what happens whenever I tell DH how 'I feel'

[tigertrap]

I have learned the importance of using 'I feel' statements when trying to explain when I'm upset/disappointed/annoyed etc. This seems to work every time, as by using this phrase, it's quite factual as we feel how we feel, however it never works with DH who will argue with my feelings until he's blue in the face.
Today, I tried explaining to him that I'm feeling quite lonely in my pregnancy and feel the need for more of his time and affection. His response was that I'm "deluded" and he fired off a few practical things he's done for me this week. I tried explaining that this is how I'm feeling and tried outlining a few things that I would like to do more of to feel less alone, but as he often does, he argued with me and basically made out I'm wrong to feel how I'm feeling.
Where do we go from there?! Completely stuck at how to get him to accept my feelings as they are and quite fed up of having to feel worse for feeling how I'm feeling!

Hi Tigertrap. Sorry to hear about your situation. It really resonates - my DH is the same, so much that I've questioned my reactions too. Like you I've thought 'am I over-reacting?' 'Did that really happen?'

After over a decade and 2 DCs I would say PLEASE TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS!!!

It doesn't change on its own. From my experience I reckon it's that they bury their own feelings, and maybe were never taught how to consider others.

If your partner is similar to mine he is always defensive, never says sorry, never even says 'I didn't mean x that way, but I'm sorry you feel like that'.

My DH is currently avoiding the rest of us after we argued last night and he stomped off to bed. I'd made the basic error of questioning if something he was planning was the right way of dealing with an issue. I'd forgotten discussion = suggesting he isn't right and so NOT ALLOWED.

OP you are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. It may be that becoming a father is scary, but he isn't emotionally mature enough to recognise and deal with it.

Does talking to him WITHOUT mentioning feelings help? Does it work to give him tasks?

Sorry not to have more practical advice (I'll be watching out for what others say!!) but please do trust yourself.

Good luck

Oh Larry this is not about playing top trumps with your partner over who feels most hard done by and whose fault it is.
She’s pregnant and feeling shit.
She’s not having a go at him, she’s not dismissing his feelings.
What she wants is for her man to tell her he loves her, that it will be all worth it in the end, buy her some chocolate and/or give her a hug.
Job done. Happy lady.
Gosh I wish my partner got this. Tiger you are not alone with communication problems and wading through advice in Men are from Mars etc is the last thing you want to do when tired and sick anyway (and with another one to look after)
Good luck. I think some men aren’t very good with partners feeling ill/low which can happen for many months in pregnancy. If your relationship is otherwise good then once the pregnancy’s over things may get better?
Hug from me anyway. Pregnancy is lonely and shit

"It’s ok, OP, Emma likes to make sanctimonious statements and then do confused face. Clearly she’s perfect."

That's bollocks and completely unnecessary.

OP, I didn't express it very well but there are some more useful points to make, which is that a. there must have been reasons you started a family with him - hopefully he has other qualities! - and b. in terms of managing expectations it is unrealistic to expect someone who has always been emotionally illiterate to become empathetic and supportive, at least not without a LOT of willing and work on their part. I'm not having a go, just saying that you might feel less frustrated if you accept how he is as a starting point. Then it's up to you to decide whether the emotional side is a deal breaker (it would be for me).

It also occurred to me that the "Love Languages" concept might be helpful? It sounds like he sees "acts of service" as love/support whereas you want/need quality time and maybe loving words and conversation? Even if he has trouble getting his head around the emotions, maybe he could get on board with the concept of love languages??

My exH used fi do this, dismiss my feelings. Tell me I was silly to feel whatever I was feeling.

When I got together with my DP after I left exH he would listen to how I felt, try and understand, sympathise, allow me my own feelings. It was a revelation.

To be fair, he is probably feeling ‘shit’ too.

He has had extra pressure from work and has been having to get home and do more than is used to at home. A bit of drudgery going on there. He is probably feeling sorry from himself. Hopefully he’ll get used to the household tasks, at the least, and become more streamlined, proficient and start to own this role a bit more.

Then you complain he is not attentive enough to your feelings. Not that your feelings are not valid or that you shouldn’t be able to express them but I could see how the timing could be a source of conflict. Things are more stressful for him too. You need to give each other a break. And try to be nicer to each other. If you express more affection he might be more encouraged to reciprocate.

Regarding grumpiness, I think there is a line which can be crossed. That is when it prevents people from functioning adequately. That is when you really do need a word. Regarding communication, you need to be able to communicate regarding functional stuff. However if you moan a lot your husband might be inclined to filter you out, especially if he is trying to focus on carrying out the practical stuff properly. That is when things could escalate making you both suffer.

How often do you do it? If it is now and again then fair enough but if you are throwing the "I feel" every other day then it's probably becoming tiresome.

Men are pretty poor at this sort of thing and will often see it as an attack.

Only giving my experience, so if it doesn't help you, just ignore it!

My DH is intensely practical whereas I am far more emotional.

One thing which was hard for him was me saying "I feel x so you need to do y" especially if y was a bit vague and intangible. Obviously it is important for him to support you but it is hard feeling that you are responsible for someone else's emotions. It can also be hard to feel you have to respond and behave to accommodate emotions which you can't really identify with when you navigate the work with a problem solving, logical approach.

I have learned to firstly look at what I could do for myself. I appreciate at the moment it is tough to get out but can you reach out to friends to come and visit you? If you are stuck at home and he is your only solution to feeling lonely, I can see that might be overwhelming for him.

I have also learned to make specific requests of him; i want us to go out on Friday instead of I want us to spend more time together.

If I need him to do something I could just ask without making reference to my feelings. I also share my emotional needs with a couple of close friends and family members which helps me often get things in perspective before I come to him.

We are all different and if you want to make it work with him, you need to find ways of accommodating your different personalities in a way which enables you both to get what you need.

Good luck
Xx

We have already tried counselling this year, which did not work out well based on the counsellor giving her opinion too much, which at times left us both feeling very inferior.

I can never say enough that many counsellors are amateurs. They are also learning the stuff and often know less about life that their clients.