My husband and I have been together for 22 years, married for 20. We have 4 children from 13-20, two are at university doing very well for themselves.
I'm not sure if I still love my husband. I certainly used to. I sometimes think about how I would feel if he were with someone else, and the over-riding emotion is sadness for what could have been. But the reality is that we are becoming increasingly distant, and I constantly have to fight the feelings of low self esteem and lack of confidence which he piles on me.
We've been trying really hard recently, sharing lifts to work and talking and laughing a lot more, but the veneer is very fragile - we've spent a lot of this evening arguing.
We have just moved house (renting) for the third time in 3 years, and I'm becoming more and more aware that each time we move, I'm trying somehow to please him, to make him happier and make my life a little easier. This house was (once again) his choice - it's a nice house, but it wouldn't have been my first choice as it is too far away from our children's school, and they can't spend time with friends. But I went along with it, as he was so adamant he loved it here.
He can be a charming man, but he is also incredibly childish and selfish (and I think becoming more so), and doesn't communicate very well. I think probably he's just inconsiderate and doesn't try. Every morning I make us a cup of tea each and butter 4 slices of toast for us. Yesterday he was down before me, and two of the slices of toast - mine - were cold and unbuttered. It's a small thing, but it's selfish and inconsiderate. I commented on it, and he told me that I'm pathetic. I actually just felt a bit sad.
For 22 years I have asked him to have the courtesy to let me know if he is going out, so that I at least know whether he is in the house or not, but he still goes out without telling me.
He expects the children to wait on him and obey his orders immediately like little soldiers, but when my 13 year old daughter asked him to pass her a spoon from the cutlery drawer which he was standing by the other day, he refused and told her to get it herself - and that is not an isolated incident.
I'm trying to make sure the children learn courtesy and consideration to others, and I've always brought them up to be co-operative and help each other out - but it's a bit of a one-sided battle.
I think what I'm saying is that our values don't match.
He does not like people (he has very few friends) and does not enjoy socialising - but I do. I used to make the effort to invite friends round and have parties, but I no longer bother - it's not worth it.
He also makes my life fairly miserable if I spend time out when he's at home, or meet my friends. He tells me I'm welcome to go and won't actually stop me, but he is so moody and unpleasant when I get home, it's not worth it.
The last time we met with some of my best old, long-standing friends from university, about 6 months ago, it ended with my husband taking exception to a point of view of my friend's husband during a perfectly normal discussion, and pushing him off a chair and slamming his head against the wall. This was in front of my friend's 6 year old son. I'm obviously not in a hurry to invite friends round again - though I would love to.
I'm not a stupid person - I have degrees in English and Law, and work in a fairly senior communications job. But he constantly brings me down, tells me I'm useless and stupid and that he can't trust me even to contact the letting agents to get something fixed 'in case I cock it up'. I feel that I'm constantly fighting not just my own issues and normal worries, but also the feeling of being useless and stupid. I do get confused, because he tells me it's all in my head, and when he gets angry with me (which is frequent) I constantly question what I could and should have said or done differently.
I am not particularly afraid that he would be violent, but he does have a rather scary aggressive streak, which comes out as shouting, slamming doors and emotional punishment. Alcohol is definitely a catalyst, and I have asked him to drink less (as have the children). However I did come home one day to my then 11year old son dragging me from the car saying dad was going to hit my then 16 year old daughter. He was standing over her holding both of her wrists in one hand when I ran in, and she was crying uncontrollably, but he didn't actually hit her. I threw him out at the time, but let him come back. Maybe I was wrong to have him back then.
I used to be a natural organiser, the mum who takes on the role of chair in the local NCT, and runs the toddler group. I managed my son's sports team, organising matches up and down the country, and I absolutely loved it and made friends everywhere we went. But we gave up as he said he hated the other parents, and he tells me I'm bossy and a control freak and that I have OCD, so I have consciously tried to reduce my tendency to organise.
If I'm honest with myself, I feel crushed. I have trouble making decisions as I am constantly second-guessing what he would want me to do, in case I get it wrong. I don't really know who I am any more. I feel that I no longer have my own identity - if I do stand up for myself, he tells me I am disrespecting him and gives me the silent treatment for hours or days.
When I tell him how I feel, he says 'so it's my fault again, I knew it'. And I end up apologising, and feeling guilty for being so unfair. Except that I don't think I am being unfair - I'm perfectly willing to take half the blame, but after all I'm only reacting to his behaviour, and I'm pretty certain it's 6 of one and half a dozen of the other.
But he's not all bad, he can be very funny and very good company, and has in the past been very supportive - I think probably I bring out the worst in him. I constantly ask myself, is that my fault, or just a symptom of us no longer being right together?
My children support me in leaving - they are old enough to see the problems.
I have a full time job, but we live literally hand to mouth. I have less than £50 to my name in my bank right now, and all my pay goes almost instantly on bills.
I did have independent savings, left to me when my mum died a few years ago, and I planned to buy a small house in my own name and rent it out as a separate income for us both to live on, but he was so angry when I mentioned that, that I never mentioned it again, and instead I paid the rent and bills from my inheritance and gradually it was squandered. I have to take the blame for not standing up for my rights there, and for going for the 'easy life' option, but there it is - it's gone and I have nothing of any worth.
I think that enough is enough, that it's time I recognise that I'm not perfect but I'm also not stupid or useless and that I don't deserve to be put down constantly, that I still have a life ahead of me, that my younger children and I will be ok on our own and that we can re-claim our social lives and happiness - and that he also isn't a bad person, but we just aren't making each other happy.
But of course I'm worried - am I doing the right thing, should I keep trying, will I be ok on my own - is he right and am I actually useless like he tells me I am?
I have a job. I have friends who are a bit exasperated with me for moaning but doing nothing about it, but I know they love me and I know they will support me.
I don't have family - my parents are both dead, and I have not spoken to my sister for nearly a year (as my husband does not like her - mmm, bit of a pattern going on here) - but I have been secretly emailing her now and then, and I think she would support me if she could.
I have two beloved and very sensible children who are doing their best at university and need my support.
And two younger children with their own needs.
In an ideal world, I would move out tomorrow into a privately rented house close to my children's school, where they can see their friends when they want, and I may still have some friends from the old sociable days if I work very hard to rebuild a network - and after all I'm quite good at that as it is my profession. I would move to a very small house (as it's a nice area but unfortunately a bit pricy), and I may well end up sleeping on the sofa, but I can live with that. I would try to get some housing benefit (but my earnings might put me just over the threshold). I would definitely sort out single person council tax. I would find out if I'm eligible for any other benefits.
I would change job to somewhere closer to home, so I can support my children more (at the moment it's a 50 minute motorway commute morning and night). I would keep communications very much open with my husband, and encourage the children to spend equal time with him. And when they are with him, I would start running again (I used to run 10k races, but gave up as it meant too much time out training and not cooking), and study for the postgrad degree I've been meaning to do for years, and apologise to my friends and hope they will still let me tag along.
I think I know what is the right thing to do, and putting some of it in writing makes it so obvious, but yes, I'm afraid.
Thanks for reading, I would appreciate advice, support and positive suggestions