Can't face separating H because of daughter

[Snowflake18]

Hi
Is there anyone who might be able to help me get my head around this.
My H has been repeated unfaithful. I just don't think I can face giving him another chance. I do love him but I don't think I can trust him anymore. I think we need to get divorced. But I can't bear for the damage it will do to my daughter who is 3.
At the moment we are playful and trying to keep things as normal as possible for her, tho people always say kids pick up on things so I have no idea what she thinks really. She's a very shy and sensitive little girl and only really comes alive and feels safe with my H and I. It will devastate her and she's at just a vulnerable age. The thought of her asking for Daddy and crying for him repeatedly breaks my heart. I know she won't transition well and feel it would set her back even more.
I equally know that I have a right to a life but I feel I might forever feel guilt at disrupting her at such a delicate age. I know it's not me really and it's my H who has done this but that won't make me feel any better or make any difference for the outcome for her.
Has anyone been through this? Would anyone recommend leaving it until school age when she is less reliant on us and has more of a social/friendship group? I feel lost.

If moms happy then everyone is happy.

It's that's simple

You will do more damage staying than leaving

You need to think more about the impact NOT leaving will have on her life. Believe me, that is way worse than you leaving while she's still so little.
YOUR life of being cheated on and disrespected will be her 'normal'. She will learn what a relationship is from yours. And she WILL know as she gets older. She'll know that her father cheats and her mother puts up with it.

Sorry you're going through this OP. Honestly, though, I suspect that you've posted this here because deep down you want people to legitimise you wanting to leave. Lets face it, this is MN, nobody here is every going to say "think of your daughter and stay!"

I would say take the advice you've been given here and run with it as far and as fast as you can. Your daughter will be fine and you will be far happier. Hundreds of women here have been through the same thing and those that waited a little longer before they finally cracked would likely say "I wish I had left sooner".

I was four, my sister 8 and my oldest sister 14 when my parents separated. I have no memory of them being together, my eight-year-old sister was quite affected and my 14-year-old sister was very seriously affected.

If he is a good father, he will still be there and she will still see a lot of him. You might even be able to work out an amiable relationship with him for co-parenting, when his love life is not your problem.

My DC were 6 and 4 when we broke up and the younger one doesn't remember us together. They have had some issues to deal with as they became teenagers shifting between houses but overall I think they are better off than living with a broken relationship and a lying cheating, absent man who didn't really want to be married (despite begging to stay when found out).

It's much better, in my view, when they are young than when they are teens and my two coped very well. They are lovely young people. They also deserve a happy mummy and I can't really imagine how you are planning to stay in the relationship for another 15 years of your life. I'd be worried you will die a little more inside every day and end up bitter and broken, I've had so many more adventures on my own and lots of amazing times. Right now I'm on my own and would prefer to have a lovely man by my side if I could - but I'm gladden I'm not sharing my life with a shit one!

@SpareASquare is bang on.

I grew up with my dad periodically walking out for the ow, then coming back when the latest ow realised he was a bag of shit. My mum ALWAYS took him back, "for your sakes" 😒

I now realise that monogamy really isn't natural but it really does make me look cynically at any one who claims they have always been monogamous and think "sure you are, uh huh."

Just to add, of course she didn't take him back for the sake of my and my sibling, she took him back because she didn't want the hard work of having to get a job and be a single parent.

Friends split many years ago in similar circumstances to you. They were unhappy for years and their child was shy and timid.
A while after they split the child came out of their self and seemed more confident. My friend put it down to her being less down and in a happier place. She too put on a brave face but believes it wasn’t enough.
Your D will be fine because she will see you are fine

The next time he cheats, and there will be a next time, he could fall for the next one and leave you for her anyway and then would be leaving at a far more crucial point in her development.

Put simply, Leave FOR her, don’t stay FOR her,

My mum and Dad breaking up wasn’t too bad- I was 4.
My mum and stepdad breaking up I was 12 and devastated.
The younger the better imo. She’ll still see him surely?

I wonder if she's picking up on the situation already. You deserve to be happy and your daughter to have a happy mother. You're not breaking up the family, your husband has already done this by his actions.

Who your DD is now won’t be who she will always be. Life will throw curve balls at you and her and the skill won’t be avoiding them, it will be how you handle them.

Every time he craps all over your marriage he isn’t thinking of his daughter and the next time he won’t be thinking of her, he might leave anyway. Staying to protect your DD is no guarantee that she won’t be affected because you can not predict where his dick will take him next or what toll his behaviour will have on your MH.

Do it now while she’s still young and your self worth is relatively intact.

A happy mum = a happy baby. You deserve happiness too! Staying in an unhappy marriage will damage you and your little girl. Good luck.

The earlier you separate from your husband the less problem it will cause your daughter. I don't think you can use the word damage. Divorce doesn't cause damage to children. They might be sad or unaccepting for a while but it will not do any damage. Millions of children in the world grow up without fathers and they are fine.

Thank you all for your responses. For those of you who've separated with a similar age child, would you mind letting me know what has worked in terms of how many nights to stay in each house etc?
My Mum knows my situation and she knows our daughter well and she really worried for how she would cope too. My Mum keeps asking if I'm sure there's no hope which makes me in part hurts as she must realise how hurt I am but also makes me believe my instinct is right in that my daughter would really struggle and might go even further in on herself

Your mum is from another era and although she is perhaps well meaning, it isn’t helpful at all, perhaps you could show her this thread so she gets reassurance too?

I know. She doesn't mean any harm by what she's saying, she's just concerned. Her and my Dad have been together forever so I think it's what she's always known.

When we split our son was 5 and at Primary School. Ex continued to stay in the marital home in the short term, and I was able to find somewhere to stay only a 10 minute walk away.

We shared parenting, so son spent 4 nights with me, and 3 with his dad. That was the theory. In practice he did end up spending a bit more time with me as his father had a social life! Over time we came to an arrangement which suited us. On changeover days, one of us would drop DS off at school, and the other would pick him up afterwards.

For the first few years, I would arrange family days out every so often, which were good fun, but when I asked my ex to arrange this he didn't so these stopped.

We still go to parents' nights and other school events together, as our son's parents.

I was 3 when my parents split up. I don't remember it at all. I don't think people remember much before the age of about 5. If you separate now, your daughter will not remember the separation when she is older, or be able to remember the time when you all lived together. Much better in my opinion to do it now. If you let things drag on and then separate when she is 5, or 8, or 11, it will affect her MUCH more badly.

I would tell your mum to stop bringing it up. My mum was the same. Tell her he's a cheat and ask her if she really thinks you're not worth more than having him treat you this way? Tell her not to ask again as it makes you think she thinks his behaviour is acceptable.

My mum always had a soft spot for my Ex and seemed willing to forgive him anything. I don't know about their marriage but I have suspicions that my dad put my mum through several of his 'close relationships with female friends'.

SpareASquare Sun 19-Nov-17 04:29:19 point is very valid

You need to think more about the impact NOT leaving will have on her life. Believe me, that is way worse than you leaving while she's still so little.

YOUR life of being cheated on and disrespected will be her 'normal'. She will learn what a relationship is from yours. And she WILL know as she gets older. She'll know that her father cheats and her mother puts up with it.

I think it's important to be a good role model for your child. Sometimes that means dealing with unpleasant situations rather that ignoring them.

XH left when DCs were 5mos and 3. It was very tough on me but I think it was ok for them. The 3 yo missed her dad and took a few months to get that he wasn't coming home every night. Youngest has no recollection of her dad living with us. They were absolutely fine and had a lovely childhood.

Friends who separated when DCs were older had it much tougher. In fact, observing from afar, I think the kids who were teenage when parents separate have it tougher than any other ages.

There's no "good age" imo but if it's inevitable as it seems to be in OP's case, then makes sense to make the break now.

I think the younger the child is, the less it affects them in the long term.

Each time you forgive is a green light for him to do it again and any respect he had for you reduces every time.

That's not what you want your DD to see as she's growing up.

Shared care was a nightmare. He initially insisted on 50/50 which didn't work at all. He couldn't fit it in with working. He would be tired and unable to parent properly. He hadn't really involved himself in the less exciting aspects of childcare when we were together.

I think one of his reasons for getting back together was so he could see his daughter more with me back to looking after them both at home. He didn't want me. I didn't really trust him with her on his own.

He had help from his family and for a while it worked for them but my daughter was missing me and wanted to be with me or his parents. A lot of the arguments were him complaining his parents were seeing her too much and then he wanted me to only see her as much as he was seeing her so it was fair..... and his parents seeing her the most!

I had to put him straight on that. I started working better with the Ex In-laws and now he has her most weekends and they help with after-school collections. His social life very much takes priority these days and now he only has her if he's not busy/tired.

He's got a lot better at looking after her. He's good for only a day or two as he struggles to manage for too long and starts snapping at her so she gets upset and wants to come home.

I knew someone who’s parents stayed together ‘for her’. She knew as soon as she left home they would split. It’s an enormous burden to place on a child and it’s unfair.

You deserve to be happy too, it’s not just about your DD. She’s young enough and children adapt.

My parents stayed together until I left home. My father came to terms with the way his life turned out and was happy to give up anything and everything so that he could be there for me. Today he is a happy man. My mother on the other hand was miserable throughout the marriage and even more unhappy once it ended. She was constantly thinking about what could have been if she hadn't married my father, hadn't had me, had done this differently and done that differently. I hated her and repeatedly asked my father to leave her but it was financially difficult and I think that a part of him hoped that she would change. I think that these are what you make of them. If you want to put your child first that o suggest that you let her lead. If she's unhappy she will tell you.