is by telephone number/email address/whatever means and getting in touch to let them know that the police in the UK and their country were very much aware and that now is the time to disappear before the law catches up with them.

The law (the mental capacity act) protects a person's right to make 'unwise' decisions.

We’ve tried to find out more information but she won’t tell us anything. In June we tried to hack her computer but couldn’t get in. We found a photo and a name and tried to do a reverse image search but nothing came up.

Apparently he works for the UN, lives ‘somewhere in Africa’ and is in covert government missions. He gets paid $1m dollars a year in arrears. All utter bullshit, but she just won’t have it.

Yep. Agreed. Your mother sounds like she is being taken for a ride. The fact that she suffers with mental ill health May mean that her judgement is impaired. Report this to social services.

Does she understand the concept of Internet scamming, but think it doesn't apply in this case? Have you shown her some of the 'case histories' of people taken in by OLD scammers - can't link, but they're out there!

Yes walk we’ve tried that, but she’s in total denial. She told DB tonight that someone has opened a bank account for her in the US and that we were all going to have a fantastic Christmas because of it. DB tried to explain that it’s just not possible to do that - money laundering, identity etc, but she just cut him dead.

Update:

I called adult social care and reported my concerns, but they couldn’t give any practical help.

DB got in touch with DM’s GP who has submitted a request to the local mental health team. We’ve done the same but as yet no progress.

Overnight she’s sent a stream of texts to DB gushing about how ‘in love’ with this person she is, how he is kind, intellectual, honest, reliable and every other positive adjective you can think of. We need to butt out apparently and let her live her life. He shouted at her and got really cross and ended up slamming the phone down. She still wants £20k and intends to send money over to release the $2 million in a US bank account that is there for her.

I feel wrung out and have no idea where we go from here. Just hope the mental health team can do something.

Can you get the police to talk to her? She's clearly a victim of crime.

A lot of police services now have an officer specifically appointed to deal with adult safeguarding issues. You can go online for the area in which your mother lives and check. They often have a direct contact number. In the meantime it's about minimising the risk of 'harm', which in your mother's case is further funds being imparted. You mentioned her property is in trust. Presumably to yourself and DB? Simply do not take any action to release any funds. Keep stalling; it's in her best interests. The social services referral may take some time. In the meantime you cannot prevent her from having contact with this person/s. So perhaps continue contact with her as much as usual just to monitor.

I too would get the police to talk to her. Wish I had better advice. Heartbreaking.

How many post offices are near your mum?
If this was my office I would be refusing to send her Moneygrams as it probably is. Try soeaking to your local post office. They can refuse to send one but it might depend lb what they are like.
If there's a few near by then speak to them all.
Watch out cause some Tescos can send them now too.
But technically it would fall under SAR rules and they could refuse.

As her GP is aware, I would contact the NHS safeguarding doctor or nurse. If you let me know the postcode of her GP (PM if you want), I’ll see if I can dig it out for you.

Her GP doesn’t seem to understand the clinical risk he is taking here.

Thanks Queen I’ve sent you a PM.

I’m debating whether to let myself into her house and either disconnecting or removing the router. She’s not very tech savvy so wouldn’t immediately cotton on to the problem.

OP, just sent you a PM.

I wouldn’t disconnect the router (just yet!). See what the NHS safeguarding team say. Let us know how you get on and good luck, a really difficult situation.