what happens whenever I tell DH how 'I feel'

[tigertrap]

I have learned the importance of using 'I feel' statements when trying to explain when I'm upset/disappointed/annoyed etc. This seems to work every time, as by using this phrase, it's quite factual as we feel how we feel, however it never works with DH who will argue with my feelings until he's blue in the face.
Today, I tried explaining to him that I'm feeling quite lonely in my pregnancy and feel the need for more of his time and affection. His response was that I'm "deluded" and he fired off a few practical things he's done for me this week. I tried explaining that this is how I'm feeling and tried outlining a few things that I would like to do more of to feel less alone, but as he often does, he argued with me and basically made out I'm wrong to feel how I'm feeling.
Where do we go from there?! Completely stuck at how to get him to accept my feelings as they are and quite fed up of having to feel worse for feeling how I'm feeling!

Has he always been like this? How long have you been together?

I would say that he's always struggled to accept things that aren't factual to him, but the arguing with and completely dismissing my feelings has started within the last year or so. We have been together around 7 years.

What is you feel you need in terms of time and affection? It makes a difference to my answer although it sounds like she’s being insensitive

I say this to my partner as well, but all it does is aggravate him and he says the same as your dh. I hope you don’t mind me following your thread.

Rephrase? 'The fact is, I feel like this and, to address this issue, I need you to do that'.

'I am lonely and unhappy. What you can do to change this is x.'

Or, 'for this relationship to work, I need you to do x / to be able to rely upon you to do y'.

Stop asking him to respect your feelings. Start telling him that they are facts. He deals with those facts appropriately or there are consequences - which may be a loss of respect, affection for or closeness to him. It may be a reduced chance of the relationship surviving.

I think it's a really rubbish trait, not believing things that he doesn't understand but it's quite common. You could point out this is what it is - failure to understand. He's not being clever and right, he's demonstrating ignorance, narrowness of perspective, rigidity, inability to learn. Being a bit thick.

Believing what someone says without needing to understand it, is a sign of love and respect IMO. Unwillingness to do this portrays a belief that the other person is only an accessory to oneself. A sub-set of ones own knowledge about the world, filed under 'helpmeet' not 'fascinating person'.

That is specifically (obvious from the context but, just in case), 'not believing things about you, that you tell him, that he doesn't understand'.

I've seen this so many times. 'I don't experience it that way, so it cannot be true. You have to convince me that I would feel as you do, experience what you do, for your feelings to be valid'. Um, no. You have to recognise me as an autonomous human being. If you can't do that, you're an extremely limited person, who struggles with the basics of theory of mind.

Very pertinent to the #metoo realm of experiences too of course.

Have you thought about counselling?
There is a break down in your communication - he gets defensive and you don't feel heard or understood. It could really help to get the lines of communication open, and actually hear each other if you went for some couples counselling.
How pregnant are you? Is it your first? Would be good to get this sorted out before baby comes as that adds pressure to all relationships.
If counselling is not right for the both at the moment, you could still try to lead by example - ask about and really listen to how he is feeling, and talk about the importance of this being a two way Street.
Of course he should be listening to your concerns and not dismissing your feelings, but you can only change the way you behave and what you say; not what he says and does... Although it seems unfair it may be that you have to be the adult and guide you both through this time.
Pregnancy is scary for men too.
I am not excusing his behaviour, and it is terrible for you that you feel lonely and unlistened to, but if the conversation always goes the same way then try to find another way to have it.
You have been together a long time, and you mention it is recently that he had started being like this - what has changed?

Counseling, and if that doesn’t work, divorce.

My dh is required to care how I feel, and knows that I will not stay with him otherwise. Why would anyone stay married to someone who really doesn’t how they feel? It’s very basic.

Thinking about it, we have had problems with this previously. We have already tried counselling this year, which did not work out well based on the counsellor giving her opinion too much, which at times left us both feeling very inferior. DH responded well to the counselling overall, but soon 'forgot' to keep the lines of communication open between us which was the main issue that came up in the sessions. DH has the tendency to ignore things and hope they will sort themselves out.
Sometimes I will tell him how I feel and he will just blurt out "I disagree." Tried explaining to him time and time again that you can't disagree with a person's feelings. He says I read into things too much and I'm too sensitive, which in his mind then gives him permission to "disagree." Whilst I'm feeling pretty wretched just for being myself.

Feeling pretty wretched isn’t good at any time, especially when you are pg. Do you have friends and family support ? Do you want to stay with him ?

It doesn’t sound like he’s willingly to change , if he ‘ forgets ‘ to be kind and loving to his wife. No one “ forgets “ such a thing, he just doesn’t want to do it.

Disagreeing and reminding you nice things he has done for you might be his way of trying you to see things in a more positive light. To try and make you feel better.

He cannot be held entirely responsible for your feelings since feelings can easily be independent from your actual circumstances. Have you tried simply just asking for the things you want or initiating displays of affection yourself? Without hinting you are putting the responsibility of your feelings into him?

No family support, but I do have some friends. Unfortunately, I haven't seen friends for a while as I've needed bedrest during the pregnancy, which has no doubt added to the loneliness of it all.
I think I am very sensitive, but not sure this gives him the right to throw out my feelings as nonsense.
Why have I felt lonely in the relationship?
DH busy at work and has had a lot of work related issues on his mind, going to bed at different times (I can't stay awake after 9pm), not much talk of baby- no discussions about names etc, DH doesn't touch or stroke my bump, because I've been on bedrest, DH has had to do more domestic stuff and I'm really sensing his resentment and irritation, he says he's not resentful, not much intimacy for obvious reasons.
Am I being over-sensitive?
He says we talk about baby more than I realise... then I question if I'm right to be feeling the way I'm feeling. Hormones obviously all over the place, but unless it's factual in DHs mind, then it's just utter nonsense to him.

I'm surprised he hasn't learnt the dismissive phrase 'I'm sorry you feel that way but...'

It's a good point though that feelings and circumstances can be very different. Can you make that point to him, then explain that sometimes you'd like to talk openly about your feelings, without focusing on consequences? Then maybe give him a chance to respond independently, before having a separate 'what's happening and what are we going to change' conversation. Which can be more practical.

Would it help for your friends to come round and visits you at home ? What about your work - are you on sick leave ? Have your colleagues been to see you ?

How much maternity leave are you planning to take ? You may not enjoy being at home with the baby so you might want to plan to return at 6 months or earlier .

Is your husband planning to go Part time once you go back to work ? If not, how is he planning to care for his child and do his share of the household tasks ?

I think it’s a bit worrying that he can’t even look aftre the house without being resentful when it’s just two adults and no tiny baby to care for.

I’d be less worried about stroking bumps and choosing names and more worried about these big issues.

Read John gray, men are from mars.....
Dreadful sexist rubbish but so true, and some tips to handle your man

I think is attitude is quite worrying tbh. It's bordering on gaslighting.

I might be barking up the wrong tree (and I hope I am) but just in case, does he do anything on this list?

Either way he sounds like a terrible partner

I have that book sitting on my bookshelf Missing! 😂
We also have a toddler, so second child on the way.

Does he not experience emotion? Ever? Can he really not identify with the idea of feeling happy or sad or lonely?

Does he want his child to grow up in a family that is concerned only about practical provision, 'you get three meals a day, what do you have to complain about?' Rather than with lovely experiences, feeling close, warm, happy?

What's interesting is that your feelings have a very obvious basis in your circumstances. They're not an unexplained melancholy that's just come over you.

Does he dismiss depression and other mental illness as irrational responses therefore not to be taken seriously?

Is his lack of empathy unusual, in general? Noticeably so to others? Or is he just not interested in making you happy?

I don't think he's abusive Another Emma, just a bit clueless and narrow minded.

Lottie: he has massive lack of empathy in general I think. Tells me he rarely experiences emotions himself, I would argue differently but this is what he says. He does dismiss depression and other MH disorders as nonsense.

Why would you make a family with someone who doesn't experience or understand emotions

Kind of a bit late for hindsight, Emma

Tiger,

Not sure about this idea that ‘feelings’ trump objective reality.

If you are feeling lonely because your husband is being in some way neglectful or unsupportive, fair enough. If he is trying his hardest to be useful and supporting and you are dismissing his objective reality (and ultimately his feelings too) and demanding that he accept the way you feel, then that is going to be hard/unfair on him.

You both have your feelings and there is an objective reality around which your feelings are framed. You need to be both be able to communicate and listen to one another. He needs to listen to how you feel but you should not be dismissive about how he feels either, even if he has framed it in more concrete terms (what he has done for you).

It’s ok, OP, Emma likes to make sanctimonious statements and then do face. Clearly she’s perfect.

So maybe he doesn't have language to describe emotions well. He lacks the relevant education.

I do think it's worth pointing out to him that his ignorance is just that. Even if he isn't concerned about his own feelings, he is too ill-educated to understand how other people operate - how politics works for example.

Politics is not about facts, it's about building alliances, making things appear possible that hadn't been, telling stories. It relies upon considerable insight into behaviour and ability to inspire (and manipulate) emotion.

For example, when Professor Nut said that illegal drugs are less hazardous than horse riding, he was factually right. That doesn't mean the law changed, because politics is not driven by facts but by what is politically palatable, so possible, and strong emotion about drugs (as well as other considerations) are embedded in policy, in law. Thus, law is not rational.

I use the example of politics because it is seen by many men as a 'suitably manly subject'.